Honest Thoughts

I'm writing here to dispel my emotions. That means no logic, just feeling. Logically, I know that everything will be fine in the end but emotionally, I'm hurting. I know that I'll feel better soon but, right now, I just want to throw a little kid temper tantrum.

My OTHER sister just got engaged today. That's both of them now. Meanwhile, I'm moving away from the person who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I'm happy for my sisters, I really am, but I also feel jealous and angry.

My everything is packed......and I do mean EVERYTHING. The walls are bare and boxes litter the basement. I don't want to move. I'll be stuck in "dating" mode with Tom forever. It sucks. I know what we'll still have fun but I love him and I want him to myself right now. I knew that I would have to share him when I got involved with him but I DIDN'T know that I would be led to believe that I could build a future with him, and then told otherwise a year into those plans. I'm apparently still angry about that. 

I don't want my daddy to go away! He's MY daddy. *tears* It's not fair and I'm scared. Who's going to kiss me ni ni? Who's going to tickle me and make me laugh? Who's going to play with me? My little is throwing the biggest temper tantrum ever. She's angry and scared and lonely. This is the second time that she has had to basically say good bye to a daddy. Will she ever learn to trust someone again?

On top of that, I told Tom something tonight about my poly concerns and now things are weird. I can't decide if I regret it now or not. Should I have kept those thoughts to myself? Or maybe just shared them at a different time? We both wish that we had someone to talk to about these things....someone who knew us well, wasn't biased, and who wasn't a partner. Unfortunately, there are some things that we just have to deal with on our own. We'll learn through trial and error, I guess.

A Mutual Gift

Daddy and I shared this experience tonight. I thought it would be fun to try and write it like erotica. I think I need some practice. Still, it's a lot sexier than the "and then, and then, and then" style of writing that I usually do.

"I think we should put you in the grey sweatshirt, little girl," Daddy said.

"Noooo....not the grey sweatshirt," I groaned. I complain but it's all in jest. The grey sweatshirt is a bondage sweatshirt. The sleeves are sewn into the front pocket so that you can't move. It's great for public bondage because, to onlookers, it simply looks like you have your hands in your pockets.

"Put your arms across your chest," Daddy instructed. I rolled my eyes and held my arms tight to my chest while Daddy pulled the sweatshirt over my head. I struggled a bit as he helped me slide my arms through the sleeves and into the front pocket. I frowned at Daddy who grinned in return and tickled me, bringing a smile to my face. 

Daddy had me sit in the living room while he went potty and made a drink. During the time that he was gone, I snuck my arms out of the sleeves and started playing with my phone. 

"Little girl," Daddy said, shooting me a disapproving look as he walked into the room. He quickly strode over to me and helped me get my hands back into position, then tightened a few velcro strips around my wrists so that I couldn't move. I whined as he took hold of my arm, thinking he was going to spank me. Instead, he turned me around, sat me between his legs, and pulled me back to snuggle with him on the couch.

It wasn't too long until Daddy had my pants loosened and his fingers dancing across my clitty under the blanket. He was so gentle, his fingers flicking lightly back and forth. Slowly, the heat and arousal began to build in my groin. I felt the juices start to trickle between my pouting lips. Daddy reached down, scooped up the slippery wetness, and moved back to my clit, increasing his speed. I moaned and moved my hips up and down in time with him. 

Without warning, Tom's wife walked into the room, stopping to watch what was playing on the TV. I lightly jabbed Daddy in the arm with my thumb, trying to send a silent message that I was uncomfortable. Daddy, noticing this, slowed his stroking but continued to idly play with my bud. I blushed and tried to remain stoic. J stayed for what seemed like forever. FINALLY, she moved on and I sighed with relief. Daddy picked up the speed again, grabbing a fistful of hair or wrapping an arm tightly around my neck every now and then.

The heat continued to rise as I grew more and more hungry for orgasm. I turned and whispered quietly into Daddy's ear, "Faster." Daddy picked up the pace. I focused on nothing more than what I was feeling. And then, finally, sweet release. I tensed, wave after wave of pleasure crashing over me. I writhed and flailed, doing everything I could to remain silent so that Tom's wife wouldn't hear me from the other room. Eventually the sensation was unbearable and I begged Daddy to stop. I relaxed in his arms, breathless and spent. Daddy hugged me tightly. "Thank you," he whispered in my ear.

