I went on TV....

....to tell my story....to talk about ageplay to the entire world. I didn't have a lot to say though. They made me do things that I never did in real life....for tv. They made me say things in a way that I didn't want to say them....for tv. Things have changed now. I'm different now. I've experienced more. I have more to say.

I want to go on TV again but it would be different this time. I want to tell the world that it's not about the physical play. It's not about the coloring books and the pacies and the diapers. It's about relationships. It's about family. It's about experiences that are filled with joy and warmth and happiness. The physical things that we do, they're fun, but that happy can't compare to the happy that you feel when you're with the people who are just like you.

I want to go on TV again and tell the world about my happy. I want to share it. It has never been this big before. I want to help others build their happy up so it's as big as mine.....because nothing feels better. I have a different story to tell now. I story filled with feeling....not of moving pictures and producer ideas.....it's a story of love.

A Weekend of Happy

Some special moments:

- Tom put me in some thick diapers so we could go to the movies. Then he put me in a pull over sweatshirt that had been converted into a sort of straight jacket. He had sewn the sleeves into the pockets so that it looked like I was just keeping my hands in my pockets but I couldn't remove them. Then he added a strap that went through the legs and attached in the front so I couldn't pull the sweatshirt off. I was stuck and I couldn't do anything about it. I needed help opening doors, putting my seatbelt on....everything! Very effective public bondage.

- Tom and I went to a TNG play party Saturday night. I was subjected to the tens unit and the evil stick. I tried out a rigid stockade, which was VERY uncomfortable, and I got to color on people. I also did some thug play with Tom which, somehow, brought us very close. The energy between us was amazing! Then I had my hands tied behind my back for the rest of the night. I enjoyed having to figure out different ways to eat food and get around. I seem to really enjoy this kind of bondage.

- I brought Tommy to his doctor's appointment in the bedroom on Saturday morning. Dr Ella performed a series of (sometimes painful) procedures to test how sensitive Tommy was to certain stimuli. *grins* She later determined that he would need to be "fixed" and then she had her way with him. (This sounds so terrible! Rape!)

- Climbing! I love climbing. Not kinky but super fun. I can't wait to go again. I wish we could have gone into the caves but Tom and I were both beat by the time we finished climbing.

- Sunday night brought us to 2 different munches. The Apex munch had a large turnout, which meant that Tom and I sat alone at another table. There wasn't room to sit with the group. *pout* That wasn't so fun. The TNG munch was much better though. I enjoyed meeting so many new people. It feels like this group could easily become family.

- On Sunday night, I was put into diders again while we watched a movie and sipped on some of the best rum I've ever tasted. We ended up wanting some chips so we headed to the store, skipping down the sidewalks all the way there. I was VERY nervous about going into the store though because my diapers were definitely noticeable through my tight pants. I managed to get through without issue though.

What a wonderful weekend! It left me completely worn out but very very satisfied.

Things to Come

Happy news! I'm going to see Tom again this weekend. Yay! I have many things planned for him. TOO many things actually. I might not get to them all. We're going to a TNG play party on Saturday and possibly 2 munches on Sunday. I'm also bringing Tom to see Dr. Ella. He needs his yearly checkup. *grins* In a couple of weeks, we'll be having the littles invasion at The Society in Hartford, CT where there will be a picnic, cookie decorating, and an easter egg hunt. LOTS of fun things to come. Can't wait!

Disturbing

I followed a link that I found on Fetlife that lead me to one of the most disturbing videos I've ever seen. It was of a solo sexual act gone wrong. I won't share the link or even describe what happened in the video to save you from the images that are now haunting me. I'll only say that the man in the video was hurt very very badly. I nearly passed out when I saw it. I can't stop thinking about it, no matter how much I try. Make it go away!

A Duckling!!!

Like me. This ducky was scrumptious! Now he lives in ma belly. Yum. :-)

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Littles Night @ The Society - Teddy Bear Picnic

I'm organizing a littles event at The Society in Hartford, CT on Saturday April 16th. The Society is a fully equipped and comfortable dungeon space and for that night the littles will be taking over. The event listing is here if you want to RSVP or you can RSVP by commenting on this post.

