Honest Thoughts

I'm writing here to dispel my emotions. That means no logic, just feeling. Logically, I know that everything will be fine in the end but emotionally, I'm hurting. I know that I'll feel better soon but, right now, I just want to throw a little kid temper tantrum.

My OTHER sister just got engaged today. That's both of them now. Meanwhile, I'm moving away from the person who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I'm happy for my sisters, I really am, but I also feel jealous and angry.

My everything is packed......and I do mean EVERYTHING. The walls are bare and boxes litter the basement. I don't want to move. I'll be stuck in "dating" mode with Tom forever. It sucks. I know what we'll still have fun but I love him and I want him to myself right now. I knew that I would have to share him when I got involved with him but I DIDN'T know that I would be led to believe that I could build a future with him, and then told otherwise a year into those plans. I'm apparently still angry about that. 

I don't want my daddy to go away! He's MY daddy. *tears* It's not fair and I'm scared. Who's going to kiss me ni ni? Who's going to tickle me and make me laugh? Who's going to play with me? My little is throwing the biggest temper tantrum ever. She's angry and scared and lonely. This is the second time that she has had to basically say good bye to a daddy. Will she ever learn to trust someone again?

On top of that, I told Tom something tonight about my poly concerns and now things are weird. I can't decide if I regret it now or not. Should I have kept those thoughts to myself? Or maybe just shared them at a different time? We both wish that we had someone to talk to about these things....someone who knew us well, wasn't biased, and who wasn't a partner. Unfortunately, there are some things that we just have to deal with on our own. We'll learn through trial and error, I guess.

A Mutual Gift

Daddy and I shared this experience tonight. I thought it would be fun to try and write it like erotica. I think I need some practice. Still, it's a lot sexier than the "and then, and then, and then" style of writing that I usually do.

"I think we should put you in the grey sweatshirt, little girl," Daddy said.

"Noooo....not the grey sweatshirt," I groaned. I complain but it's all in jest. The grey sweatshirt is a bondage sweatshirt. The sleeves are sewn into the front pocket so that you can't move. It's great for public bondage because, to onlookers, it simply looks like you have your hands in your pockets.

"Put your arms across your chest," Daddy instructed. I rolled my eyes and held my arms tight to my chest while Daddy pulled the sweatshirt over my head. I struggled a bit as he helped me slide my arms through the sleeves and into the front pocket. I frowned at Daddy who grinned in return and tickled me, bringing a smile to my face. 

Daddy had me sit in the living room while he went potty and made a drink. During the time that he was gone, I snuck my arms out of the sleeves and started playing with my phone. 

"Little girl," Daddy said, shooting me a disapproving look as he walked into the room. He quickly strode over to me and helped me get my hands back into position, then tightened a few velcro strips around my wrists so that I couldn't move. I whined as he took hold of my arm, thinking he was going to spank me. Instead, he turned me around, sat me between his legs, and pulled me back to snuggle with him on the couch.

It wasn't too long until Daddy had my pants loosened and his fingers dancing across my clitty under the blanket. He was so gentle, his fingers flicking lightly back and forth. Slowly, the heat and arousal began to build in my groin. I felt the juices start to trickle between my pouting lips. Daddy reached down, scooped up the slippery wetness, and moved back to my clit, increasing his speed. I moaned and moved my hips up and down in time with him. 

Without warning, Tom's wife walked into the room, stopping to watch what was playing on the TV. I lightly jabbed Daddy in the arm with my thumb, trying to send a silent message that I was uncomfortable. Daddy, noticing this, slowed his stroking but continued to idly play with my bud. I blushed and tried to remain stoic. J stayed for what seemed like forever. FINALLY, she moved on and I sighed with relief. Daddy picked up the speed again, grabbing a fistful of hair or wrapping an arm tightly around my neck every now and then.

The heat continued to rise as I grew more and more hungry for orgasm. I turned and whispered quietly into Daddy's ear, "Faster." Daddy picked up the pace. I focused on nothing more than what I was feeling. And then, finally, sweet release. I tensed, wave after wave of pleasure crashing over me. I writhed and flailed, doing everything I could to remain silent so that Tom's wife wouldn't hear me from the other room. Eventually the sensation was unbearable and I begged Daddy to stop. I relaxed in his arms, breathless and spent. Daddy hugged me tightly. "Thank you," he whispered in my ear.

Nobody has EVER been able to bring me to orgasm without using a toy. Our mutual patience with each other was a gift to the both of us. I felt so close to him, so connected. It was wonderful. "Indian food, a little scotch, a bad movie, and masturbation.....what a great end to Christmas." Daddy said something along these lines. I wish I could remember the exact quote because it was great! A very merry Christmas this was indeed. :-)

A Richer Life

Things are going pretty well for me these days. Money is tight but I know that this will change soon. Trying to  figure out if I should save every penny or spend some money on visiting with people and going to events. I know that I get pretty depressed when I'm feeling lonely and being depressed is not going to help me reach my goals. There are two plans that I'm toying with. One of them is not going to ANY events, putting everything I have towards debt, and saving a little money for an end of the year Disney Trip. If I go with this plan, I'll probably do a few more Littles Invasions throughout the year, which are almost free, so that I can still see people. The other plan is to choose a few events to go to and budget for those. Leaning towards the first plan right now.

For a while, I was thinking that I needed to see a therapist. Now, I'm thinking that I'd benefit more from finding ways to deal with my anxiety. I think I'm pretty healthy otherwise. I just stress out about things unnecessarily. I wonder if I can find the tools that I need to do this on my own or if I'll need to talk to someone about it. Also not sure if I can fix it by just working on my head or if I'll need a medication to help.

I've been tossing around the idea of seeing a trainer to help me lose weight but I don't think I need that either.  I found a mostly free weekly support group that I can attend and I already have a lot of knowledge about food and exercise. I feel confident that I can do it on my own. I just need to find a good routine. I think I'll also need to learn a bit more about weight training. I'm still hoping that I will be able to run a marathon. Maybe I'll make the Disney marathon a goal again.

I want to live a richer life....richer in experiences, richer in health, richer in finances, richer in everything. I think that I'm well on my way to doing that. I feel really good about all of this. I think this is it!

Dizzying Days Ahead

I turn 26 (or as I like to think of it, 2.6) at 12:22am....32 minutes from now. Yay! I feel excited for some reason. Maybe it's because I made it through the "End of Civilization".....or maybe it's just because I'm a big kid and get excited at all sorts of random happy things like birthdays! *shrugs* Anyway, Daddy and I bought a cake together. He let me pick out ANY cake that I wanted so I got the lemon one, 'cause that's my favorite. We also got a chocolate one to share with everyone tomorrow. I feel weird about this birthday because I'm over the hump; closer to adulthood (which is 30 and above) than I am to childhood (which is 20 and below). :-)

I've got quite a busy week ahead of me. Tomorrow, I'm going to meet Tom's family for the first time. I'm a bit nervous because Tom only came out to them as poly this year. Hopefully things go well and won't be awkward. I'm going to be leaving there to visit with Andrea. On Sunday, we're heading to her mom's house for a Christmas celebration, also a first for me. On Christmas Eve, I'll head back home to celebrate Christmas with Tom. We're going to make Indian food and hopefully watch a Christmas movie or two. Then I pack ALL THE THINGS! I've got 3 days to do that. Eeep! Next Saturday, Tom and I will be celebrating the holidays with our Albany gang of friends and then heading up to my Mom's place in VT to celebrate ANOTHER Christmas with them. Then we're back home for a New Year's Party with the Albany crew and then I move. That's 6 parties in 3 or 4 states, depending on how you look at it.  Then, as soon as I get to VT, I have a work screening, appointments to go to, and work to begin. It's dizzying. I can't wait to settle in to a routine.