Nobody has EVER been able to bring me to orgasm without using a toy. Our mutual patience with each other was a gift to the both of us. I felt so close to him, so connected. It was wonderful. "Indian food, a little scotch, a bad movie, and masturbation.....what a great end to Christmas." Daddy said something along these lines. I wish I could remember the exact quote because it was great! A very merry Christmas this was indeed. :-)

A Richer Life

Things are going pretty well for me these days. Money is tight but I know that this will change soon. Trying to  figure out if I should save every penny or spend some money on visiting with people and going to events. I know that I get pretty depressed when I'm feeling lonely and being depressed is not going to help me reach my goals. There are two plans that I'm toying with. One of them is not going to ANY events, putting everything I have towards debt, and saving a little money for an end of the year Disney Trip. If I go with this plan, I'll probably do a few more Littles Invasions throughout the year, which are almost free, so that I can still see people. The other plan is to choose a few events to go to and budget for those. Leaning towards the first plan right now.

For a while, I was thinking that I needed to see a therapist. Now, I'm thinking that I'd benefit more from finding ways to deal with my anxiety. I think I'm pretty healthy otherwise. I just stress out about things unnecessarily. I wonder if I can find the tools that I need to do this on my own or if I'll need to talk to someone about it. Also not sure if I can fix it by just working on my head or if I'll need a medication to help.

I've been tossing around the idea of seeing a trainer to help me lose weight but I don't think I need that either.  I found a mostly free weekly support group that I can attend and I already have a lot of knowledge about food and exercise. I feel confident that I can do it on my own. I just need to find a good routine. I think I'll also need to learn a bit more about weight training. I'm still hoping that I will be able to run a marathon. Maybe I'll make the Disney marathon a goal again.

I want to live a richer life....richer in experiences, richer in health, richer in finances, richer in everything. I think that I'm well on my way to doing that. I feel really good about all of this. I think this is it!

Dizzying Days Ahead

I turn 26 (or as I like to think of it, 2.6) at 12:22am....32 minutes from now. Yay! I feel excited for some reason. Maybe it's because I made it through the "End of Civilization".....or maybe it's just because I'm a big kid and get excited at all sorts of random happy things like birthdays! *shrugs* Anyway, Daddy and I bought a cake together. He let me pick out ANY cake that I wanted so I got the lemon one, 'cause that's my favorite. We also got a chocolate one to share with everyone tomorrow. I feel weird about this birthday because I'm over the hump; closer to adulthood (which is 30 and above) than I am to childhood (which is 20 and below). :-)

I've got quite a busy week ahead of me. Tomorrow, I'm going to meet Tom's family for the first time. I'm a bit nervous because Tom only came out to them as poly this year. Hopefully things go well and won't be awkward. I'm going to be leaving there to visit with Andrea. On Sunday, we're heading to her mom's house for a Christmas celebration, also a first for me. On Christmas Eve, I'll head back home to celebrate Christmas with Tom. We're going to make Indian food and hopefully watch a Christmas movie or two. Then I pack ALL THE THINGS! I've got 3 days to do that. Eeep! Next Saturday, Tom and I will be celebrating the holidays with our Albany gang of friends and then heading up to my Mom's place in VT to celebrate ANOTHER Christmas with them. Then we're back home for a New Year's Party with the Albany crew and then I move. That's 6 parties in 3 or 4 states, depending on how you look at it.  Then, as soon as I get to VT, I have a work screening, appointments to go to, and work to begin. It's dizzying. I can't wait to settle in to a routine.

Today was pretty awesome. I'm starting to get the hang of a new project that they gave me to do for my work at home stuff, which is good. Makes the time go by quicker. I had a wonderful long chat with Mako over Skype. We folded laundry together and talked about psychology, work, podcasts, family, and the ageplay community as a whole. I wish I knew everyone in that gang a bit better and I wish I could spend more time with them. They're such a great group of people. I finished off the day by building a gingerbread house and sipping hot chocolate. Yum!

