Oh Christmas Tree!

Thank you everyone, for all of your support. *GIANT hugs* You are so wonderful to me. I am so lucky to have you all in my life. Thank you!

Today was a good day. It feels like I haven't written in forever but I just wrote yesterday. Strange. Anyway, the new job routines and schedules at work took off without too much trouble yesterday, which was nice. I was expecting a mess. Last night, my best friend from middle school called me and we chatted for a LONG time. I miss him. I'm hoping that my words helped him out somehow. It felt really good talking to him. We need to do that more often.

Today was my day off. I still had to go into work for a 3 hour leadership class though. It wasn't bad but we were given "homework" to do before the next class. We're supposed to create an action plan to improve something in our department. The tough part is that we actually have to try and make it happen. Change is not easy, especially when YOU don't make the decisions. I basically have to prove to my boss that these changes are worth making. I can only do my best.

After class, my sister and I met up to buy our Christmas tree. We had plans to get it at a boy scout stand but ended up stopping at Lowes instead. It was a lot cheaper than we were expecting. We stuffed it into my car (in the pouring rain) and headed home after scouring the store for garland without any luck. My sis cooked some yummy pasta while I set up the tree and strung it with lights. We listened to Christmas music and drank hot chocolate while decorating. It was wonderful. Our apartment looks amazing now. It's so warm and inviting. I love it! I can't wait for everyone to see it.

After decorating, we both collapsed on the couch for "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and some milk and cookies. We both ended up falling asleep but managed to stay awake for most of the movie. Just before heading to bed, we discussed our past and talked about plans for the future. We both made a pact to do something before the end of December that we've been putting off for far too long now. I have some good goals in mind for the next couple of months. I feel good today. 

The Wall

I was feeling lonely this past weekend. John was with Allison and Tom was busy at his place. Nobody was returning my messages. What made things worse was knowing that the "new relationship energy" that Tom and I once shared is gone and John and I had just finished sharing memories past while separating Christmas decorations which was also kind of sad. This all got me thinking about past relationships.

I have, unfortunately, been hurt by quite a few people in my life. These people were friends, family, parents, and significant others. They were people who I was supposed to trust, people who supposedly loved and cared for me. Each one of these people had a hand in building the wall that I now have around my heart. This is starting to sound very dramatic but it's true. If you only knew the stories. Having grass put down my pants by friends in elementary school, being made fun of by my stepfather and teachers in middle school, being lied to and cheated on by boyfriends, being led to believe that my life meant nothing to my parents, and much much more.

I can't believe I'm admitting this to everyone. I'm supposed to be the strong one who has it all together, who is good and kind and loving, who isn't afraid of anything....but I AM afraid and I have a past. I have learned a lot and come a long way from who I was just a few years ago but I still have a lot of work to do. I've come to realize that speaking about these things brings people together because others have had similar experiences and may feel like they're the only ones. Talking about it helps.

I'm afraid of being alone. I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to have close relationships with my friends. I want to share love. But all of these things require trust. Somehow, after all the hurt, I still love people....but I don't trust them....so I can't get close to them. I have let a few people get close to me but then I push them away as soon as I feel the slightest discomfort. I hold them at arms length because I don't want to get hurt again. It's hard to believe that their love is genuine. I tend to believe that they must want something from me or that they're lying to me or that they'll hurt me once I let my guard down. As soon as they get what they want, they'll just throw me away because I'll be all used up to them.

I think the only person who I've ever felt truly connected to on a deep level at one point was John...but then he broke my trust in a HUGE way. I gave him another chance....and he broke my trust AGAIN. Still, I'm here. Third time's a charm, right? But I start to feel myself pull away every now and then. I get angry about what he did and I worry that it will happen again. I felt myself pull away from Tom too. I think it's because I'm afraid he'll find another girl to replace me with.

When it comes to friends, I just never let them get close to begin with. I have TONS of acquaintances and some friends but nobody who I feel really CLOSE to. There's always that wall that separates us. I hate it. I want to trust them and love them and hold them close but I can't. All I feel is that cold wall of mistrust between us. I need to work on breaking down the wall but it's not easy. It's going to take time.

It Gets Better

This is an absolutely amazing video that is definitely worth watching. It's about being gay but I think it speaks for many other populations. Thanks for sharing, Tom.

Holiday Work Week

I hate that I haven't written in so long. It has been a crazy week. Tomorrow will be my 8th day of work in a row. Thanksgiving was nice though. My mom and sister and I got together for breakfast. We had chocolate chip pancakes and hot chocolate while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. All of us had to work in the evening so it worked out well. I brought in some food for my staff which was gone before the shift even started. I was hoping for a slow day but it ended up being pretty hectic.

I stayed at John's Thursday night. We talked A LOT about all sorts of things....ok, so maybe it's ME who talked a lot but John didn't mind. Anyway, I got up to use the restroom at one point and when I got back, Daddy had a diaper waiting for me on the bed. It reminded me a lot of the first time I tried on an adult diaper. I love diapers. So Daddy put the diaper on me while I squirmed around trying to be good. I always try to help but that gets me into trouble....with both John AND Tom. I really do try to be good though.

When we woke up in the morning, Daddy was all horny because of the diaper so we had some sex. Then he showed me the spanking bench that he built. I ended up giving him some input and advice from the bottom's perspective which he was appreciative of. Then it was time to go through the Christmas decorations. It was kind of sad because the very act of separating them was proof that we were no longer living together but reminiscing of the past was fun. We put Christmas music on which made it a little more festive.