Today was pretty awesome. I'm starting to get the hang of a new project that they gave me to do for my work at home stuff, which is good. Makes the time go by quicker. I had a wonderful long chat with Mako over Skype. We folded laundry together and talked about psychology, work, podcasts, family, and the ageplay community as a whole. I wish I knew everyone in that gang a bit better and I wish I could spend more time with them. They're such a great group of people. I finished off the day by building a gingerbread house and sipping hot chocolate. Yum!

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time daydreaming about an ideal life. I would own a large-ish home with several bedrooms, one for each of my poly family members. I would have a finished basement or attic converted into a beautiful nursery with everything an ageplayer could dream of. It would be a place where all my friends could come to be themselves. I would have parties all the time and basically an open door policy. My house would be filled with laughter and smiles and warmth. It would be so amazing. I would be like a momma bear, serving dinners and cleaning up after everyone, maybe even changing diders. Now....what kind of career do I need to have this sort of a dream come true?

I added a link to my kinky/ageplay Amazon wishlist on my blog and on my Fetlife account. I know some people frown on this sort of a thing but I'm not asking for anything, I'm just putting it out there. I know that it would make some people's lives easier and it has the potential to help me build a dream space sooner rather than later for all of my fellow ageplayers to come visit. I AM putting a call out to anyone who might be willing to build a rocking horse and/or crib for me at some point. I'd love to talk about a design and get a quote.

P.S. Someone left 2 comments today on previous posts that I accidentally deleted before even getting a chance to read them. I'd love for you to comment again so that I can see what you said and press PUBLISH instead of DELETE. Ooopsie!

Diders and Bottles

I've been sick a lot lately with allergies. Story of my life really. Last night, I was feeling SUPER sick so Daddy took me down to my bedroom and diapered me up. He used powder and everything! I felt so little as I snuggled with my Maggie bear while he pulled the tapes tight. Then we cuddled together on the bed to read a story. I ended up falling asleep in his arms, which doesn't happen too often. I love moments like these. They make my heart melt.

This morning, when I woke up, I sat on Daddy's face with my dider on....'cause he likes that....and I like watching him cum. I smothered him so he couldn't breath and told him that I was going to pee on him, which he nodded to excitedly. *giggles* When we were done with that, he pointed out that my diaper wasn't very wet. I mentioned that I was probably dehydrated. His response was to help me fill it up by pulling the back of my dider open and peeing inside. *blushes*

Just before going to the Invasion, Daddy and I stopped at the local Tractor Supply store to buy a calf nursing bottle. The thing is HUGE. It holds something like 2 quarts. Daddy told me last night that he actually bought it for ME. *happy dances* It's a lot of fun to drink from. The size of it is a bit ridiculous but I have to admit that it does make me feel small.....and I'm not such a sponge when I drink from this thing. It's a good thing I was wearing a Bellissimo the other night. Boy can those things hold a lot. :-)

I've been wanting to be little a lot lately but I just can't seem to get there (except for last night) despite all of the ageplay related things that I've been doing. I think it's because there's too much going on in my life right now. In the next 2 weeks, I have to travel to 4 different states for 4 parties, 2 holidays, my birthday, a work screening for my new job, work from home stuff, packing ALL the things, a move....and the end of the world. That's a lot to do! I hope that I'll have the opportunity to really sink deep into little space again sometime soon. I miss going there.

Vermont Ageplay Munch?

I'm thinking of starting up an ageplay munch in Vermont. I wonder how many ageplayers there are in VT and if they'd be interested in going to a munch. Not sure if it's worth it since I might only be living there for a year or two. If I did start up a munch, it would have to be on a strange schedule to fit around work. I think I would do it at Zacharys Pizza, Denny's, or Ponderosa since they are relatively cheap and have good seating. It would be a bit risky since I know A LOT of people in the area but I'm willing to take that risk. Hmmmm.....

15 Stone Babies

15 Stone Babies is a show that recently aired on Channel 4 in the UK. LittleMeow, someone who I admire and consider a friend, was on the show with her boyfriend PouncerOfLittles. I enjoyed watching the show and thought that it was one of the best shows out there, if not THE best, on the topic of ageplay. In my opinion, they did a great job portraying us. I appreciate what they've done for the community and I'm sending out a big thank you to them. It takes a lot of bravery to appear on public television to talk about something as personal as this. Because of the show, people might realize for the first time that they aren't alone. Others might finally build up the courage to tell their partners about it or to step out into the community to find friends. It's really a wonderful thing.

Unfortunately, people are being quite judgmental of the couple. Nobody realizes how much editing goes into shows like this. The producers can make any statement they want by dismissing comments that were made during the interviews and condensing others. I wish that the producers hadn't focused so much on the minor disagreements between LittleMeow and PouncerOfLittles. They made it sound like being poly was a problem and that PouncerOfLittles was domineering. This wasn't very fair or true, from what I understand. I also don't like that they named the show 15 Stone Babies. Apparently it was supposed to be called something different. Sadly, ratings are all that really matter to a producer in the end.

On the positive side of things, I love that so many of the participants commented on the fact that ageplay is often about connections and about feeling safe and loved. I think this is something that a lot of vanilla folks can connect with. Derrick was an especially enjoyable character and I think that people will take his words into consideration because they can relate to him. I also love the fact that there were quite a few littles portrayed in the show. It suggests that there are many of us out there. The more people involved in an activity, the less strange it seems. Yay! And of course I thought LittleMeow did a great job too. She showed her super cute little side as well as her super grown up big side.

Overall, I thought that it was a great show. I hope that all involved realize that no matter what, there will always be someone who is unhappy so they shouldn't pay any mind to the negative comments that they receive. They should be proud of what they've done. They did more for the community than they might realize. There might be a lot of hype now but, over time, things will die down and life will return to normal. Thank you to everyone who participated. Your bravery is commendable.

Two Dreams

Last night, I was feeling SUPER little so I put my hair in pigtails, put on a Bellissimo and my footies, and settled down to watch some Disney shorts. Being little makes me feel so calm and happy and so does spending time with other littles. I was considering hosting another party sometime within the next couple of months with fun-to-eat-food and movies and coloring and games and things of that nature. It would basically be a Littles Invasion at my house except better. I was also thinking of trying to organize a long weekend or week long summer get together. I'd love to do stuff outside but I'm not sure how to do it in a cheap and private way. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to afford Camp Crucible OR the Fetish Flea so I was thinking that this would make a good alternative.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. My family often tries to convince me to give up being poly, kinky, and little. They're accepting of it but they also believe that it's the cause of most of my difficulties in life. I had to explain to my mother that these interests of mine have actually been a blessing in my life and that they've benefited me in many ways. It's what makes me the happiest right now, spending time with these people. She said that she hasn't seen the ways in which they've helped me because I don't talk about it much anymore. I told her that this was because everyone always responds so negatively towards it. She said that she's interested in learning how I've changed and how this community has helped me, so that's good.

I'm trying to live an authentic life, which means being true to my own beliefs, desires, needs, talents, integrity, and personal destiny. This weekend, I'm feeling conflicted about what destiny to be working toward. A HUGE part of me wants a family with children and maybe homeschooling and things like that. I think I'd be a great mother and I'm interested in meeting my children. The problem is, there's also a HUGE part of me that wants to buy a house and create a safe space for other littles to come and spend time.  I'd love to have a large adult nursery to host parties in and help create happy memories. Unfortunately, I don't see how both of these things can happen together. This weekend, since I spent so much time at the Invasion with other Littles, I'm leaning towards the nursery dream but my feelings often sway back and forth on the matter. 