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time daydreaming about an ideal life. I would own a large-ish home with several bedrooms, one for each of my poly family members. I would have a finished basement or attic converted into a beautiful nursery with everything an ageplayer could dream of. It would be a place where all my friends could come to be themselves. I would have parties all the time and basically an open door policy. My house would be filled with laughter and smiles and warmth. It would be so amazing. I would be like a momma bear, serving dinners and cleaning up after everyone, maybe even changing diders. Now....what kind of career do I need to have this sort of a dream come true?

I added a link to my kinky/ageplay Amazon wishlist on my blog and on my Fetlife account. I know some people frown on this sort of a thing but I'm not asking for anything, I'm just putting it out there. I know that it would make some people's lives easier and it has the potential to help me build a dream space sooner rather than later for all of my fellow ageplayers to come visit. I AM putting a call out to anyone who might be willing to build a rocking horse and/or crib for me at some point. I'd love to talk about a design and get a quote.

P.S. Someone left 2 comments today on previous posts that I accidentally deleted before even getting a chance to read them. I'd love for you to comment again so that I can see what you said and press PUBLISH instead of DELETE. Ooopsie!

Diders and Bottles

I've been sick a lot lately with allergies. Story of my life really. Last night, I was feeling SUPER sick so Daddy took me down to my bedroom and diapered me up. He used powder and everything! I felt so little as I snuggled with my Maggie bear while he pulled the tapes tight. Then we cuddled together on the bed to read a story. I ended up falling asleep in his arms, which doesn't happen too often. I love moments like these. They make my heart melt.

This morning, when I woke up, I sat on Daddy's face with my dider on....'cause he likes that....and I like watching him cum. I smothered him so he couldn't breath and told him that I was going to pee on him, which he nodded to excitedly. *giggles* When we were done with that, he pointed out that my diaper wasn't very wet. I mentioned that I was probably dehydrated. His response was to help me fill it up by pulling the back of my dider open and peeing inside. *blushes*

Just before going to the Invasion, Daddy and I stopped at the local Tractor Supply store to buy a calf nursing bottle. The thing is HUGE. It holds something like 2 quarts. Daddy told me last night that he actually bought it for ME. *happy dances* It's a lot of fun to drink from. The size of it is a bit ridiculous but I have to admit that it does make me feel small.....and I'm not such a sponge when I drink from this thing. It's a good thing I was wearing a Bellissimo the other night. Boy can those things hold a lot. :-)

I've been wanting to be little a lot lately but I just can't seem to get there (except for last night) despite all of the ageplay related things that I've been doing. I think it's because there's too much going on in my life right now. In the next 2 weeks, I have to travel to 4 different states for 4 parties, 2 holidays, my birthday, a work screening for my new job, work from home stuff, packing ALL the things, a move....and the end of the world. That's a lot to do! I hope that I'll have the opportunity to really sink deep into little space again sometime soon. I miss going there.

Vermont Ageplay Munch?

I'm thinking of starting up an ageplay munch in Vermont. I wonder how many ageplayers there are in VT and if they'd be interested in going to a munch. Not sure if it's worth it since I might only be living there for a year or two. If I did start up a munch, it would have to be on a strange schedule to fit around work. I think I would do it at Zacharys Pizza, Denny's, or Ponderosa since they are relatively cheap and have good seating. It would be a bit risky since I know A LOT of people in the area but I'm willing to take that risk. Hmmmm.....

15 Stone Babies

15 Stone Babies is a show that recently aired on Channel 4 in the UK. LittleMeow, someone who I admire and consider a friend, was on the show with her boyfriend PouncerOfLittles. I enjoyed watching the show and thought that it was one of the best shows out there, if not THE best, on the topic of ageplay. In my opinion, they did a great job portraying us. I appreciate what they've done for the community and I'm sending out a big thank you to them. It takes a lot of bravery to appear on public television to talk about something as personal as this. Because of the show, people might realize for the first time that they aren't alone. Others might finally build up the courage to tell their partners about it or to step out into the community to find friends. It's really a wonderful thing.