Unfortunately, I got really sick with allergies from being around John's rabbit on Friday so I've been pretty miserable the last 2 days. I think I might finally see a doc about it. I did manage to decorate the house though. I've never decorated quite like this before because I've never had a house to decorate. There are mini Christmas trees everywhere, lights, and garland. It's wonderful! It even snowed yesterday. My sister and I are going to get a tree soon. I can't wait! I am totally in the holiday spirit this year and loving it! Maybe it's because I'm BAKING my gifts this year instead of  BUYING them so there's no stress. I'm just really enjoying all of the lights and music and warmth of the holiday. My sister and I are doing dinner at our place for the first time so that should be fun too. Yay!

A New Favorite Christmas Song:
 

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with love and joy and lots of food!!! What are you thankful for this year? I am thankful for so many things.

- Tom and John

- All of my fabulous friends including the newest addition, Kat

- Socks, Max, Oscar, and Ozzie

- Having a job, an apartment, and a car.

- Ramen soup. :-)

- Having enough freedom to do and be what I want in life.

- Having the best year of my life to date.

So tell me, what are you thankful for?

Advice To You

I feel sad today and maybe even a little bit mad too. I'm not sad for me though. I'm sad for other people. I'm sad for the sad people. I'm sad for the mad people. I'm sad for the lonely and the confused people. I have had the opportunity to talk to A LOT of people over the last few years. I have even had the pleasure of knowing some of them more intimately. The one thing that I've noticed is that there are A LOT of sad, mad, lonely, and confused people out there. What's the deal?

I want to help these people. I want to teach them to be happy and confident. I want to teach them how to meet people and how to love and accept themselves as they are. It's hard though because many of them don't want to do the work. They want what they want now. It just doesn't work that way though. You only get out of it as much as you put in.

I'm lonely. I can't meet a girl who understands me, who likes diapers, who isn't crazy. I might as well stop looking. My advice: First of all, many of your are still in your early 20's. You have just barely broken into the world of adulthood. You have SOOO many years ahead of you. Don't give up now. You've only just begun. You've probably only grazed the surface of possibilities out there. I know it seems like you've searched EVERYWHERE but you haven't. Trust me.

Start going to munches. Start going to places like the Fetish Flea where they have presentations on ageplay. Go to Camp Crucible where there's a whole "littles" cabin. Meet people in person. Once people start seeing your face and start trusting you, you'll get invited to private parties. You can only go so far with online chatting. When you meet people, whether it be online or in person, don't just talk about diapers. Ask questions like "What do you do for fun?" or "What kind of music do you like?" or talk about the latest movie. Show a genuine interest in the person and not just their kink. When it doesn't work out, don't give up. Relax! Seriously....high strung and desperate is not attractive. Build some self-esteem. People are drawn to confidence and cheer.  Just have fun and be yourself and your dream date will walk right in when you least expect it.

I don't like myself. I'm trying to stop being little (for whatever reason). My advice: Learn to accept who you are and love yourself. You're a good person with talents and assets and skills. You have something to offer, no matter who you are. There is nothing wrong with your kink. There are millions of people who are just like you so reach out to them. You can't deny your true self. You're going to be miserable if you pretend that being little or liking diapers isn't a big part of who you are. And just think, you might be missing out on finding the best friend or significant other who is looking for YOU, the REAL you. Learn to love yourself and your world will change. I promise you.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm not satisfied. My advice: Change it! So you hate Christmas or Valentine's Day or Thanksgiving because of consumerism or because it brings up bad memories of the past. You don't have to let those things bother you. Create new memories and traditions. Enjoy the parts that you like about the holiday. So you're unhappy with who you are or what you're doing. Either change the thing that's making you unhappy or look at it in a different light. Happiness is a choice. So it rained on your parade...dance in the rain! So someone made you angry. By letting it bother you, you're only giving your enemy what they want. Just move on. Look forward. The past is done and you can't change it so learn from it and make the future better.

I know it's hard to be happy when you're not or be confident when you're not but it's possible. I always say, lie to yourself! That sounds like terrible advice but hear me out. I used to be miserable. I'm talking suicidally depressed. I had no friends. I was always the wall flower. One day, I got sick of feeling sorry for myself and sitting on the sidelines. So when I was asked to joust at a fundraising event at work, I said yes. I would have NEVER said yes in the past. I was TERRIFIED! I wanted to take it back as soon as the words were out of my mouth. So I lied to myself. "You're not afraid. You're having fun. You're enjoying this." I wasn't REALLY having fun though...at first....but then I actually started having fun! I ended up winning the contest. People were cheering for me. I was thrilled!

That one event was the start of a journey for me. I know it sounds cheesy but it's true. I learned that if I could lie to myself long enough to get through an event, I'd come out the other side seeing that my lies were actually the truth. My confidence level was knocked up one notch after that event. So the next time I was asked to do something similar, I went through the same process and my confidence got knocked up ANOTHER notch. Yes, I've been knocked down before but when that happens, I just remember that I can go back up. This takes time and work. It's scary to do something that you're not comfortable with but you need to push yourself. Once you get through it without harm, you'll feel a little more comfortable doing it again next time until it becomes second nature. The same goes for being happy. If you pretend to be happy long enough, you'll start to feel genuinely happy. LOOK for things that make you happy. CHOOSE happiness.

Now, I'm no expert on the matter but I've come a long way in my life. I don't claim to know everything about this and my advice might not work for everyone but it worked for me in a big way. Life is too short to spend it unhappy and wishing for something different. Live right NOW. Be happy NOW. Stop dreaming about what could be and make it happen....but have fun in the process. Just do it! I realize that I started out this blog by saying I'm sad and then went on to say....don't be sad! But I did something about my sad. I wrote this blog entry and now I'm feeling better. Hopefully it has helped you in some way.