I've decided that instead of worrying about these sorts of things now, I'm going to wait on it and see where life takes me. It's not like I would be making any steps in any direction until at least a year from now anyway. Right now, I'm focusing on my health and financial status. I've noticed a pattern in my life. I change plans on a whim and I change them often.  I think it's time for me to just sit and stay quiet for a while.....really listen to myself and feel out the right path.

The Littles Invasion

This weekend was the holiday Littles Invasion. It was so much fun! We had Santa drop by to hand out the yankee gift swap presents. He was super sweet and read the kinky version of Twas the Night Before Christmas for us. Thank you Hesperus! Then we had a capture the flag Nerf gun war....hats vs no hats. The great part was, we got to do it in the poorly lit storage units behind The Society. It was kind of like laser tag with people sneaking around corners and running down hallways. It was awesome! I wish we had been able to play freeze tag or something in there. Maybe next time. We also watched The Muppets Christmas Carol as a group, all snuggled up next to each other on the couches and floor.

Footie jammies were the outfit of choice for many this Littles Invasion. Everyone looked so snuggly in them. Thanks to xbbx, we spent the entire weekend singing Chimpanzee Riding On a Segway. That song is SUPER catchy! We formed a human choo choo train while travelling around the space and had a mini rave in front of the black light. I wrestled with BlackThunda for a while, which we've been talking about doing FOREVER. That was fun! And we had a little sleepover snuggle party in the corner to end the night. 



I love this group of people. We share so many silly happy memories together. There's so much laughter and joy and so many snuggles. One of the things that I love the most about littles is that they snuggle! I love snuggling. I used to have a lot of trouble touching people but not anymore and I'm really thankful for that. I hug everyone and I encourage snuggling. I love that we can be close to each other without the pressure of being sexual. They say that touch is healthy and healing. I think we should do it more often.

This Invasion is especially great because I got to celebrate my birthday. Frankie got me a purple and black fedora. I absolutely LOVE fedoras! And now I can say that I have one of my own. Yes! He also got me a GIANT package of Bellissimos diapers, which are the best diapers ever!!! Andrea and Brett somehow managed to find a tie dye purple and pink cake. I wish I had taken a picture! It had Tinkerbell characters on top and sparkly writing. Andrea got me all kinds of presents....shirts and fuzzy socks and Minnie Mouse plates and a bracelet and all sorts of other things! The best part was the lovely card that she gave me. It was amazing. I felt so loved and special. Thank you all soooo much!

You Should Consider Therapy

I've been fighting off the thought that I could benefit from speaking to a therapist for so long. "They won't understand" was one excuse. "They can't help me," another. Those were just deflecting comments to hide what was really going on though. I realized that I was afraid. If I admitted that I needed a therapist, people might think that I'm crazy or broken. People wouldn't trust me any more. It would mean that I'm weak. But it's not like that. 

I'm starting to understand that seeing a therapist is like fine tuning. It's turning that pretty stone into a dazzling diamond. Everyone can use a little tweaking from time to time, a little buffing up. Everyone has the ability to shine a little brighter. I realized recently that I've done a HELL of a lot of work on my own, which I'm very proud of, but I'm at a point in my growth and healing where I could benefit from talking to someone. I've seen therapists help so many other people in my life. What could they do for me?

Kiata over on Fetlife wrote this and I thought it was awesome so I wanted to keep it here where I wouldn't lose it.....

No, seriously.

While I think society as a whole has gotten better educated and less judgemental regarding mental health issues, there is still a stigma attached to seeking professional help.

"Er, nothing wrong with that," was my new primary care physician's reaction to me mentioning I was seeing a psychologist, said in a tone that conveyed he believed quite the opposite. And often times, you hear people tell someone else, "You need therapy," with the clear subtext of their words being "because you're batshit crazy."

My perspective? We all have our issues and traumas. You might benefit from hearing a professional viewpoint and finding an objective, caring listener. There's no shame in seeking help. Successful therapy requires hard work, and it is not a miracle cure for all that ails you, but it can really, really help. It helped me.

I don't want to get too far into my personal issues, but far from being a "punishment," therapy for me has been a safe, sacred place. I can cry as much as I want and say all the selfish, socially unacceptable things that might damage my personal relationships if I said them to the people involved. I've healed from so much trauma and learned so much about communication and how to do it effectively. And I've learned to be kind and understanding with myself, which has helped me be more kind and understanding with other people. So, if I suggest, "You should consider therapy," it's because I want all of those good things for you, too.

Again, not a miracle cure. And I understand that it's not for everybody. So your mileage may vary. But, if you have decided to give therapy a try, there's a few things you should know.

There are different schools of therapy. For the record, the whole Freudian, lying on the couch free association type of therapy is so last century. Hardly anyone does this anymore, although there is a modern version known as the psychodynamic approach. Other popular schools of psychology include CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy - not ballbusting), Gestalt therapy, humanistic-existential approach, and family systems model. It pays to do some research and figure out which one might work best for you.

Find a therapist you like and respect. Honestly I think this is more important than what school of thought they ascribe to. The relationship you have with him or her really matters. There are quacks and idiots in every profession, and this can be particularly damaging when you're entrusting someone with your psychological vulnerabilities. It's ok to ask a potential therapist questions. In fact, you should. It's ok to decide it's not working out and try someone new instead.Caveat: That last part can be tricky, because it's sometimes easier to blame the therapist than admit you're feeling scared or vulnerable and therefore want to run. Be honest with yourself about what's going on.

There are lots of kink-friendly therapists out there. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a list of them here. Many therapists who aren't on that list are still open-minded and empathetic to WIITWD. I would not waste my time with anyone who is not.

Be aware that it might get worse before it gets better. However poor your current psychological defenses may be, they're still defenses. Strip those away and you're going to be vulnerable and all the stuff you haven't dealt with will come flooding in. It's a lot easier to get through the initial rough period if you expect it, and know that it will get better if you keep at it.

My final thought, before I climb off my soapbox and go to bed, is that success at "becoming better" isn't always linear. We like to think we're climbing a mountain, with nowhere to go but up, but in my experience that's not so. We're human and fallible and always will be. We stumble, we backslide, we lose our way. If we're smart we keep trying anyway. Effort counts. I used to tell myself, over and over again, a quote from one of my favorite books, If Rock and Roll Were a Machine, by Terry Davis. Everything changes...If I changed once for the worse, I can change again for the better. I can be somebody different from who I am now.

I wish you well.

Anxious Thoughts

I'm really good at being silly sometimes. I spent a good chunk of the day being anxiety ridden and crazy. I worked myself up into a frenzy going over and over the same things trying to decide if they were problems that I needed to fix or not. By the end of the night, I was exhausted and grumpy and more confused than ever. To make myself feel better, I got my footie jammies on and my monster hat and went to sit on the floor in Daddy's office. Being near him was comforting. Then Daddy, being the awesomeness that he is, suggested that we go for a walk, even though it was almost midnight. He made me put pants on over my footie jammies and we headed out to look at all the Christmas lights. I love Christmas lights! I told him about everything that was going on in my head and somehow, in a matter of minutes, chalked it all up to being anxious. This is such a problem for me. I think most of my issues come from being stressed out.

I was trying to decide if I was showing a lack of self respect by posting so much about my personal life. Then I was trying to decide if I post so much because I'm looking for validation and acceptance from others. Finally, I was trying to decide if ageplay and BDSM were coping mechanisms. At the end of it all, I decided that I have actually benefited quite a bit from being a part of this community. I've learned how to be vulnerable and how to make friends and build deep meaningful relationships with people. I've helped other people by sharing my own experiences and I've learned a lot about who I am. This isn't a negative thing.

I also decided that things are very noisy and distracting in my kinky world. I let everyone in, no matter what, and I try to please everyone, which isn't healthy. In the end, I end up hurting people and myself by spreading myself too thin and giving in to people who don't deserve my time or energy. I think I need to dial it down a bit. I've been considering starting up a second profile for people who I consider true friends so that I can follow the people that -I- want to follow.