Unfortunately, people are being quite judgmental of the couple. Nobody realizes how much editing goes into shows like this. The producers can make any statement they want by dismissing comments that were made during the interviews and condensing others. I wish that the producers hadn't focused so much on the minor disagreements between LittleMeow and PouncerOfLittles. They made it sound like being poly was a problem and that PouncerOfLittles was domineering. This wasn't very fair or true, from what I understand. I also don't like that they named the show 15 Stone Babies. Apparently it was supposed to be called something different. Sadly, ratings are all that really matter to a producer in the end.

On the positive side of things, I love that so many of the participants commented on the fact that ageplay is often about connections and about feeling safe and loved. I think this is something that a lot of vanilla folks can connect with. Derrick was an especially enjoyable character and I think that people will take his words into consideration because they can relate to him. I also love the fact that there were quite a few littles portrayed in the show. It suggests that there are many of us out there. The more people involved in an activity, the less strange it seems. Yay! And of course I thought LittleMeow did a great job too. She showed her super cute little side as well as her super grown up big side.

Overall, I thought that it was a great show. I hope that all involved realize that no matter what, there will always be someone who is unhappy so they shouldn't pay any mind to the negative comments that they receive. They should be proud of what they've done. They did more for the community than they might realize. There might be a lot of hype now but, over time, things will die down and life will return to normal. Thank you to everyone who participated. Your bravery is commendable.

Two Dreams

Last night, I was feeling SUPER little so I put my hair in pigtails, put on a Bellissimo and my footies, and settled down to watch some Disney shorts. Being little makes me feel so calm and happy and so does spending time with other littles. I was considering hosting another party sometime within the next couple of months with fun-to-eat-food and movies and coloring and games and things of that nature. It would basically be a Littles Invasion at my house except better. I was also thinking of trying to organize a long weekend or week long summer get together. I'd love to do stuff outside but I'm not sure how to do it in a cheap and private way. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to afford Camp Crucible OR the Fetish Flea so I was thinking that this would make a good alternative.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. My family often tries to convince me to give up being poly, kinky, and little. They're accepting of it but they also believe that it's the cause of most of my difficulties in life. I had to explain to my mother that these interests of mine have actually been a blessing in my life and that they've benefited me in many ways. It's what makes me the happiest right now, spending time with these people. She said that she hasn't seen the ways in which they've helped me because I don't talk about it much anymore. I told her that this was because everyone always responds so negatively towards it. She said that she's interested in learning how I've changed and how this community has helped me, so that's good.

I'm trying to live an authentic life, which means being true to my own beliefs, desires, needs, talents, integrity, and personal destiny. This weekend, I'm feeling conflicted about what destiny to be working toward. A HUGE part of me wants a family with children and maybe homeschooling and things like that. I think I'd be a great mother and I'm interested in meeting my children. The problem is, there's also a HUGE part of me that wants to buy a house and create a safe space for other littles to come and spend time.  I'd love to have a large adult nursery to host parties in and help create happy memories. Unfortunately, I don't see how both of these things can happen together. This weekend, since I spent so much time at the Invasion with other Littles, I'm leaning towards the nursery dream but my feelings often sway back and forth on the matter. 

I've decided that instead of worrying about these sorts of things now, I'm going to wait on it and see where life takes me. It's not like I would be making any steps in any direction until at least a year from now anyway. Right now, I'm focusing on my health and financial status. I've noticed a pattern in my life. I change plans on a whim and I change them often.  I think it's time for me to just sit and stay quiet for a while.....really listen to myself and feel out the right path.

The Littles Invasion

This weekend was the holiday Littles Invasion. It was so much fun! We had Santa drop by to hand out the yankee gift swap presents. He was super sweet and read the kinky version of Twas the Night Before Christmas for us. Thank you Hesperus! Then we had a capture the flag Nerf gun war....hats vs no hats. The great part was, we got to do it in the poorly lit storage units behind The Society. It was kind of like laser tag with people sneaking around corners and running down hallways. It was awesome! I wish we had been able to play freeze tag or something in there. Maybe next time. We also watched The Muppets Christmas Carol as a group, all snuggled up next to each other on the couches and floor.