DETAILS

*RSVP is required (unless you are a member of The Society)

*$20 to get in ($15 if you're a member)

*Must be 21 or older to attend

*doors open at 4pm and close at 2am

*If you're planning to sleepover with the Littles you MUST RSVP by commenting here, emailing me on Fetlife or at Kasnow86@Aol.com

DEMO/ACTIVITY

The Littles will be having a Teddy Bear Picnic! Bring your blankets and teddies and enjoy a meal with friends. I'll be starting a potluck sign up list for picnic foods. Potato salad, lemonade, cupcakes, sandwiches....what's your fancy? Perhaps you can introduce your bears and tell us their story. Are they just as kinky and perverted as you or do you protect them from those devilish activities? :P

As usual there will be a sleepover followed by brunch at a local diner on Sunday. If you're interested in the sleepover you must RSVP by commenting here, emailing me on Fetlife or at Kasnow86@Aol.com in order to get on the list.

THINGS TO BRING

*Food dish or snack to share (Let us know what you're bringing on the sign up list!)

*Teddy Bear(s)

*Blanket

*Toys

*Sleeping gear if you're on the sleepover list (air mattress, pillows, blankets)

THE SOCIETY'S SPACE

A little more about the space... there are many rooms for many different purposes. There will be a room set aside for non-sexual/non-threatening age-play. In the rest of the space there may be sexual play however sexual intercourse/oral sex are not allowed. You can wear however little clothing you're comfortable in, (they've seen diapers before so feel free to wear) or costume if you'd like. Not everyone there will be age-players but expect an open minded environment.

RSVP and CRASH SPACE

There is crash space available for folks that ask me ahead of time, but there are also really cheap hotels in the area too. To get on the guest list, just RSVP by commenting here, emailing me on Fetlife or at Kasnow86@Aol.com with Littles Night in the subject line and make sure to mention if you'll be needing crash space so I can give you more information.

It should be a lot of fun and I hope most of you can make it! Really! You should come! There are usually around 30 of us there and the number keeps growing. If we get enough people, we'll be changing it to every 2 months instead of every 3 months. So come see!

Amazing Art

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Jealousy

I was talking to Tom last night about his interests in a couple of lady friends in his life and I admitted that I was a bit jealous. I told him that I think controlled jealousy is a good thing....."controlled" being the key word. To me, it indicates that you still have an attraction to the other person. It indicates that you still want them. He disagreed. I thought about it some more after hanging up. Then I realized that being happy for your partner is probably better than being jealous. But can someone be happy AND jealous? I don't know. I've argued in the past that jealousy has roots in other feelings such as insecurity, fear, and anger. That means jealousy ISN'T healthy. I continue to go back and forth on the idea though. I was told once by a lady who I respect very much that if I didn't want Tom all to myself, I shouldn't be moving to Albany, whether I was happy with the poly situation or not. Soooo....I'm a little confused.

Dan Savage

I'm beginning to wonder why people love Dan Savage so much. Especially after I saw this post by him on ageplay. Not only does he bash ageply in this article, but he bashes fisting and enemas as well, which I consider pretty tame compared to other kinks that I've seen. What else is he against? Seemingly everything. He often responds to people's calls by telling them to "DUMP THE BITCH." Really? Is that the best way to handle a relationship problem? 'Cause the last time I checked, relationships take work and COMMUNICATION. Anyway, it makes me sad to know that such a close minded man is so popular. I feel like someone in his position has a responsibility to educate and influence the public for the better. I would love to start my own show like his that's a little more positive....."Ask Ella! Answering YOUR questions about kink, sex, and relationships."

Walking the Line

I'm still learning how to top Tom. It's sometimes difficult because being bossy doesn't come naturally to me. It takes a while for me to get warmed up. At first it's work, then I start getting turned on and it turns into fun. That's when I start getting mean. I enjoy watching him wriggle and squirm. Hearing him beg and moan is just....yum! The one thing I've noticed that I don't like so much is that I tend to emotionally distance myself from him. It seems to be the only way that I can be mean to him. The problem with this is that I'm still a novice top so I get nervous about not knowing where the line is. I don't think I've ever crossed it before but I'm afraid of doing damage if I do. Something to talk about, I suppose. I have a pretty good idea of where to stop but it's still a little nerve wracking. It takes a lot of responsibility to be a Top. Eeep!