Things are going to change this year. I'm looking forward to seeing how everything works out. I feel like my life is going to be richer for it.

We've Got To Break Up (Song)

Sad face. Still struggling....

.....but Tom, we CAN survive.

Muchy Munch and a Punishment

Daddy and I had our Ageplay munch last night. It went really well. LilPolarBear came as well as one other ageplayer. There was a lot of interesting discussion about being yourself and how to deal with family as well as some silliness with the soda bottles. LilPolarBear and I decided that we could hear the ocean in the bottles but they didn't make very good binoculars. *giggles* I wish more people would come because we always have a great time. We've probably met about 50 people from the area through this munch. Can you imagine how great it would be if all 50 of those people showed up at once? It would be amazing!

This morning, Daddy and I had some really nice sexy time. It felt so romantic and close and sensual and sexy. I really enjoyed it. It's exactly what I needed. At the end, Daddy flipped me onto my knees and said that he knew about me touching my cuddleslut inappropriately. *pout* And then he spanked me. *poutypout* I told him that I wouldn't touch people like that anymore. I'd only touch Daddy like that from now on. I guess I'll just have to make SUPER sure that my cuddleslut doesn't tell.

My Cuddleslut and Moving

I played with my cuddleslut again the other night. Originally, I was planning on having some romantic vanilla type sex with the Tomhead. I set up candles and sprayed a sensual pillow mist on the bed, but things didn't quite go that way, which is more than fine. Instead, I twisted and tugged on my cuddleslut's nipples, played with his boy bits, and then got the idea of using the candles on him too. That was fun. I haven't done wax play on him in a long time. Then he whispered to me that he told on me, that he told Daddy what I did to him. My little brain got scared and then angry. I told him not to tell! Now I'M going to get in trouble. I had to punish him.....so I spanked him and made him promise to keep everything a secret from now on.

This idea is forming into quite the fantasy. I imagined Daddy confronting me about it and punishing me for it. I imagined him telling me that if I could do adult things to other people, he could start treating me more like an adult too. In my fantasy, he would start stretching me out with toys or using me more and using me harder. I incorporated things from this story into my fantasy. It's super hot, albeit taboo!

In other news, the move is officially happening on January 2nd. I was offered my old job back at the hospital with a dollar raise, which is pretty awesome. I'm planning on spending the next year working on myself....getting my finances in order, my health in order, my weight in check, and my head in a good place. I have good feelings about the coming year. I'm still dating Tom, of course. We'll visit each other like we did before. I'm looking forward to doing the things that we used to enjoy together like rollerblading one the bike path, swimming in the lake, hiking, and tubing. I'm trying to stay positive about it all.

I've been wearing diders a lot since I'm working from home now. It's comforting amidst all of this emotional turmoil. Brings me back to a simpler, easier, happier time. I'm starting to run out of them though, which is kinda sad. Because I've been using them so often, I almost peed my pants today! Sometimes I forget that I have to hold it in when I wear them a lot. I'm hoping that I'll still find ways to be little when I move. I'm sure I will. It's a part of who I am, not something that I can deny.

Baby Crazy, ACA, and Budget

Sooooo.....I have to admit that I'm feeling baby crazy again. I go through periods of this every now and then. I know that it's probably hormones but it doesn't make it any better. I want to be a mother RIGHT NOW. I keep seeing pictures on Facebook of my cousins and past schoolmates having kids and all I can think is "I wish that were me." Then there's Pinterest with all of those cute ideas of what to do with kids and articles in magazines about how to deal with temper tantrums and how to raise healthy children. I know that it will happen eventually and I'm actually pretty ok with the fact that I'm not a mother right now. I'm not quite ready yet. I do hope that it happens within the next 2 to 4 years though.

I started reading the Adult Children of Alcoholics book this morning. I don't really like the voice of the author so far but I get what he's trying to say. Sometimes he sounds very religious or cult-ish in a way but I know that's not what he's going for. He mentions being proud to be an "adult child," the term used to identify someone who grew up in a dysfunctional or alcoholic family. I know that he means people take pride in the fact that they survived and overcame these challenges and that they feel a sense of community with others who come from the same background but I don't like that it feels like a club. Anyway, I'm hoping that this book will help teach me how to recognize thought patterns and change them. I hope that it doesn't teach me how to use my past as a crutch or excuse. That's certainly not what I'm after.

I've been struggling with my budget lately (big surprise) but I think I figured out a clever way to fix my problem. I'm going to leave my things here in Albany in my room and only bring up the things that I need. I can strap the mattress to the top of Tom or J's car, throw a rack on the back for my bike, and fill both of our cars up with the rest of the stuff. I'll put my futon in the basement to keep it safe from Tom's cats and it will be a good place for Tom and I to sleep when I come to visit. I'll come back for the other stuff later when I have a bit more money. I had Tom look at my budget for the rest of the year and he gave me a nod and a "you go girl," which felt fantastic.

Sinking In

I'm having a really hard time figuring out how I'm going to pay for things this month. The move is going to cost a lot of money, not to mention the speeding ticket and Christmas shopping that I still have to take care of, and I still have to pay all of my other bills too. I'm sure I'll figure it out. I always do. It's just stressful. I think I have to change up my budget for the next year as well. Right now, I have all of my extra money going towards debt, which doesn't leave any room for doctor's visits, dealing with car problems, travel money, and things of that nature. Not sure how much to put aside for that. I think I'll have to get some advice from Tom. I'm considering getting a second part time job to help pay for things but I want to make sure that I leave enough time in my week for going to the gym, doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, travel, and down time.

The fact that I'm moving is just settling in now. I've been so distracted by planning and visions of the future that I haven't considered what it means for right now. I know this is silly but I'm afraid that people will forget about me in VT. It feels so far away from everything. I'm also afraid that I won't have enough money or time off to visit people. The good thing is, these negative thoughts are balanced out with positive ones. I'm excited about going to the beach with Tom when he visits, and rollerblading, hiking, and rock climbing too, just like we used to do. I'm excited about getting all of my medical things taken care of and some of my debt taken care of. I'm excited about getting to know Andrea and Frankie better and what might happen AFTER this year is over.

I keep thinking about my future family and it makes me a bit weepy. I feel like it's finally within reach. It's the first time that I've been able to talk about it with someone without having roadblocks thrown up immediately. I feel like working from home has given me a taste of what it might be like to be a mother. I've been doing things around the house like laundry, cleaning, and cooking. I've also been snuggling with my kitties, which sometimes feels like snuggling with children. I'll be rubbing the belly of the little one so that he won't fight with the older one. Seems similar to bottle feeding a little one while snuggling with an older one. I'll tell ya, keeping Calvin out of trouble is an all day challenge! Hehe. I love it. I feel like I'm meant to be a mom. It feels so right. Makes me wonder how serious Andrea was when she asked me to be a housewife. I think that would be a dream come true for me.



I love this picture. They all look so happy!

I ended up setting up a "board of dreams." I printed out pictures of all the things that I'd like to accomplish over the next couple of years and pinned them to my bulletin board. I kinda sorta believe in the idea that the universe will guide you and provide you with all that you need. If you put energy towards the things you want and need in life, you'll be more likely to get them. It can't hurt to try and it makes me happy to look at the board. Keeps me motivated. Keeps me feeling strong. Reminds me that my dreams are attainable.

I found an Adult Children of Alcoholics group that meets on Tuesday evenings in Burlington. I'll probably be able to do that every other Tuesday with the way my schedule works. I'm considering asking Amber if she wants to go rock climbing every other Thursday with me. I think I'm going to need to set up a schedule in order to get everything done. I wish I didn't have to wait to get started on everything. I kinda just want to get the move over with. I've decided to get started on the things that I can....like weight loss and money management. Yay!