Footie jammies were the outfit of choice for many this Littles Invasion. Everyone looked so snuggly in them. Thanks to xbbx, we spent the entire weekend singing Chimpanzee Riding On a Segway. That song is SUPER catchy! We formed a human choo choo train while travelling around the space and had a mini rave in front of the black light. I wrestled with BlackThunda for a while, which we've been talking about doing FOREVER. That was fun! And we had a little sleepover snuggle party in the corner to end the night. 



I love this group of people. We share so many silly happy memories together. There's so much laughter and joy and so many snuggles. One of the things that I love the most about littles is that they snuggle! I love snuggling. I used to have a lot of trouble touching people but not anymore and I'm really thankful for that. I hug everyone and I encourage snuggling. I love that we can be close to each other without the pressure of being sexual. They say that touch is healthy and healing. I think we should do it more often.

This Invasion is especially great because I got to celebrate my birthday. Frankie got me a purple and black fedora. I absolutely LOVE fedoras! And now I can say that I have one of my own. Yes! He also got me a GIANT package of Bellissimos diapers, which are the best diapers ever!!! Andrea and Brett somehow managed to find a tie dye purple and pink cake. I wish I had taken a picture! It had Tinkerbell characters on top and sparkly writing. Andrea got me all kinds of presents....shirts and fuzzy socks and Minnie Mouse plates and a bracelet and all sorts of other things! The best part was the lovely card that she gave me. It was amazing. I felt so loved and special. Thank you all soooo much!

You Should Consider Therapy

I've been fighting off the thought that I could benefit from speaking to a therapist for so long. "They won't understand" was one excuse. "They can't help me," another. Those were just deflecting comments to hide what was really going on though. I realized that I was afraid. If I admitted that I needed a therapist, people might think that I'm crazy or broken. People wouldn't trust me any more. It would mean that I'm weak. But it's not like that. 

I'm starting to understand that seeing a therapist is like fine tuning. It's turning that pretty stone into a dazzling diamond. Everyone can use a little tweaking from time to time, a little buffing up. Everyone has the ability to shine a little brighter. I realized recently that I've done a HELL of a lot of work on my own, which I'm very proud of, but I'm at a point in my growth and healing where I could benefit from talking to someone. I've seen therapists help so many other people in my life. What could they do for me?

Kiata over on Fetlife wrote this and I thought it was awesome so I wanted to keep it here where I wouldn't lose it.....

No, seriously.

While I think society as a whole has gotten better educated and less judgemental regarding mental health issues, there is still a stigma attached to seeking professional help.

"Er, nothing wrong with that," was my new primary care physician's reaction to me mentioning I was seeing a psychologist, said in a tone that conveyed he believed quite the opposite. And often times, you hear people tell someone else, "You need therapy," with the clear subtext of their words being "because you're batshit crazy."

My perspective? We all have our issues and traumas. You might benefit from hearing a professional viewpoint and finding an objective, caring listener. There's no shame in seeking help. Successful therapy requires hard work, and it is not a miracle cure for all that ails you, but it can really, really help. It helped me.

I don't want to get too far into my personal issues, but far from being a "punishment," therapy for me has been a safe, sacred place. I can cry as much as I want and say all the selfish, socially unacceptable things that might damage my personal relationships if I said them to the people involved. I've healed from so much trauma and learned so much about communication and how to do it effectively. And I've learned to be kind and understanding with myself, which has helped me be more kind and understanding with other people. So, if I suggest, "You should consider therapy," it's because I want all of those good things for you, too.

Again, not a miracle cure. And I understand that it's not for everybody. So your mileage may vary. But, if you have decided to give therapy a try, there's a few things you should know.

There are different schools of therapy. For the record, the whole Freudian, lying on the couch free association type of therapy is so last century. Hardly anyone does this anymore, although there is a modern version known as the psychodynamic approach. Other popular schools of psychology include CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy - not ballbusting), Gestalt therapy, humanistic-existential approach, and family systems model. It pays to do some research and figure out which one might work best for you.

Find a therapist you like and respect. Honestly I think this is more important than what school of thought they ascribe to. The relationship you have with him or her really matters. There are quacks and idiots in every profession, and this can be particularly damaging when you're entrusting someone with your psychological vulnerabilities. It's ok to ask a potential therapist questions. In fact, you should. It's ok to decide it's not working out and try someone new instead.Caveat: That last part can be tricky, because it's sometimes easier to blame the therapist than admit you're feeling scared or vulnerable and therefore want to run. Be honest with yourself about what's going on.