Little Munkey Blog Award

Celyn awarded me the "Little Munkey Blog Award." Look! If I understand correctly, I now need to list 5 things that I love about being little. Well, here they are:

1) Friends.....I have made sooooo many friends over the last couple of years. Being little with them has been amazing. They have enriched my life and made it so much more meaningful.

2) Comfort and Security....Being little feels safe to me, especially when I have someone to look after me. Nothing's better than the feeling of snuggling up in someone's arms or trying something new and being able to look back at my big for that reassuring smile.

3) Stress Relief.....Being little allows me to forget about all the big stressful crazy things in my life. All I have to worry about when I'm little is what color crayon to choose next and what flavor of ice cream I want.

4) Fun and Creativity.....When I'm little, I get to play! I can run and jump in the puddles and see the world in vibrant beautiful colors and laugh and ask silly questions and make silly sounds. I can have fun!

5) Clothing and Stuff......Little clothing is soooooo comfy! Pacies are fun to have in your mouth. Bottles feel good to drink from. Diapers are...well, I don't wear diapers cause I'm a big girl!!! Ok, sometimes I do wear diapers and they ARE sometimes nice......but don't tell Daddy! Cause I'm a big girl and I don't need them. *grins*

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

They are so happy! I love it! What a great song. Can you see her little?

New Things

I bought these panties the other day because I needed some new ones. They have Hello Kitty on them. I love them! They're like my happy little secret.

I also got this new doll. She's homemade. Someone at work was going to throw her away because she couldn't be donated at the hospital. I fell in love with her immediately. Her name is Sally but I like to call her Sal. I want to make an outfit for me that's just like hers.

A Wonderful Weekend

I made a decision before going to visit Tom this weekend that I would do my best to completely let my little side go with him. My little self ended up coming out but it was a bit scary at first. I looked at Tom as if he was a stranger. I've never felt so dissociated. It got better as the weekend passed though. Tom kept calling me his little duckling, which was wonderful, and he ended up giving me the lollipop that he promised me for drawing him a picture last week. My little learned to trust him pretty quickly. 

Tom and I took a shower, which involved some watersports, before spending the morning running errands. One of those errands was picking up diapers at the drug store. This seems to get easier and easier each time I do it. I don't know if it's because I care less about what people think or because I realize that people don't care about what I'M doing. Either way, I'm thankful that it's not as stressful as it used to be. 

When we got home, Tom put me in 3 diapers. Look! It was SOOO thick. Thankfully, he let me put jeans on instead of keeping these tight pants on. Then we went for a drive to look at neighborhoods where I might move to. On the way home, Tom surprised me with my Hitachi wand. He had hidden it in car. I ended up being teased with it all the way home. I guess I was getting a little too excited so he made me hold a quarter between my knees. That was hard. Then he made me hold coins between the fingers of both my hands like I was praying so I couldn't touch anything. Eeep!

The next morning, I cooked some yummy lunch for Tom and his wife, then went for a walk. There were SOOOO many puddles at the park. I wanted to go play in them but I didn't have my galoshes with me. After the walk, we went to the munch. Unfortunately, the restaurant that we were supposed to go to was closed so we moved it to a nearby pub. We only had one guest for a total of 4 people though. I'm wondering what would have helped bring more people. I think I might try to do as much advertising as I can next month to help out. It's all about the people so if they don't come, it's no fun. Once the munch was over, Tom and I went to visit some of his friends where we played a million gajillion hours of Rock Band. 

I feel like Tom and I grew to be very close during this visit. I love coming away from visits feeling this way. It's so tough having to be away from him for so long.

Albany Munch Mistake

I lied! The munch is Sunday night. Tomorrow. You should come. It's going to be fun. :-)

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Excited!