My Cuddle Slave, News, and Butt Stuff

Tom and I talked about the fact that I don't really enjoy topping him. It's not who I am and I have to disconnect from him in order to do it. Then I end up resenting him afterwards, which is kind of a horrible feeling. We ended up figuring out a way for it to work though. He suggested that I top him while I'm little, so I tried it. He turned into my cuddle slave for the evening, a gift from Daddy to play with.

I'll admit, my thoughts are pretty taboo here. You can't say I never warned you. I ended up doing the same things to my cuddle slave as my daddy would do to me....you know, telling him to keep it a secret, perhaps threatening him a little to scare him into keeping a secret, being mean to him, telling him to be quiet or someone would hear, and doing fun sexy things that Daddy taught me to do to him. It was super hot and a lot of fun. I think it's still going to take some work to get into that headspace but it's doable. The funny thing is, I seem to be more mean when I'm little. Poor Tom.

The other day, Onii took me from behind in my secret spot. I absolutely LOVE that, which I'm embarrassed to admit. I think it's super hot and, even when it hurts, feels fantastic. I was left all sorts of horny and unsatisfied so when I got home from visiting him, I played with myself A LOT. It got harder and harder to cum each time because I was using my buzzy toy but the orgasms grew in intensity, which I though was interesting. When I told Tom about liking things in my secret spot, he took that idea and ran with it. He ended up treating me like a patient last night and put a plug in me, "for medical reasons." I found that if he lightly spanked my bottom with the plug in, I could almost cum. I was super surprised.

In other news.....I'm moving back to Vermont. Things just didn't work out between Tom's wife and I. It's really sad but I'm glad we figured this out before buying a house together. The move in date is set for December 30th and I start back at my old job on January 7th. It's going to be tough but I have big plans for the coming year. I really want to get my life in order so that I can sorta settle down and start a family.

Lastly, and most exciting, Andrea and I are officially girlfriends. Squeeee!!! *happy dance* I love her so much. We are alike in so many ways and I'm learning a lot from her. We've talked a lot about our future and what it might look like and I'm super excited about it!

Life is Funny

I had a fantastic day yesterday, despite getting an irritating message from J. I'm really feeling great about things. I think I really thrive on stability and having a plan. I spent time looking for apartments, which was a bit disappointing since I didn't find much that I could afford, but then I thought more about how life would be living with my mom and I think it could work. I'd be a bit embarrassed to be back with mom again at the age of 26 but if I could stay with her for a year, I'd be able to pay off a bit more than half of my debt. I can do that. Now I just have to see if SHE'd be ok with that.

I think part of the reason why I'm feeling so good is that I've started building some great habits. I found a "chore" app for my phone, which is helping me remember everything that I want to do on a daily basis. The funny thing is, sometimes I don't feel like doing the "chore" but my OCDness won't allow me to leave the box unchecked so I have to do it. Each of the chores only takes a couple of minutes and I always feel better after doing it anyway so it's great. It's the motivation I needed. 

I've added things to the chore list that will increase my happiness, which is also working out well. One example is making my bed. They say that it helps. I always make my bed but only haphazardly. I've started REALLY making my bed now, with folded down sheets underneath the comforter, my blanket folded at the end of the bed, and pillows in their place. It's great! I've also started writing in a "happy journal" right before bed. I only write about positive things that happened during the day...a short little snippet. I've found that I've been sleeping WAY better during the night. I'm guessing that it's because this little trick helps me relax and go to sleep thinking about happy things.

Another reason why I'm feeling so good is that I didn't have anything to complain about at the end of the day. I quit my job at the grooming shop and starting working at home as a freelancer for a local college. Work is going really well now. I didn't spend my whole day focusing on the bad behavior of a boss. Instead, I spent the whole day snuggling with my cats and looking at the Christmas tree. I'm looking forward to getting my paycheck. I'm going to be receiving one next Friday, way earlier than what I expected. Yay! 

Tom and I went out to dinner last night, which was nice. I dressed up for it with heels, makeup, and jewelry. It felt really good. I feel like I'm finally growing up. It's taken long enough. Jeez! When we got home, Tom and I snuggled on the couch and watched a couple of great shows together.

So the plan is to go to VT, maybe live with mom, and pay off as much debt as I can, which might mean getting a second job. I want to at least get rid of my car payment and maybe get my school loans taken care of as well. This way, I can take out another school loan if I want to and I won't be in trouble if my car dies. I also plan on getting all of my health issues taken care of if I can. That means fixing whatever cavities I have, getting my wisdom teeth pulled, getting some birth control, maybe finishing up my allergy shots, maybe get my bunions taken care of, and maybe talking to someone about getting on anti-anxiety meds.

Taking Charge

I've been thinking about how I handle the world a lot lately and how I can change the things that I don't like about myself.

I can sometimes be very impatient and quick to anger with people who are not nice and situations that don't make sense....like my boss, for example. Part of me thinks that she needs to be confronted and not allowed to act the way she does. Part of me thinks that, for the peace of everyone, I should just go on about my day and basically ignore her poor behavior. I was trying to fight her, trying to make her stop what she was doing, but I realized that she's not going to change so it's wasted effort. She makes me so angry. If I put some distance between her and I, and stop participating in the back and forth chit chat about what she's done, she won't have any ammo on me and I won't have any ammo on her. You can't have war without ammo, therefore, peace.

I know that I get very anxious about things and depressed about things that aren't going right and things that I can't control. I know that this is where my OCDness comes from. I realized though, that I may not be able to control what's going on but I CAN control my thoughts, feelings, and reactions to what's going on. Knowing is half the battle. I can practice stress relieving techniques to help calm my emotions. I can stop thinking about the things that cause me stress.

My mom started going to AA meetings a while back and she shared some of what she learned with me. The biggest thing that I took away was H.A.L.T., which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. These are the times when you are most likely to drink....or eat, in my case. Before I eat anything, I should HALT and ask myself why I'm eating it.

I want to bring more control, more peace, and more happiness into my life. Pinterest has been great for this. I'm finding all kinds of ways to do that. One article that I read suggested calling someone every day to chit chat for a little while. Talking to people, even if I feel like I don't want to, will make me feel better. I'm a social person and I know that I struggle with keeping in touch with people. This would probably be great for me. The article also suggested writing something positive about your day in a book, every night before bed. I love this idea! Lastly, compliment people and pay things forward, which is something I do already but that I'd like to do more often.

I feel like things are coming together. I feel more stable. I have a plan. Working on making my life better is making me happy. I'm looking forward to seeing where life takes me next.

Stressed

Things are so stressful for me right now and I'm trying to make that stress go away. Part of how I do that is by writing about it, so here I am. I've mostly accepted the fact that I have to leave. I'm still sad about having to move away from Tom but I've worked through most of the stages of grief so I'm handling it a lot better now. What's got me stressed right now is the next step and my current situation.

My boss is being a jerk. She told everyone to book dogs for me last so my schedule is looking pretty empty. That means less money to pay bills with. This is difficult to think about when I know that I need funds in order to move. I need to buy a new phone and pay for a truck and all sorts of other things. I need to find another job soon or I'm doomed financially. Alright, not doomed, but in trouble.

I'm also stressed about the cats. The boys have figured out a way to pop the door open so they keep getting free during the day. I just had to split up a cat fight between Ender and Socks. Socks came out bleeding and I almost did after trying to check Ender for wounds. I can't afford another vet visit for Socks if he gets seriously injured like last time. I swear these fights are causing him to age more quickly too. I can't deal with that. He needs to stay young and vibrant forever.