Footie Pajamas

I went to bed in my footie pajamas last night....but not because I was feeling little. No. Unfortunately, it was for a bad reason. Apparently my landlord and I are having trouble communicating. She said. "You're running a little low on propane so I need money" which I heard as, "You have a week or two until the propane completely runs out." Apparently, that interpretation was wrong. I have not had heat or hot water or propane to cook with since Sunday night and it's freezing! I slept with my socks on, then my footies, 4 blankets, and 4 cats. I NEVER have all of my cats in the bed at once. They must have been cold too. I really hope I can get this fixed today. She has her money, I want my heat! It's not like I was late paying either because there is no due date. Grrrr....

On another note, Tom and I were at Walmart this past weekend and I saw some Tinkerbell footie pajamas!!! I wanted them SOOOOO badly. I'm having a little trouble deciding if I should go back or not. I don't NEED the jammies but I might never have the option to buy them again. I mean come on, they're Tinkerbell! I shouldn't spend the money though....but I love them so much.....but I don't need them....but they're only $15. Ack! Ok....I made my own Halloween costume. I can make footie pajamas too. That's what I'll do. Now now though...later.

Oh my gosh! There were so many other cool things too!!! Like Tinkerbell rubber matting for the floor like the ABC kind that they make and toy boxes. Too much!

Quiet

I need some quiet time. I feel like it's been a long week or two filled with stress and anxiety. Money, messages, mom, sister, friends, future and work. I need some quiet music and a quiet mind. Shhhhh....

Man Bits

As I mentioned in my last entry, Tom and I had some fun sex time today. At one point, I sat on his chest facing away from him so that I could play with his parts while keeping him pinned. He wasn't able to see what was going on or have access to it himself. It was fun! While doing this, I briefly imagined that his parts belonged to me, that they were a part of my body. It was somehow very erotic to me. I've had these thoughts before. Now, I don't want to be a man or anything, I just find boy parts to be fascinating. I really enjoyed playing with him in this way.

Then, I read a post that a fellow blogger wrote about "pegging." This is when a girl uses a strap on to penetrate a man. I've done this before too and was very aroused by it. I had no idea that there was a name for it though. You learn something new every day. So anyway, I decided I wanted to try on my strap on again tonight. It's the Fetish Fantasy First Timers Strap On. I thought I'd give a little review here.

I like the dildo part of it. It can easily be replaced if the receiver doesn't like it. It's made out of a nice smooth rubber and it's not too big which is perfect for beginners. The harness works well although the quality isn't great. Unfortunately, the O ring that holds the dildo to the harness is terrible. It's way too soft and stretches easily causing the dildo to fall out. Tom fixed this problem by using zip ties the first time we used it but buying a metal O ring would probably be the best thing to do. Overall, I wouldn't suggest this product if you're going to use it a lot. It's great for beginners though. I can't wait to get a new strap on....but this time with a vibrator inside for me! Yum!

Climbing and Movies

Tom arrived Friday night. I had just started watching Beauty and the Beast (because the songs from the play were stuck in my head) so we finished the movie and then had some sex. It was pretty late by the time we went to bed so we slept in a bit the next morning. After getting ready for the day, we ate some Subway lunch and then went shopping for diaper pins (among other things) but couldn't find any. I'm going to bet that I'll find some at the natural food store where the average shopper is more likely to use cloth diapers over disposable.

After shopping, we went rock climbing. I guess it's more accurate to call it gym climbing. Anyway, the walls in this gym were a lot taller than the ones in Albany. I never thought that I was afraid of heights until I got to the top of one of these walls. It wasn't too bad until it began to slope forward at the top. I was terrified and couldn't get past that point. I'm determined to defeat it someday. Tom let me borrow his climbing book so I'm anxious to go again and use the skills I learn. I did learn that you can't punch rocks....because it hurts! I was jumping up to get a grip on a hold and ended up hitting another hold in the process. I have a nice bruise on my palm now to show my stupidity. Lesson learned. I thought it was neat that they had a specific area for bouldering. If I ever have the money, I think I might get a membership because you can go bouldering without a partner. I really love climbing. We ended up spending 2 hours or so there and I can definitely feel it today.

When we left the house Saturday morning, Tom had slipped Mr. Teddy Spanks into my bag. He never used it on me but knowing that it was there was enough to torment me all day. I started to think of him like Chucky....the satanic doll from that horror movie. I knew that he was smiling at me from inside my bag, just waiting to cause some pain. It was somewhat of a mind fuck. (Eeeep! I said a bad word!) Fun, fun, fun!

After climbing, Tom and I cooked some yummy dinner and watched movies. Then he decided that we needed to be little for a while so he put us both in SUPER thick cloth diapers and footie pajamas. I was waddling around like mad. I've never been in diapers so thick. It was fun being able to wet without the worry of leaking. Cloth can definitely absorb a lot faster than disposable. I really had fun being little at the same time as Tom. It felt like we were childhood best friends or something. It was nice. 

Sunday brought some strangeness. Tom woke up in a funky mood, as did I. We spent the day at home watching movies. At one point, Tom started whacking me with Mr. Teddy Spanks but I defeated him! I decapitated the demon paddle with my bottom! I felt victorious and sad about it all at the same time. I'm sure I can find a way to fix him. After that, we had a little bit of sex fun, watched some more movies, and then went for a nice walk in the freezing cold. Both of us were feeling a lot better after the walk so we ran out for some dinner and then headed to my mom's to celebrate my sister's birthday. Overall, it wasn't a bad weekend. It had some strange parts to it but it ended well.