I'm so excited for this weekend! Tom told me to bring all this little stuff with me. I can't wait! I love love love being little and knowing that there are things planned just makes it better. I might even get to go play in the mud puddles!!! Who wouldn't be excited for that? I have my rain boots and my rain suit all packed in the care. I also have snow tubes and snow pants and snowshoes and ice skates....just in case. Ok, so they were already in my car but anyway, I'm ready for anything. I'm also super excited because I FINALLY get to go to Tom's munch. It's being held tomorrow, Saturday, at 5pm at Jillians in Albany. Come check it out! *does happy dance*

Broken Toe

       

I broke my toe today while vacuuming. Rammed it right into the corner and heard it snap. Now it's pretty colors. I can't stop looking at the pretty colors. I should get a sticker or something because I didn't even cry.

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Jellybeans...

...make me SOOOO happy, especially sweet tart ones. Yum!

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Tom is Sick

He said he'd give me a lollipop if I drew him a picture. I love lollipops but I would have drawn him a picture anyway. I want him to feel better. So this is a picture of Tom sick in bed. He's dreaming of fighting in the SCA when he gets better. I gave him all kinds of things to make him happy like ice cream (That makes ME happy!), and a new job, and puppies (Ok, so this makes me happy too), and spaceships . I should have also added robots and sweeties and kitties and climbing and rollerblading and swimming. That's a lot to draw though. I still think it made him happy. Look!

Brudder?

For some reason, I haven't been able to call Tom "Daddy." I think it's because John was Daddy for so long and he's still in my life. I also think it's because I switch with Tom. My little self can't seem to completely let go with him. She's not sure when she'll have to go away so I can come in and take care of little Tommy. That's not a problem, just something I have to work around. It's kind of like a sliding scale. The more little Tom gets, the more big I get and vice versa. Problem is, I don't go all the way down to little when it's my turn because I want to be fair. It takes me a long time to find my way OUT of littlespace. I don't want to be stuck there when Tommy needs time to play.


I think I've found a solution to this conundrum. The last time Tom and I were together, we both went little together. It worked really well but we didn't talk about it much. Then Tom texted me and said that he misses his sis. His sis? That made me so happy! I really like the idea of us being "siblings" because it means we can BOTH be little and take turns topping each other while staying little. Of course we won't be siblings all the time but every now and then could be nice. :-)

Breasts

Sooo....I have small breasts. I like my breasts. They don't get in the way. They don't need a lot of support. They work with the whole "little" thing. I've gotten used to them. At the same time, I wish they were a little bigger. I'm talking one size up...a B cup. It's not that I don't like my body the way it is. I could easily go on with life and never give them a second thought. I just think I'd look and feel a little better with bigger breasts. I want to look like a woman. I want to feel sexy. I want to wear pretty bras and lingerie and look good. It's tough being able to find bras that fit properly right now.

My sister said this morning, "why don't you get implants?" I have to admit, I've thought about it before. I'm embarrassed to share this thought though. I feel like there's a bad stigma against getting implants. I think I'd be happier with how I look but I'd be ashamed about the fact that they aren't real. What does everyone else out there think about them? It's not like I'm planning on getting them, just playing with the idea. So what do you think? Has anyone had them done? Does anyone know someone who's had them done? What do you guys think about girls who've had them done? Just curious.

I think this woman is beautiful.

Outraged!

There are little girls out there, 5 and 6 years old, who are having a part of their clitoris cut off by doctors because it's above average in size. These little girls are then having to go through follow up examinations to see if any nerves were damaged. The examination consists of the doctor touching the clitoris with a q-tip or vibrator and asking how much the girl can feel it on a scale of 0 to 5. How is this legal? How are the parents ok with this? I can't believe it! I'm disgusted and outraged.

http://www.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2010/06/16/female-genital-mutilation-at-cornell-university

Movies

I was browsing through some of the discussion boards on Fetlife when I stumbled across one that was about BDSM themed movies. That got me thinking about some of the non-BDSM themed movies that I remember from childhood that....made me feel a little funny inside. :-)

Dead Poet's Society: I remember watching the paddling scene from this movie over and over again. It still does the trick for me. As a whole, this is a fantastic movie that I highly recommend. The paddling is just a bonus.



Interview With The Vampire: I loved this movie. Who doesn't think vampires are at least a little sexy?



The Rocky Horror Picture Show: I don't think I need to say too much about this movie. It speaks for itself.



And when I got a little bit older, there was The Secretary, 9 1/2 Weeks, Eyes Wide Shut, and The Pet.