I keep second guessing my decisions about moving. First I'm dead set on going to MA and then I'm dead set on going to VT. The problem is, I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. This makes me want to be alone, away from everyone and everything, so that I can figure that out. I know that I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. Part of me wants to leave the kinky world behind so that I can "grow up" but that feels lonely and being lonely isn't a good thing for me. Part of me wants to embrace the kinky life completely because it's where I've found so much of my happiness....but can I build a family while in the kinky life? I don't know. When Andrea and I talk, I do believe that it's possible...but what will I be giving up on and compromising on to have that? What might I be missing out on if I go to VT though? Bah!

Dressing The Part

I've been doing a few things differently lately. I've been spending more time "grooming" myself, which feels great. It feels like I have a little more self-respect when I do this. I'm worth this kind of care. I've also been wearing makeup, jewelry, and better clothing. I'm not doing a whole lot but the little improvements that I have made are making me feel great. I feel like getting things done and being more responsible when I'm dressed better and taking care of myself. I plan on doing more of this. My mom bought me a really nice, expensive purse as an early birthday gift and I absolutely love it. Kinda makes me crave more "adult" stuff....higher quality clothing and whatnot.

Shifting Plans

I'm getting older. I need to start focusing on my career, my health, and my goals and dreams for life. My nomadic days feel like they're coming to an end. I feel like I'm becoming more mature and responsible. If I go back to VT, I'd pretty much be guaranteed a job. That job would pay consistently and pay well. Good pay means getting rid of debt, building up savings, fixing my car, more travel, and so much more. There's a lot of potential to move up quickly considering the fact that they were about to hand me a promotion when I left a year and a half ago. I would have really great health insurance. That means a lot less stress for me. I could talk to someone about anti-anxiety meds and birth control. I could get my teeth fixed. Maybe I could get my feet fixed and take care of my allergies for good. This job would also allow me to go to school if I wanted. I've been considering respiratory therapy. They would even pay for some of it.

I'm worried about being lonely in VT but I'll still be visiting Tom and Andrea and Onii. I'll have my mom and sisters, Jeff, Connor, and Michele. If I go to MA, I'm worried that I'll end up settling on a job that doesn't pay well. I'm also worried about relationships exploding over jealousy and communication issues or just differences in opinion. I'm also not too keen on the idea of moving to Michigan in 2 years. I'm getting tired of changing everything all the time. I honestly hate MA, which is another thing. I love VT....a lot. Amber and I went to the OGE and I started to remember who I really was. I love the country. I love doing things in the outdoors. I love animals and mountains and trees. I'm not sure if this is the sort of life that I would live if I moved to MA.

It makes me sad to think that I might not be able to have a close wifey type relationship with Andrea. I feel very close to her and my heart fills with warmth and joy when I think about sharing a life with her. I need some time for myself though. I need to get healthy and stable. This isn't the end. Maybe it will happen in 2 years, once I feel like I can stand on my own 2 feet.

I'm scared but I also feel excited about the idea of taking control of my life and doing what I need to do.

Goal Oriented

I'm feeling really good today. It feels as if my depression has broken, almost like a fever. I've been struggling lately and I think I've figured out why. I was still focusing on my future with Tom and J and why it wasn't going to work. I guess I had all of my energy focused in one direction and when things changed, I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know what to focus on. If I don't have a goal, I'm lost. I knew that my next move was to go to MA but I couldn't SEE it. I didn't know what it was going to look like so it was hard to get excited about it. Last night, when Andrea and I were talking about our future together, she created a picture for me. I needed that picture so much.

It's the first time that my own desires for life have been mirrored completely. Children, cats, a puppy, a loving family, wifelyhood....it makes me so happy! I never considered having a woman as a partner so this is very different to me but I'm excited! I'm anxious to see how things work out.

Now that things are more clear, I feel like I can focus on other goals of mine. Working on weight loss and debt reduction doesn't seem like such a huge challenge anymore. I've been watching my weight creep up over the last month or two and it's time to nip that in the bud. I've been eating everything in sight to fill the emptiness in me. I feel like that spot has been filled again with hopes for the future. Time to start moving forward again.

Rawr!

I'm having a hard time dealing with life lately. J has decided that she doesn't want Tom and I having kids. That means that I have to find a new path to follow, a new life to live. She informed me recently that she expected me to find my own husband and start my own family but still date Tom on the side. I'm pretty angry that she didn't share these expectations with Tom or I at the beginning, when I was moving in. This is kind of important information for people to know.

The thing that I'm having the hardest time with right now is change, which is unusual for me. I'm angry that I have to start fresh again. I'm getting sick of starting over. It takes a lot of emotional energy to start over and I'm feeling spent. It's especially hard knowing that this isn't going to be that last time. If I go out to MA, I'm going to be moving to MI within the next 2 to 5 years. I just want a stable situation that I can build a life on. I can't make any progress when I'm moving all the time and starting new jobs all the time.

My sister just got engaged, which is great! I'm happy for her. It makes me feel a bit sad too though. I've spent the last 6 years, 3 with John and 3 with Tom, preparing to raise a family. That's a long time. I know I'm still young but the years are passing by quickly. People are starting families later and later in life these days but you can't deny the facts that the longer you wait, the higher the risk factors are for problems during pregnancy. I think I want a nice family in a stable home so badly because my family growing up was the complete opposite of that.

I have a lot of people who are trying to be supportive but I still feel pretty lonely. Everyone is offering suggestions that aren't useful to me. Everyone has an opinion. Dad thinks that I should stop being poly. Amber thinks that I should stop looking for a partner in the BDSM/Ageplay/Poly community. Amber, Mom and Michele think I should move back to Vermont, but that's only because they miss me. Tom wants me to stay in Albany, but that's because he would miss me. Andrea and Onii want me to move to New Bedford, which is the plan right now. All I want to do is turn the noise off and run away.

I'm worried about moving to MA. I'm not sure if I'll be able to find a job that will make me enough money to pay the rent. If I don't, where should I go? What should I do? I have so many personal bills right now. If I do find a job and it's earlier than February, I'm worried about living with Coral and Ryan. What if we don't get along as housemates? Plus that means another move for me. What if things don't work out between Andrea and Onii, or me and Onii, or me and Andrea? More changes. It makes me want to be alone for a while.

Work is kind of sucking lately, which isn't helping things. I haven't had many dogs because it's the slow season. One of my coworkers is turning customers away. My boss is trying to move me to Clifton Park, where there is no work. Her and I aren't getting along very well. It's a mess. Because things are slow, I'm not making any money. I need money for the move, for Christmas, to pay bills, to fix my car. I feel so stuck.

I'm sad about what's going on for the holidays. I was supposed to go to Andrea's for Thanksgiving but I don't have enough money. I feel bad for saying this but I don't have high hopes for Thanksgiving spent at home because Tom and J just don't do holidays. In fact, I believe that Tom and J will be going to one of their parent's house so I'll probably be alone. I was also hoping to have Andrea and Onii at my family's Christmas celebration but my family doesn't feel comfortable having them there without meeting them first. Not sure what the plans are for New Years but I hope I get to do something fun with the people I love.

Dirty Daddy

The other day, I told Daddy that I needed to go to the store. He decided to go with me but he had to "get me ready" first. He ended up blindfolding me and laying me down on top of a dider on the bed. Then he started putting a finger in my secret secret spot. After he got it all loosened up, he put a couple of marshmallows in there. Eeep! He also put some toothpaste on my kitty parts. Then he taped up the dider, helped me put my pants back on, and pinned my paci to the inside of my zip up sweatshirt. When we got to the car, he helped me put my seat belt on and we were off.