P.S. Kat sent me pictures from the party! I added them to the post that I wrote about it here.

Cleaning House and Beauty and the Beast

I had a wonderful day today. I did groceries (looking forward to some Chicken Tiki Masala tomorrow night!) and then I spent the rest of the day cleaning my apartment. It's spotless! Clean clothes, clean sheets, clean bathroom and kitchen, clean floor, clean dishes. I even cleaned my closet out and put all of the "clutter" away. I discovered that I'm nearly out of diapers though. The horror! Gotta order some more of those. While cleaning my closet, I found some holiday decorations and put those up. It's sparkly and cheerful in here now! I love it! Now I'm listening to Christmas music by fire. Mmmm.... I really enjoyed relaxing in my nice clean house for a while this afternoon. It felt wonderful.

Here's a silly little video that I took while playing with my kitties today. It looks like I'm beating on them but they like it. They told me so. Alright, so I have a lot of cats but I swear I'm not the crazy cat lady. I swear! Max belongs to my sister now and Socks is as old as dirt so he doesn't count.....so that leaves me with 2....and a half. :-P

I also got to see Beauty and the Beast performed by the drama group at my old high school. Unfortunately, it had to be one of the worst performances that I've seen but the costumes were pretty amazing. It was so strange being in my high school again. I haven't been there for years. I suddenly realized that I'm old! I looked at the kids like my parents must have looked at us. I've been out of high school for almost 7 years now. Eeep! That got me thinking about life. At first I was thinking that this isn't where I wanted to be 7 years after high school but then I realized that it doesn't matter. I'm happy and that's all that matters. I'm not where my PARENTS and SISTERS wanted me to be. I don't live for them though. I live for me.

Sin City

LOL. I loved this! I found it while looking for the Tyra show. I think I should move to England. They really are a lot more open minded about things like this.

Bad Dreams, Tyra Banks, and Strong Thoughts

I didn't sleep very well last night. I guess the message on the wall was a little more distressing to me than I thought. I kept dreaming that I would walk into that room the next day and there would be an entire letter taped to the wall detailing all of the wild and kinky things that I've done in my life. I dreamed that all of my coworkers were huddled around reading it and when I walked in, they all turned to stare and laugh at me. I was so upset by it that I was considering driving to work in the middle of the night, in my semi-asleep state, to remove the message and the non-existent letter before anyone saw it.

The message is still on the wall. I left it there instead of scratching it out or taking it down. When I first saw it, all I wanted to do was rip it off the wall and vigorously scratch it out with a dark pen. I was angry. I didn't even care if the message was meant for me or not. People should be nice to each other. People shouldn't call each other names or suggest that they don't belong. That makes me so angry! My second thought was to respond to the message with a powerful statement but that didn't seem appropriate either. So I left it there.

I probably would have taken it down right then and there but one of my employees was in the room. I was always told that bullies do what they do because they like to get a reaction (among other reasons). If it was she who wrote the note, I didn't want to show her any kind of emotion. I felt that it would only exacerbate the problem. So I will go to work today and take down the message. I wish I could do something more dramatic though. I wish I could make a statement.

I hate that these things happen. I try to tell people all the time to just be themselves. Don't worry about what other people say. Be comfortable in your own skin. Love yourself. Have confidence in yourself. There's nothing wrong with what you do or who you are. Just be happy. I promise you that if you learn to love yourself and not care so much about what others think, you're life will be so much more enjoyable. There are millions like you so you're not alone. Then something like this happens and people get scared and go into hiding again.

Here's the thing though.....even if I DID walk into a room full of laughing coworkers, I still wouldn't care. I won't deny that I would feel a little scared and hurt but I still wouldn't change who I am or what I do. I wouldn't show shame because I'm not ashamed. I would probably make a joke out of it. I would ask if anyone wanted to see what a flogger feels like....it's an awful lot like a massage! I'd suggest that it's a lot more fun than watching football!!! Maybe once I broke the shell, I'd explain why I do these things.

Humans are herd animals. They will look to those around them to see how they should react. The Tyra show is a perfect example. Watch the audience on the episode with the AB girl. They are nervously looking around trying to figure out how they should react to this person who is making them feel a little uncomfortable. I guarantee you that if Tyra had reacted positively, the audience would have too. Have you ever wondered why some of the stupid youtube videos are so popular? It's probably because people are living vicariously through those who have the guts to actually do the outrageous fun activities that they're doing. So if I react positively and without shame, others will follow suit or, at the very least, stop bothering me because I'm not providing them with the reaction they wanted. So be yourself without fear! Just do it!

Strange Messages

I'm originally from Canada...Montreal, to be exact. I have been told by many Americans in my lifetime to go back to my country. I'm also an ageplayer who went on TV to talk about my life. People have called me a freak in articles and in the comments left on videos. It's a common occurrence that I have gotten used to. So it's hard for me not to believe that the message on the wall at work saying "Go Home Freak" was left for me.

This message was written right next to a sheet that I have to sign off on every day. This sheet is in a closet that only a few of our staff members have access to and nobody else. It makes me wonder if someone saw my show and didn't like it. Makes me a little nervous. I don't really care what people think about me. It's not going to change who I am or what I do....but a lot of the people who I work with are very judgemental and sometimes hurtful towards others. I just don't want to be hurt.

I hope the message wasn't for me.

Bedtime Stories

So I haven't been feeling particularly little lately....or even kinky. I miss my little!!! Where did she go? I think it's because I have so many adult things running through my head. I have Friday off though and my sis isn't going to be here so maybe that will be the perfect day to be little on my own here at home. Watch Disney movies and color maybe. Oh, and I can make SHAPES mac and cheese!!! Yum. *shrugs* We'll see.