Best Marriage Proposal EVER

I'm sure there are some ladies out there who would agree with me. I've never actually WANTED to watch a commercial a second time until I saw this one (except for maybe the Old Spice "man on a horse" commercial *grins*).

Let's Dance Together

One of my most favoritest songs ever in the whole wide world.

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A Feel Good Dream

I had a dream last night that left me feeling so warm and fuzzy when I woke up. In my dream, I went to RPI for an interview and was instantly offered the job. I was also thrown right into classes. These classes were all taught by the same teacher. The only thing that changed was the location on campus and the subject. We sat on wooden fences and on top of the hill and in the trees. It was wonderful! The population of the college was separated into "color guards" which essentially became family. I was in the purple guard. The people in the group were great! They were creative, cooperative, friendly, peaceful, and very very happy. They were perfect.

When I woke up, I was feeling wonderful but there was also this sadness over the fact that it was only a dream. Then I realized that this dream IS my life. I have a very large group of friends who make me feel just like I did in the dream. I can go sit in the trees or on the mountain anytime that I want to and I often do in the summer. The only thing I'm waiting on is RPI. Keeping my fingers crossed that this dream becomes a reality too.

Bubbling Over

Last night, I talked with Mako on Skype (which I haven't done in FOREVER) and noticed that ryakitty, who I love love love, left comments on my blog. I was filled with sooooo much happiness. I was gushing with happy and didn't know what to do with myself. I squeeeeeed and bounced and smiled. I love having these people in my life. They fill it with so much warmth and meaning. My friends are the only ones (besides my SOs) who don't judge me and who share the same quirky interests that I have. Finding people who are similar to you will change your life. That's what they should tell kids as part of the "It Gets Better" campaign. It gets better because when you grow up, you can break away from your family and school and find people who are just like you. It's a truly wonderful feeling.

The Big Little Podcast

My friend Mako and his brother Spacey just started a new podcast by and for littles. Go check it out! I think it's pretty awesome and, from the sound of it, they have quite a few very interesting topics coming up so stay posted.

http://www.biglittlepodcast.com/

Parts of a Whole

I'm little. That's a known fact. It's part of who I am. It shows up in my personality and in my interests. It's the colorful socks in my drawer, the excitement over going to the movies, and the bouncy happiness that I carry with me all day. At the same time, it's a separate part of who I am. I have my little side and my big side. My big side has to care for the little girl who lives inside. I have to make sure she is well behaved during adult times, that she gets enough love and attention, and that she stays safe. 

It's so strange to think of being little in this way. Sometimes I wonder if I sound crazy talking about my little self as if she's a separate entity but sometimes that's the best way to describe it. I've heard other littles describe themselves in this way so I know I'm not the only one. I wonder if puppies, sissies, ponies, kittens, and all others who are like us have a similar view of themselves. I wonder.

Feeling Needy

My little is feeling very needy these days. She wants to be hugged and snuggled. She wants to play and color. She wants to laugh with friends. She wants to get into trouble. She's screaming at me to let her out. She made me buy her crayons at the gas station the other day. I need to find a way to quiet her. I suppose I could find a way to let her out instead but there aren't too many opportunities to do that now.

Why is she being so loud? It could be because I have no outlet for her. It could be because she knows that all of her little things are packed away. It could be because I've been talking a lot with my little friends and she wants to play with them. It could be because I felt some strong little feelings when Tom was here and she wants more.

I can't wait to move to Albany. I can't wait to have my own space again and all of my things back. I can't wait to snuggle with Tom again and go to the littles invasion and the ageplay munch. I can't wait to go to camp. Soooo many things to look forward to. It's ok, little girl, you can come back soon!

Appreciating Days Off

You really learn to appreciate your days off a lot more when work is crazy. I have enjoyed today so much. I had lunch with my best friend and then went shopping with her. I bought some new running shoes because my old ones had holes in them. I also got some new dress pants to go to interviews in because my old ones were 2 sizes too big. Now I'm watching the new Alice in Wonderland movie with my sis while eating Cheetos. I snuggled with my cats for a while and cleaned up my room. What a great day.