We spent a LONG time at the store. Daddy let me push ALL of the buttons in the toy aisle and he bought me some footie jammies! After a while, my tummy started getting REALLY rumbly but we still had to go to another store. Daddy told me that I wasn't allowed to get into the car without my paci in my mouth, so I reluctantly slipped it in, searching for onlookers the whole time. By the time we were done at the other store, my belly was feeling very uncomfortable. I kept telling Daddy that I had to go potty and all he said was that I should use my diders like a little baby does. I told him that a wasn't a baby but he kept asking me who wears diders and who uses pacifiers. All I could answer with was a baby.......so I did what Daddy wanted me to. I was so embarrassed. I wasn't going to write about it BECAUSE I was embarrassed but Daddy made me promise that I would.

Today, Daddy did another dirty thing to me. He cuffed my hands behind my back and made me put my nose in the corner. Then he made me take a bunch of steps back so that I was supporting my weight on the wall with my head. Then he put my buzzy toy on me. It was REALLY hard to stand up. It felt really good. Daddy started getting all hard so he sat down on the chair and made me kneel in front of him so that I could help him out. He told me to say "Thank you Daddy" and "Can I have some more, Daddy?" It felt so wrong. I ended up really getting into it though. Then Daddy put a dider on me and made me use my buzzy toy until I came. Mmmm.....

Heartbroken

I'm dying inside. I love being poly but sometimes relationships just don't turn out the way they were expected to and it's heartbreaking. Tom, his wife, and I brought up the conversation about having kids and buying a house together a couple of months ago. I had grand visions of a large family filled with warmth and love, a house filled with laughter and the pitter patter of little feet. Unfortunately, that dream started to crumble shortly after its birth.

That conversation was the start of a long summer filled with anxiety and stress. Tom's wife shared some negative feelings about me having kids with her husband. We talked about it and then let it go for a while. The compromise was that I could have kids, but only with donor sperm. This idea festered in my head for what seemed like ages. We continued talking about buying a house. When things actually started happening, like talking to a realtor and getting financial information together, I cracked. I don't want to have kids with donor sperm. This isn't my dream. I want to have kids with someone I love. I brought up the topic again. This time, Tom's wife shared negative feelings about biulding ANY kind of family together. The problem had been escalated. There was no more hope of fixing this problem.

It has been a really rough couple of days filled with some very difficult conversation and hard truths. I am learning a lot about the different kinds of poly. We are a tripod, not a triangle. This isn't a bad relationship, it's just a hard one. Unfortunately, there is no compromise for this problem. We can't be a family. There isn't enough trust between Tom's wife and I. There isn't enough love or common ground for us to stand on. We're divided. The devastating reality of this is that I have to go.

My heart is aching. I don't want to leave my Daddy. I've lost too many daddies. I don't want to lose my partner either. We share so many great experiences together. I know that we're not separating. We just can't live together anymore. Our relationship is going to change though and it kills me. We had plans to "get married" and have children. We still love each other. It's not like we're going through some messy breakup. That would almost be easier. I'm lucky to have a large poly family who love and support me but it's still very difficult to make this change. It's killing me and it feels a bit unreal. I keep wanting to turn around and say we can make this work but the reality is, we can't. Tom's wife and I just can't be together.

I'm really hoping that Tom and I can maintain our relationship. We did it before, for a whole year, so we can do it again. Tom said that he likes travelling to see a loved one. Maybe being apart will cause our relationship to grow even stronger. Our experiences will be richer because there will be fewer of them. I have high hopes. I'm trying to stay positive, as hard as that is. The only other option is crumbling into a messy rubble pile and what good will that do?

So yet another chapter begins....

Chocolate Addiction and the Gym

I completely ruined my calorie count yesterday by eating a ton of chocolate late last night. I don't know why but I crave chocolate ALL THE TIME. I really need to remember that I have those low calorie chocolate frozen treats in the freezer. They worked for me the last time I tried to do this weight loss thing. Instead of having 3 candy bars at 210 calories each, I could have had 3 pops for 100 calories or less each. That would have saved me 300 calories and probably would have prevented me from making that stupid brownie in a cup thing, which turned out to be way more calories than I expected.

Went to the gym yesterday, which I'm proud of. I did the Smarter Science of Slim cardio. It raised my heart rate adequately but I didn't feel like I was doing cardio at all. Not sure if it worked like it was supposed to or not. I'm supposed to increase the tension so much that I can't peddle without standing but the bikes at Planet Fitness won't let me go up that high. I'm not sure if this is going to work or not. Wondering if I can accomplish the same thing by increasing the incline on a treadmill. Wish I knew WHAT I was doing with this workout. 

I also did some weight training but, again, I didn't know what I was doing. I started with the shoulder press. I think I was doing it wrong though because when I let go of the bar with one hand, my back shifted so I feel like I was using different muscles. I ended up getting embarrassed and ran away. I bought one of those things that you stick in a door frame for pull ups at home. You can also use it to help with push ups and sit ups too. 

I said I wasn't going to worry about some of the stuff that I learned about cardio just yet but it's hard to forget that stuff. I really need to work on building good habits....like going to the gym....and staying there. Doesn't matter what I'm doing, as long as I'm building muscle or burning fat. I'll worry about the best way to work out later. Despite leaving the gym earlier than I had intended, I burned 200 and something calories so it wasn't a complete loss.

The Beginning...Again

I've been trying to lose weight forever. Nothing has worked because I can't stick to anything. Part of the problem is that I make a ton of excuses and part of it is that I know too much so it feels overwhelming. Every time I try to do this, I fail because it's too hard, too complicated, blah, blah, blah because I try to do everything at once instead of starting small. If you read people's success stories, most of them start out by walking for a half hour a day and then jogging and then running and weight training. They slowly build up. Same goes for the food. So that's what I'm going to do.

Long Term Goals:
Lose 80 to 100 lbs
Never be turned away for low iron at the Red Cross
Never have high blood pressure when I go to the doc
Run a marathon

Short Term Goals:
Plan my food for the day and stick to the plan
Take all of my vitamins at night and in the morning
Go for a 30 minute walk every night (at least)

I want to do this so very badly. I see the person who I want to be in my head. I know that I have the strength that it takes to accomplish this. "Elements such as a meaningful spiritual practice, an inspiring career, regular and enjoyable physical activity, and honest and open relationships that feed your soul and your hunger for living all constitute primary food. The more primary food we receive, the less is our dependency on secondary foods.” I'm going to work on building up my primary foods.

Sweet Release

This weekend was the Invasion. We had a lot of people show up. It was really nice. I love how much energy there is when it's a large group. I got to see people who I haven't seen in FOREVER, which was super awesome! The Thanksgiving dinner went well. There was a lot of yummy food....ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, and all sorts of other goodies. Thanks everyone for participating! It wouldn't have happened without you. There were also a lot of great superhero costumes. We took turns holding a fan on our backs to make our capes fly in the air. We were being silly. We also played duck, duck, goose, which was a little dangerous due to the loose carpet squares, and tried to balance our teddy bears on our heads. Hehe. Towards the end of the night, people started splitting up, as they usually do, for their individual scenes.

Onii and Tom stole me away for a needle scene. Before bringing me to the medical room, they put me in a gas mask. I love masks. I love how they make me feel, how they feel on me, how they make me look...everything. Anyway, I hadn't done needles in forever so some of them were SUPER ouchie. To end the scene, a violet wand got taken out. I love the violet wand. It's such a strange sensation....somewhere between painful and ticklish. I have all sorts of marks left over from the needles, staples, and wartenberg wheel.