Tom is coming to visit me this weekend. I think I might make him little. I have lots of ideas. Things never quite go as planned though so we'll see where the weekend takes us.

I've had this idea bopping around my brain for a little while now. I know A LOT of little boys and girls who need love and attention. I love being able to be the one who GIVES them that love and attention. As I always say to my little Tommy, *sings* I love to make you smile. So maybe I can help everyone out a teeny tiny little bit by reading them bedtime stories. I could post a video every night of me reading you a story for bed. You could comment for requests if you want. I could read a single story that only takes a few minutes or a chapter a night of a longer story. Maybe if I get good enough at using the camera and editing it, I'll post some interactive videos. I'm excited about this idea. Maybe I'll post one tonight. Stay tuned!

HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE!

The part I'm trying to get at starts at minute 5:00. I want a giant painting like that too!!! Maybe someday I will. *grins*

Money Matters

I hate being unhappy and I hate talking about being unhappy and I hate thinking about being unhappy. Unhappy sucks. I love my sunshine world of optimism and silver linings. That's where I belong. Sometimes life's stresses are just a little too much to handle though and they get me down. Sometimes....but rarely. Unfortunately, today is one of those rare occasions when I feel unhappy.

I have made a few decisions over the last couple of weeks that have impacted my finances greatly. Do I consider them mistakes? I don't know. I don't regret going to Colorado because it has impacted my life in a couple of wonderful ways. I don't regret giving up cleaning because I hated it with every fiber of my being. I am so much happier now (except for today). So no, I don't think they were mistakes. Others might think otherwise though.

I have dipped into my emergency fund this week and am still not done dipping. I will put most of it back next paycheck but I'll have to dip in again to get through the next week. This is disappointing because I was so proud of saving up that money. I have a sister's birthday coming up and Christmas and I'm going to need new tires for my car and my shoes have holes in them. This is distressing to me.

Ok....the obligatory happy ending. I'll take on some extra side jobs to make more money. I'll pay the money back that I borrowed from myself and be extra thrifty. (Found 2 loaves of bread for $2 yesterday. Go me!) I'll make presents instead of buying them for Christmas. Still not sure what to do for tires or my shoes but I'll figure it out. I have plans to go back to college in the spring, which I feel good about. Already picked out my classes. I only have 4 left and then I'll be able to graduate (if I did it right). Things will be ok. I'm struggling now but I'll be fine. I always am. Just gotta get through the rough patches.

Text Blogging?

Can I blog from my phone now? Yes I can!!! It worked! Yay!

A littles lunch.....PB&J on white bread in a snack packer, apple sauce, and muddy buddies. Can't go wrong with that. Yum!

Muddy Buddies!!!

I was craving these delightful treats all day today. It's a fun thing to do when you're little because there's no baking involved and lots of shaking. I found a recipe for them online while I was pretending to work at work ('cause there is no work on Saturdays so you gotta pretend) and decided...I gotta have em! So I made them as soon as I got home and settled down with a bowl of muddy buddies and a hot chocolate under my snuggly blankets. It was a wonderful way to relax. I'm still stressed out but doing better thanks to.....Muddy Buddies!!!

9 c. Chex cereals (corn, rice and/or wheat)
1 c. semi sweet chocolate chips
1/2 c. peanut butter
1/4 c. butter
1/4 tsp. vanilla
1 1/2 c. powdered sugar

Pour cereal into large bowl and set aside. Combine chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter in 1 quart microwavable bowl. Microwave on high for 1 to 1 1/2 minutes or until smooth (stir after 1 minute). Stir in vanilla. Pour chocolate mixture over cereal and stir until all pieces are evenly coated.

Pour cereal mixture into large container (with seal) with powdered sugar. Seal securely. Shake until all pieces are well coated. Spread on wax paper to cool (Not really necessary if you're impatient like me! It just helps prevent sticking which didn't seem to be much of a problem anyway.) Store in an airtight container. Makes 9 cups. Enjoy!

Ageplay in Public

Little Maya posted something about exhibitionism on one of the Fetlife boards today. She said that dressing like a sissy or baby and defecating in public shouldn't be done. Now, I thought this was interesting because I just posted something over here about loving exhibitionism. I think what I do is ok though because I'm usually pretty certain that people won't see me. It's a safe but fun thrill. I respect those around me enough to not include them in my kinky life unless I'm sure they don't mind.

Here's how I responded to the post. I was mostly referring to clothing.

Part of me thinks that you shouldn't do these things out in public because it represents our community badly. Most people have an immediate negative reaction and there's no opportunity to explain the story behind it. I also have a feeling that many who do these things in public are only looking for the shock value and are not just expressing themselves.

There's also a huge part of me that wants to fight for acceptance and freedom of expression though. I think that it should be ok for people to dress how they want in public. Others are only uncomfortable because they don't understand. If they were more educated on the matter and more open minded, they might be more accepting. Some people are uncomfortable around those who wear lots of facial piercings or trench coats but we don't tell them that they can't express themselves in that way. Why not?

Considering how our world sees things today, I'd have to say it's best to be a little discreet. As the larger population learns more about our world, we can come out a little more. It's all about respect. If we respect their limits until they feel comfortable with pushing them, maybe they'll come to respect our interests.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Answer in the comments. :-)

Forced Regression and Exhibitionism

Tom does a lot of what I think of as forced regression...at least one form of it anyway. He will tell me to do something at a time when I am not feeling particularly little or when I'm feeling grumpy. Like last night, he told me to put on a cloth diaper with plastic pants and my little jammies. He asked if I had my teddy and told me to get a bottle. I didn't really want to because I was already warm in my bed and getting up meant I had to walk around my cold room. This kind of regression feels very strange, very different from what John does. At first I grudgingly drag myself through the steps. Then, when left alone in my little state, as I often am in these situations, I start to feel like I'm being hugged.