Work

I mentioned in my last post that I like when work is busy. I found out today that there is a limit to how much busy I can take before losing it. I have been running around like crazy today. I have an unmanageable amount of work to do. There is no way that I can succeed and I hate that. I was chastised today because my employees missed a couple of offices last week but I already had to work overtime just to get the important stuff done. My boss has told me in the past that the offices are on the bottom of the list of things to do so that's where they ended up...on the bottom of the list. How does he expect me to get everything done? It's not possible. Grrrr....

Edit: I recently offered a few suggestions to the leadership group on how to create a stronger sense of community amongst our staff. I just learned that these suggestions went over very well. They were impressed with my work. This made my boss very happy and very proud of me. *does happy dance* Everything is good in the work world again.

A Part of Something Bigger

It looks like I'm going to be taking over the Littles Invasion at The Society in Harford, CT. I'm very excited about this because I've been considering trying to start something of my own for a while now and now I have the chance. I'm excited to have the opportunity to be creative and to be part of something bigger. I'm also a bit nervous though. I'm afraid of messing up a good thing. I'm afraid of coming up with crappy theme and activity ideas. I'm sure it will all work out though. It always does.

I was talking to one of my AB friends the other day. She was telling me all about her weekend with this couple who I really like. I have to admit, I was a bit jealous. I want to be a part of her group. I love everyone in the group but I never have the chance to spend time with them because of location, time, or money. It makes me a bit sad. I think I'm going to put more effort into making and keeping friends.

Wrestling With The Babysitter

Tom came to visit me this weekend! There wasn't much to do in my old empty apartment since all of the moving and cleaning was done so we ended up getting ourselves into some trouble. Tom started teaching me about pressure points and different wrestling moves so we practiced those for a while. I enjoyed moving Tom around the room using what I learned. I wonder if he has any bruises left from the play because I certainly do.

At one point, I was playing with Tom's naughty bits and decided that some toothpaste added to the mix would be fun. The toothpaste ended up getting REALLY gummy and sticky. Playing with it triggered my little self. I told Tom that he was the babysitter who fell asleep. Hehehehehe. He kept telling me to put his naughty bits down so I would...but then I'd grab it again really quickly before he had a chance to run away. Peeling my hand off of it was like taking off a bandaid.....over and over and over again. *giggles uncontrollably* Watching his facial expressions and hearing the playful frustration in his voice was soooo much fun. I couldn't stop laughing. I think that's the deepest I've ever gone into littlespace with Tom. I want to go there more often. It was so amazing.

Tom ended up joining me in littlespace, which was also lots of fun. We sat really close to each other and I poked at his diaper....'cause I like diapers. I could see the both of us wearing diapers and just playing with each other on the floor like best friends. What an awesome feeling. Mmmm..... So warm and fuzzy. I can't wait to see him again.

Stuff

Well, the move is finally over. It was a little more stressful than it could have been because of time constraints but we made it. Moving so many times has made it easy to adjust but I find that I'm not making myself at home quite as easily as usual. I'm ready to go to Albany. This is just a temporary situation and I know it.

Last week, I had a pre-interview phone interview for a position at RPI. I'm now waiting for a call to schedule the real thing. This could take up to 3 weeks though. The wait is making me crazy! I'm very excited about the possibility of working at RPI because one of the benefits is free college. I feel like I already got the job. This could be a good thing because it will give me the confidence that I need for the interview but I could also end up being terribly disappointed. Keep your fingers crossed that I get the position.

I was looking at my Fitness Assistant program the other day and noticed that I was 30lbs heavier in May of last year. I want to lose another 30lbs by this coming May which is only 10lbs a month. Doable. I'd even be happy to lose 20 lbs. The crazy thing about losing weight is that it's easy for me as long as I watch what I eat. You'd think that I'd just stick to it and get it all over with but I like food too much. I have 50lbs to lose to be at my goal weight. I've never seen my adult body at a normal weight so I'm anxious to meet the real me. I can do it if I really want to. I just have to stick with it.

Work is going well. I was recognized by my boss in front of my staff for my hard work. That felt really good. It's pretty busy right now because we have so many leads and supervisors out but I find that the pressure makes me work harder. I feel more satisfied at the end of the day. I really enjoy staying busy.

All in all, life is good and things are going well. Yay!