I was feeling kind of emotional at the end of the night. Not sure why. I guess I was just starting to run out of social energy...so Tom and I snuggled on the couch for a bit. Onii appeared after a while and I knew that it was time for the scene that I needed so badly. We headed into the dark quiet room and started to wrestle. It didn't take long for things to get intense. I fought hard. At one point, I got angry....at everything...and shoved Onii. It scared me. I wasn't angry at him and I think he knew that. It was just a bunch of pent up emotional energy that needed release. Onii punched me in the sides and yanked me by my hair. Then he pinned me down and started hitting me with the railroad tie thingy. I was feeling so worn out by the end of it all that I broke down. Onii yelled at me to say it....say it! It was so hard to do. Part of me didn't want it to stop but I finally gave in and called red. We lay there on the ground hugging each other for what felt like forever until my tears subsided a bit.

After my scene with Onii, Andrea and I snuggled on the couch and talked for a while. I love spending time with her. I feel so close to her. It's so warm and soft and fuzzy. I'm excited to watch our relationship grow.

Wants and Needs

I'm angry. I want to throw things. I want to shout and scream and make lots of noise. I want to be taken down. I want to fight. I want to lose. I want to bleed. I want to cry. I want to break. I want to melt into pain and submission. I don't want to be my own. I want release. It's like there's a dam, holding back emotion, and it's about to fail. It's building and building. The pressure is becoming unbearable. I need relief.

I'm sad. I want to be cuddled. I want to be taken care of. I want to be tucked in. I want to be warm. I want to be soft. I want to be unaware of scary things. I want to play. I want to giggle. I want to love. I want colors and fuzzy things. I want kittens and ladybugs and rainbows. I want snuggles and happy feelings. I want deep littlespace. No responsibility. No thought.

Diaper Fetish? And Tantrums

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Halloween Party, Littles Invasion, and a Family Event

I visited my family last weekend. It was a short but good visit. We all carved pumpkins. Mine was a spider web with 2 spiders and a fly. My sister won with the booby pumpkin. We also went to a corn maze. This one was A LOT smaller than the one I went to with John and they gave us a map so it went by pretty quickly. It was a lot of fun though. We ended the night with a yummy dinner at the Olive Garden.

I had my Halloween party last weekend. It was so awesome!!! I absolutely loved it. Almost everyone was able to come, which was great. Onii and Andrea arrived the night before. On Saturday, we picked Frankie up from the airport, ran some errands, cooked for the party, and decorated. We had black lights, spider webs, balloons, streamers, strobe lights, and skulls.. The costumes were pretty awesome too. I wish I had pictures.  I was a broken doll. Andrea was a Toddlers in Tiaras princess. Tom was a black cat. There was an Adventureland costume, a hobo, Rufio from Hook, the pied piper, a dead baby, a princess, and a mad scientist. We played some Rock Band, experimented with mixing drinks, watched some Epic Rap Battles of History, watched a BDSM scene that Tom was a part of, and had a lot of great conversation. Everyone crashed on the air mattresses and futons in the living room while watching Madagascar 3. 

The next morning, I cooked pancakes and sausage for the entire crew. There was a lot of hanging out and talking. The conversation never died. Eventually we headed out for lunch, ran around the mall trying to have some fun before the stores closed, and then came home for some more Rap Battles of History. Finally it was time for people to go. Saying goodbye lasted several hours. You know that the company is good when you don't want to go home. I had so much fun. I definitely want to throw another party soon. 

The Littles Invasion is next weekend. I'm so excited that I get to see everyone again! It's going to be a Superheroes Thanksgiving theme. I can't decide what I want to go as. I can dress in the zentai suit and be invisible, I can wear my Batman shirt, or I can wear my monster hat. Everyone is signing up for food, which is great. I'm going to cook a roast of some sort. Trying to come up with an awesome activity to do. The next Invasion after this one is going to be in December, less than a month away. We're going to have another Nerf gun war and we might build some forts too. And Santa will be there! Yay!

Live Your Life

Puppy Stuff and Stuff

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And The Cup Overflows

I've been struggling lately. I'm stressing out big time about all sorts of things. I feel a bit like a kid trying to make adult decisions. That's what we all are really....just a bunch of kids, learning how to be grown up. I always expected to hit a certain age and then I'd be grown up. I'd know ALL the things at that magical age. I'd be confident in every decision. I'd know what to do, no matter what. That's not how it works though. You learn through trial and error, just like you always have. Nothing changes except that you have more successes and failures to look back on. You grow wise slowly and sometimes painfully. It makes me look at my parents a bit differently. Some people never do grow up....but that's a different story.

I don't know what I should be doing now. My heart says one thing and my head says something else. Both are important to listen to. I keep searching for answers by asking people what they think but nobody can help. Everyone is either biased in one way or another or not familiar enough with the situation to offer any real advice. It's a lonely position to be in. I've got plenty of support, which is really helpful and heart warming, but nobody can tell me what to do.

I feel like I'm actually trying to make a decision for both me and my unborn children. This is causing me to look at life a little bit differently than usual. It feels very strange. I only say that I feel like a kid making adult decisions because I've been escaping into little space a lot lately as a coping mechanism for my stress but really, I'm thinking much more logically than usual. Apparently, looking at the world through "Mom Goggles" causes me to take some emotion out of the equation. It's not just my life that my decisions are affecting anymore. Don't worry, I'm not pregnant....but I DO want children someday. The problem is, I'm having a hard time facing the facts. The emotion is still there, I'm just able to look at things without it a bit easier. I go through a period of thinking logically and then I go through a period of thinking emotionally and it's exhausting.

This big stress in my life is making it difficult to handle smaller stresses. The weekend hasn't even started yet and it's already been filled with tiny disappointments. My family was supposed to go to the Great Escape tomorrow, something I've been looking forward to for months now, but plans changed. Then I was supposed to leave for VT tonight but wasn't able to because a payment came out of my account that I wasn't expecting to come out until next week, so I have to wait until the morning to get my paycheck. This little financial snaffu also forced me to skip out on going to a movie that I'd been planning on going to since last week. Then I found out that my boss scheduled a dog for me to groom on Sunday, which means I need to come back early from my trip. Finally, my tea ball exploded while I was pouring the water into my cup. It was all too much. I started to cry. Luckily Daddy was there to save the day. He strained my tea and made me sit there smelling the relaxing aromatic fumes until I calmed down. Then my OCDness kicked in and I cleaned all the things in the kitchen before running off into the seclusion of my bedroom under the stairs.

I honestly don't want to do anything right now. All I want to do is sleep. I'm slowly slipping into a state of depression. Knowing this, I'm doing everything in my power to stay out of it. I get moments of blissful happy because I'm lucky and have a very active little side, which is helpful. Today I put on a dider, my footie jammies, and my fuzzy monster hat while I snuggled with my kitten, drank hot chocolate, and listened to the rain. It was nice for a long time....until everyone came home and reality hit again that there are still problems in my world. Trying to stay excited about the halloween party next weekend, which seems to be working well. I AM excited. Planning on working out a menu and shopping list for the party on Sunday when I get back from work. Looking forward to spending some time with my family tomorrow and going to a corn maze. I'm ok. I CAN do this. I'll figure it out. In the meantime....pictures of littleness....

After our ageplay munch on Sunday, Daddy, LilPolarBear, and I bought cupcakes!!! I got a Cookie Monster one. I ate him while he ate the cookie. Num, num!

Me!....happy dancing....'cause that's what little girls do. :-)

(Don't look for too long or you'll get dizzy. Trust me.)

My super duper awesome hat of monsterness!!! I think I might be wearing this to the next Littles Invasion (which is only 2 weeks away!!!).

And to wrap it all up with some kinky dirty thoughts ('cause who doesn't like those?), *whispers shyly* I think I'm turning into a dirty slut. Eeep! I've been reading dirty dirty stories and looking at dirty dirty pictures and thinking of dirty dirty thoughts. I seem to like butt things, and being watched, and forced to do things, and being used like a toy. I like so many dirty things! It's so embarrassing! It's kinda ridiculous that I can embarrass myself even when nobody else is around. Hehe.