I've always known that I'm a bit of an exhibitionist but I never realized how MUCH of one I was until recently. I posted a couple of new pictures on Fetlife this morning and started getting comments immediately. I was absolutely thrilled! I was bouncing with joy. Embarrassed that I had even posted the pics but completely ecstatic about the comments. I also kinda like doing "risky" things like taking my shirt off on the hiking trail. Even though it's unlikely that I'd be seen, it's POSSIBLE....or discreetly touching boy parts in public places where people might see. *blushes* I'm so bad!!!! Eeeep! It's so much fun though. I think I do a lot of the BDSM stuff because of the endorphins and adrenaline that I get from it. I'm addicted. Hello. My name is Ella and I'm a BDSMaholic.....and I'll NEVER be sober!!! Haha!

Waterfalls and Peter Pan

I spent Thursday with Daddy again. We spent a LONG time talking on Wednesday night so we slept in a bit on Thursday morning. Once we woke up, Daddy put the little pink plug in me and diapered me up for the day. Eeep! Then we headed out for some yummy breakfast. I kept saying "My bum, Daddy" but he wouldn't do anything about it. He just made things worse by patting it and saying "What's wrong, babygirl?" 

We had eaten breakfast at Ihop which is at the mall. On the way back to the car, I noticed some awesome hats out of the corner of my eye at Spencer's. I wanted one sooooo badly but I was a good girl and didn't get one. We got in trouble for trying to take pictures but Daddy managed to snap this one before being kicked out. Oops!

After the mall, we went to see some more waterfalls. We ended up going to 3 different places. I'm glad I was wearing a diaper because waterfalls do funny things to little girls if they've had a lot to drink. Here are some videos. Turn your sound off because they're REALLY loud!!! 

We had to rush home for a quick change before heading back out to see Peter Pan! The play was amazing. The sets were fantastic, the actors were phenomenal, and the flying tricks were well done. I was engrossed. I love going to plays. I'm considering trying to be a part of the next play which will be Chicago. After the play, we went home and ate ice cream and I fell asleep on Daddy's lap. Another wonderful day in the life of me.

Things, Stuff, Randomness

I checked in for my flight home online like I did on my way to Colorado but I didn't have a computer available to me so I chose the e-pass option. This was the first time I've seen it. I got the boarding pass sent to my phone in a text message. All I had to do was enlarge the little barcode picture and they'd scan it. Worked like a charm! Very convenient. I didn't have to worry about losing paper passes. It was awesome!

I got to spank a kitty while I was at Kat's! The poor girl was so horny. Hehehe. It was pretty funny. She was making all sorts of noises and arching her back. Naughty kitty. I'm beginning to think only female cats like to be spanked though because my boys hate it.

I've been considering potty training my cats. Now, I realize this sounds rediculous and, if I'm not there already, it might push me into the crazy cat lady category but hear me out. I have 4 cats....FOUR. That's A LOT of kitty litter. This kitty litter costs lots of money. Kitty litter also creates a lot of mess, being tracked everywhere. Plus, the cats walk around in the dirty litter and then all over the furniture and whatnot. What if they could just use the toilet? It's possible! Something to keep thinking about.

Daddy is taking me to see the play Peter Pan tomorrow at the local theater!!! I am soooo excited! I think he has a few other things planned too....spary things. He wants me to bring my vibrator and a butt plug and restraints and all sorts of other things. From my understanding, he just finished making a spanking bench and he wants me to christen it. Eeeep! *grins*

Eerie Winter

Winter on the farm is so eerie. I was sitting with my cats by the open window this morning. It was cold and a little windy. It was so quiet compared to summer. It felt desolate and lonely. The chickens were silent. There were no rustling leaves....only a little creaking every now and then. There were no singing birds...only the sound of one far away crow (or evil death bird, as I call them). It was grey and dreary. Very eerie. I can't wait to decorate so that this place feels a little warmer.

Winter Advisory

I left beautiful 75 degree and sunny Colorado to come home to 32 degree freezing rain and winter weather advisories in Vermont. What the heck? Winter is definitely on it's way if it isn't here already. I was sliding all over the place in my car this morning. Gotta get some new tires.....or be REALLY careful. I'm thinking tires would be best but they cost money! Darn it.

I did enjoy wearing my winter coat and mittens though. Mittens always make me feel little. And this slushy mix IS putting me in the mood for Christmas, which is kinda nice. Cold weather CAN be fun. Just gotta find the silver lining in it!

Kat's Party!

I arrived at Kat's a little early which was nice 'cause I got to meet her before everyone else arrived. She is a super sweet girl! I'm so happy that she invited me. She gave me a tour of the house, including her beautiful nursery, and then introduced me to her boy. I gotta say, I was crushing on him a little bit. You're a lucky gal Kat! He was pretty cute and really fun and easy to talk to. After chatting with him for a while, I got changed into my costume and everyone started to arrive.

There were some great people at this party. I've been to a lot of munches and parties in the past but have never felt so comfortable with a group of people before. We all talked and ate yummy foods including baby fingers (cocktail wieners), which were DELICIOUS. Then we played "Bounce the Bunny" for a while, which was fun. It was a little more challenging for me because Tom had zip tied me into a pair of bondage mitts. Fun, fun, fun! We played musical chairs where I might have cheated a little at the end....but only because Kat's boy was a meanie head first! Then we watched a movie and decorated Halloween cookies. Kat and Lilly and I ganged up on William and decorated his face with icing and sprinkles. Hopefully I'll have a picture or two to share later.

