Delving Deeper

I've been exploring my darker side with Locke a lot lately. We are both equally twisted. My tolerance for pain isn't as good as I thought it was...although I DID recently get my cooter stapled shut and hooks stuck into my chest, which is something. I'm interested in exploring it a little more deeply though. I enjoy fighting it and fighting the people who are causing it. I see it as a battle between brain and body. Can the mind fight the physical suffering. It's all about coping techniques....controlled breathing, relaxing the body, mentally breaking it down.

There are a few things that I just can't deal with for some reason. It drives me crazy. I hate pinching; my nipples are super sensitive so I can't take much when it comes to them; my cooter is really tight so sex is sometimes painful; having my hands, arms, and legs bound upsets me; and solid gags can get scary because of my allergies and stuffy nose. Argh! I don't want to have these issues. I feel like it's disappointing and frustrating for the people playing with me. It is what it is though. Everyone has stuff that they need to deal with.

I've started fantasizing about dolls....about being a doll with buttons for eyes and a forced fake smile that denies the existence of agony. I've also been fantasizing about faceless men again and animalistic behavior. .....dark creepy twisted things. I've had fantasies like these before but they were slowly replaced with fluffy light little stuff. I blame Locke for bringing this side of me back. Hehe. :-) It's been a while since I've played in this way.

Pain and Pleasure

Last night, Tom decided to hook me up to the tens unit and make me cum. It was pretty hot. He attached 2 nodes onto my bottom and 2 onto my kitty lips and slowly turned up the dial throughout the scene. Then he sat on my chest with his penis in my mouth. It all felt SOOOOO good but it took me forever to have an orgasm! I think part of it was that my kitty had started going numb between the hitachi and the tens but part of it was also thinking too much. Eventually I had to just lay very still and focus on feeling instead of thinking. It's kind of crazy how endorphins work because by the end of it, I was begging Tom to turn the tens up higher. The pain felt so good. It was almost working better at bringing me closer to an orgasm than the hitachi was.

Before going to bed, Tom told me to wake him up in the morning with a hand job. The submissive in me was happy to do this although it ended up being pretty stressful for me. I was so worried about not waking up at the right time that I woke up every hour on the hour throughout the night. Stupid brain. Aw well. Lesson learned. Maybe this isn't a game for me to play....or maybe it just means I'll have to suffer through it.

The Polony

Over the last year or two, I've been getting closer and closer to Andrea and Locke and the rest of their clan. We've known each other for, oh I don't know, 5 or 6 years now I think but we were never really THAT close. Building this relationship has been so nice and I think that it's so strong now because it developed over such a long period of time. It really hit home at the last littles invasion that I'm part of the family now.

For dinner, Andrea made some corned beef and Kawaii made some enchiladas. When it was ready, Andrea called out to me and asked if I wanted any because she was going to feed the family before putting it out for everyone else. This touched me in a way that I can't even describe. It seems so silly but it meant so much to me. Once everyone had a plate, we all gathered around a big round table to eat. There was laughter and smiles and warmth all around. After dinner, we had cake and Sukima shared his with me. The whole thing was just....magical.

Earlier this week, Locke and I decided to add to our Fetlife profiles that we were brother and sister and I already had Andrea listed as a sister. It's amazing to me that I can sometimes feel closer to these people than I do to my own blood relatives. I love them. We're supposed to be getting together for a week of vacation in July. I'm very literally fighting for the time off at work. I hope that I get it because I would be devastated if I couldn't go.

Dr Seuss Littles Invasion

Yet again, I have let far too much time pass in between entries. That means that the details have become foggy. Ah....c'est la vie. What can you do?

The invasion was wonderful, as usual. I set up a huge table with puzzles, worksheets, coloring books, crayons, bubbles, and play dough. Everyone seemed to really enjoy this. At some point the tv was pulled over and we started playing movies like Aladdin and A Series of Unfortunate Events. People were in and out of the playpen throughout the night and the diaper muncher got used as it was supposed to. It was great! We had Dr Seuss stories read to us and there was snuggling and diaper changes and fun. People brought in themed food like colorful twizzlers, blue alfredo sauce, and flavored oreos.

It was a small group this time, which was kind of nice. Everyone really got to know each other well. We all seemed to mesh. Breakfast was especially enjoyable this time. It's nice when people spend the night and get together at the diner in the morning. It always fills me up with such warmth to look down the table at all of these people who understand each other. No judgement at all and lots of happy smiles. I hope more people get to come next time. Makes me wonder if every 2 months is too often or if it was just a fluke that people couldn't make it.

While watching one of the movies, I decided to climb into one of the dog cages for fun. I'm good at finding trouble when I'm little. Then Locke and Andrea decided to join in on the fun. They fed me cheese and pepperoni through the bars, made me do tricks, poked at me with a big stick, and teased me. It was a little strange playing in this way around all of the other littles but I tuned into my tunnel vision and blocked everyone else out for a while. Locke had me put my head in his lap to finish watching the movie towards the end. He would grab onto my hair every time I got distracted by something. I really enjoyed that. I'm excited to see where this puppy play thing might go in the future.

It was around midnight that we realized how late it was and that we hadn't started playing yet so Tom went off with Andrea and I headed to the medical room with Locke. He ended up putting some 8 gauge hooks into my chest and then played with some small needles. I've been wanting to try hooks for the longest time. It wasn't as painful as I had anticipated. I'm such a scaredy cat. One of the hooks definitely hurt a little more than the other. I guess the holes were a little closer together. I think what hurt the most was the dry blood scraping the skin. At one point Locke started spanking my kitty parts. That always turns me on. For some reason, I wasn't able to have an orgasm, which was super frustrating but I still had fun. Anyway, I can't wait to try doing a hook pull with Andrea sometime and then eventually a hook suspension.