There was one lady (who shall remain unnamed for now) who really knew what she was doing as a Top. She said something while we were decorating cookies that pushed my buttons and turned me little immediately. She even let me sit on her lap at one point. Tom started tickling me though and she joined in....traitor, hehe....and then the hot boy in the kilt ALSO joined in. Not fair! After that, we played hide and seek and I won! It was a group effort though because one person had to put the chair in front of the closet door and Tom offered to be found first. It was so much fun!

After hide and seek, we all got changed out of our costumes and headed to Lik's Ice Cream. Yum! It was delicious. We sat there for a LONG time talking about everything. I really enjoy times like these. Lots of laughter and smiles. Lots of teasing and joking and fun stories. Good times all around. Sadly, it was time to go. I wish I was able to spend more time talking with Kat and William. I didn't get to talk to either of them hardly at all with all the hustle and bustle! Hopefully there will be more time for that next time.

Tom and I stopped for some dinner after leaving. I'm glad we did because we had both forgotten something at Kat's house. We went back to pick up our stuff and then headed to the hotel. We had some yummy sex and then crashed. It was a rough night's sleep though. We both woke up at one point and were like "WATER!!!" We were so very thirsty. The next morning we had breakfast with Tom's friend and I headed back to Vermont.

I love my life!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Five planes, four cities, two days, and one rental car. Eeep!

I worked until 11 on Friday night. Now, I'm usually pretty beat by the end of the day but I was wired on Friday. This was no good because I only had the opportunity to sleep for 4 hours before having to get up to catch my plane. So I went to my mom's after work and did everything I could to fall asleep. I think I looked at the clock a million times before giving up and getting out of bed at 3:15. I showered, packed the car, and drove to the airport.

I was exhausted. I'm thankful that there aren't too many people out and about at 4 in the morning because my driving skills were lacking. I believe I sat through 2 green lights and a flashing yellow on my way to the airport. After finding a very convenient parking spot, I walked right up to the security checkpoint...gotta love the online check in option. I was the first in line! I was nervous because I had my carry on with the diapers and everything and I knew a guy who was in line a few people behind me. Thankfully, they didn't pull anything out and I was free to go.

I gotta say, getting old kinda sucks. When I was a kid, I was NEVER nervous about flying. It was always just pure excitement. Now I have excitement mixed with nerves because I know what pain feels like, I've seen more accidents on the news, I've witnessed the things that humans can do to each other. I know what CAN happen. So I was scared as we made our way to the runway but we were up in the air without any issues. I munched on the delicious complimentary gingerbread cookies while watching the sun rise.

Once my plane landed, I had to book it to my connecting flight. Quickest layover EVER! I was the last one on the plane with only 5 minutes to spare. Scary! The word I would use to describe that next flight would be turbulent but uneventful otherwise. I can't remember which airport it was but one of them had this cool tunnel that lit up in all different colors. It was gorgeous! The Denver airport was kinda neat too because it looked like a circus tent and there were these little fans on the walls of the subway tunnel that spun as the train went by.

After landing in Denver, I had some time to kill so I went for some food. It was 11 or so my time and I was in the mood for lunch but it was only 9 in Denver so everyone was still serving breakfast. Blech! Thankfully, I found a chinese restaurant who was serving lunch. I munched on my rice and chicken while watching the people down below. I love people watching. Then I noticed the rental car booths and started getting quotes online. It seemed that some of them would be cheaper than taking a taxi to the party.

I went to one of the booths and they said $20 for the day! Wow! I'll take it. A bus took us to the lot where I was going to actually rent the car but once I got there, the guy said they'd have to hold $400 for 2 weeks. No, thank you. He said I could go next door where the would not hold that amount and they'd match the $20. So that's what I did but after all of the fees and taxes, it added it to a little more than what I may have put out for a taxi. I wasn't planning on this but having the car turned out to be kinda nice.

Colorado was so strange to me. I'm used to lots of green and mountains and water. Denver was flat flat flat and brown with some GIANT mountains in the background. It was SOOOO flat though! I couldn't get over it. I kept seeing these round crops as we were flying in and couldn't figure out why they did it that way until we  got closer to the ground and noticed the sprinkler system. I guess I just never realized how dry and flat this area really was.

Anyway, the three flights back home went well. Quick layovers but not so quick that I had to rush which was nice. I sat next to some interesting people on the way home. Talked about travelling and hiking. I had bought a neck pillow before leaving Denver which made the trip home surprisingly comfortable. Overall, my travel was pretty enjoyable. Can't wait to do it again.

My Tom Is Leaving

......on a jet plane. He's leavin' tomorrow. Lucky guy, gettin' the Friday off and everything. I'm wishing him a safe and happy trip. Bubye Tom! I'll see you soon! Be safe! *GIANT hugs* I can't wait to see you again.

I'm leavin' on Saturday. Sleeping at mom's Friday night 'cause she lives only 5 minutes from the airport and I live 30 minutes from the aiport and I gotta be up at oh-my-god-early 4am to catch my plane at 6am after working until 11pm the night before. So mom's couch it is. It's gonna be a long Saturday but hopefully lots of fun too.

I get to fly! I'm always super duper excited about flying but also a little nervous. It will be fine. I'm bringing my little Tinkerbell blanket with me. Gotta have the safety blanket. I love watching the people at airports and feeling those nervous excited butterflies. I'm sleeping in a hotel on Saturday night which is also super awesome. I've always loved hotels. The sheets are clean and white. There's TV and a king size bed. My OCDness gets a little nervous about germies and whatnot at hotels but the excitement can usually override those nerves if the place looks clean enough. I think all of the excitement comes from when I was a kid. We used to travel SOOOOO much.....all over Europe and the east coast of the states. It was always such fun.

So these parties that are for both BDSMers and ageplayers always confuse the heck out of my brain. See, spankings and bondage and kinkiness in general turns me on but my little girl side is SOOOO not sexual. It's always weird to mix the two. I usually end up sort of roleplaying a sexual little girl if that's what seems to fit because my real little girl side can't see the sex 'cause she's too young. Gotta protect my little girl side! So I'm sure that's what's going to happen this weekend although I'm hoping I get a chance to let my real little girl side out for a bit too. We'll see.

The Tard Family!

I feel a little bad for blogging about these guys on my kinkyish website 'cause they're a totally awesome family...BUUUUUT they're a totally awesome family and I want everyone to see!!! I wanna have a family like these guys! They're insane! I've been thinking....I want a baby! I want a family! But then I get all little or start feeling devilishly kinky and I think.....I can't have a family! The kids are gonna ruin everything! Or maybe I'll ruin the kids! But I can do it. I'd be a great mom. We'd have so much fun! These guys are having a blast and I totally will too. Yay for the Shaytard family! Seriously, they're so friggin happy and I LOVVVVVE happy!!! Here are some videos and a link to their website! http://shaycarl.com/

The Littles Flogger

*sings*    My bags are packed, I'm ready to go.....

Yup. I'm really ready to go. Everything is packed except for the toiletries. I stressed about what to bring and then just said, forget about it! I don't care what others think. So I have my beautiful vibrator, a paci, Mr. Teddy Spanks, and diapers of course. I also brought along my costume and my blanket....because I can't stay ANYWHERE without a blanket. I have a thing for blankets. Never really realized it until I heard about other people saying the same way about their teddies. I need my safety blanket!

 I was thinking about bringing my Littles Flogger but decided against it. This flogger is a beautiful thing. The lashes are made of a soft pink leather. This is a full flogger with lots of lashes which makes it more thuddy than stingy. The best part about this gorgeous tool is that it has a rattle for a handle. The handle is made out of a light varnished wood with small balls inside the hollow center. It has a nice sound to it that really adds a nice touch to the scene. It was specially designed and made for me by a wonderful woman named Eva. I decided against bringing it because I definitely don't want this baby to be taken away from me. If anyone is interested in owning something like this, let me know and I'll contact Eva for you. It's really too bad that I can't bring it because it's so much fun to use.

Busy Day Off

I had the day off from work today. It was a busy day but I feel good about getting so much accomplished. I called my bank and spent an hour or so with them because the fraudulent purchases that someone made in GA were still showing up on my account. They told me they never received the paperwork but had a note saying I brought it in. Sooooo I had to go to the bank AGAIN and bring them the paperwork AGAIN.

Then I spent an hour talking to technical services because my phone won't send email. They couldn't help me so I went to the store where they spent another hour trying to fix the problem. They finally gave up and are now sending me a brand new phone. Should be here tomorrow. Yay!

I also found a nice home for my rattie babies today. The lady was perfect for them. She was amazing. It might seem silly to be giving them away since I begged to get them in the first place but working two jobs has made it difficult to spend enough time with them. My OCDness has also made it a little difficult to handle the fact that they pee as they walk to mark their territory. I didn't know this when I got them, despite the extensive research that I did. Well, they're happy now and I am too.

Lastly, I applied for a few more jobs in Albany. I got a call back from one place that I applied to over the weekend but I couldn't, for the life of me, understand what the lady was saying in the voicemail. I listened to the message 5 or 6 times. She had the thickest Indian sounding accent ever. Maybe it will be easier to understand her in person. I don't even know what company she's calling from which could make the phone call a little awkward if it still ends up being hard to understand. *shrugs* Still worth a shot.

So it was a good day. Relaxing at home with some Moulin Rouge, my sister, and the tastiest kettle corn in the world now. Yum! Just three more days until.....*sings*   I'm leaving, on a jet plane.....

Winter is Coming

The trees are bare, there's a nip in the air, and it snowed yesterday morning. My family has started buying Christmas gifts and there are already red and green decorations and tasty treats filling the aisles of the stores. Winter is on it's way. I'm looking forward to the holiday season. It's so warm and fuzzy with happy music and twinkling lights. Mmmmm..... I even like the snow....as long as it stays off the streets and sidewalks. I love to go ice skating and sledding and snowshoeing. I can't wait!

Baggage Check

As some of you might already know, I am going to Denver on Saturday to attend a Halloween party at Kat's house (diaperedkitten). This party is for people who enjoy ageplay AND bdsm. Well, hey! That's me! So I want to bring a toy or two with me....perhaps Mr. Teddy Spanks can kiss somebody else's bottom this week. Now, I'm a smidgen bit short on funds right now so I'm trying to save where I can. This is proving to be a little tricky though.

I'm only staying for one night so I don't need a lot of stuff. A small overnight bag will fit everything, including the toy or two that I want to bring. I could easily bring it with me on the plane and not check it in. This appeals to me for many reasons, however, it means someone will have to open it up and look inside. They would then discover a bunch of adult diapers, a paddle, and perhaps a few other shocking items. I might get pulled aside and asked all sorts of embarrassing questions...'cause the government sometimes thinks that people who carry diapers and paddles are terrorists. Eeep!

So the question is, do I pay the $15 to $20 each way to check my bag (totaling to $40) or do I not pay a thing and risk being utterly humiliated? Hmmmm........