There are lots of kink-friendly therapists out there. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a list of them here. Many therapists who aren't on that list are still open-minded and empathetic to WIITWD. I would not waste my time with anyone who is not.

Be aware that it might get worse before it gets better. However poor your current psychological defenses may be, they're still defenses. Strip those away and you're going to be vulnerable and all the stuff you haven't dealt with will come flooding in. It's a lot easier to get through the initial rough period if you expect it, and know that it will get better if you keep at it.

My final thought, before I climb off my soapbox and go to bed, is that success at "becoming better" isn't always linear. We like to think we're climbing a mountain, with nowhere to go but up, but in my experience that's not so. We're human and fallible and always will be. We stumble, we backslide, we lose our way. If we're smart we keep trying anyway. Effort counts. I used to tell myself, over and over again, a quote from one of my favorite books, If Rock and Roll Were a Machine, by Terry Davis. Everything changes...If I changed once for the worse, I can change again for the better. I can be somebody different from who I am now.

I wish you well.

Anxious Thoughts

I'm really good at being silly sometimes. I spent a good chunk of the day being anxiety ridden and crazy. I worked myself up into a frenzy going over and over the same things trying to decide if they were problems that I needed to fix or not. By the end of the night, I was exhausted and grumpy and more confused than ever. To make myself feel better, I got my footie jammies on and my monster hat and went to sit on the floor in Daddy's office. Being near him was comforting. Then Daddy, being the awesomeness that he is, suggested that we go for a walk, even though it was almost midnight. He made me put pants on over my footie jammies and we headed out to look at all the Christmas lights. I love Christmas lights! I told him about everything that was going on in my head and somehow, in a matter of minutes, chalked it all up to being anxious. This is such a problem for me. I think most of my issues come from being stressed out.

I was trying to decide if I was showing a lack of self respect by posting so much about my personal life. Then I was trying to decide if I post so much because I'm looking for validation and acceptance from others. Finally, I was trying to decide if ageplay and BDSM were coping mechanisms. At the end of it all, I decided that I have actually benefited quite a bit from being a part of this community. I've learned how to be vulnerable and how to make friends and build deep meaningful relationships with people. I've helped other people by sharing my own experiences and I've learned a lot about who I am. This isn't a negative thing.

I also decided that things are very noisy and distracting in my kinky world. I let everyone in, no matter what, and I try to please everyone, which isn't healthy. In the end, I end up hurting people and myself by spreading myself too thin and giving in to people who don't deserve my time or energy. I think I need to dial it down a bit. I've been considering starting up a second profile for people who I consider true friends so that I can follow the people that -I- want to follow.

Things are going to change this year. I'm looking forward to seeing how everything works out. I feel like my life is going to be richer for it.

We've Got To Break Up (Song)

Sad face. Still struggling....

.....but Tom, we CAN survive.

Muchy Munch and a Punishment

Daddy and I had our Ageplay munch last night. It went really well. LilPolarBear came as well as one other ageplayer. There was a lot of interesting discussion about being yourself and how to deal with family as well as some silliness with the soda bottles. LilPolarBear and I decided that we could hear the ocean in the bottles but they didn't make very good binoculars. *giggles* I wish more people would come because we always have a great time. We've probably met about 50 people from the area through this munch. Can you imagine how great it would be if all 50 of those people showed up at once? It would be amazing!

This morning, Daddy and I had some really nice sexy time. It felt so romantic and close and sensual and sexy. I really enjoyed it. It's exactly what I needed. At the end, Daddy flipped me onto my knees and said that he knew about me touching my cuddleslut inappropriately. *pout* And then he spanked me. *poutypout* I told him that I wouldn't touch people like that anymore. I'd only touch Daddy like that from now on. I guess I'll just have to make SUPER sure that my cuddleslut doesn't tell.

My Cuddleslut and Moving

I played with my cuddleslut again the other night. Originally, I was planning on having some romantic vanilla type sex with the Tomhead. I set up candles and sprayed a sensual pillow mist on the bed, but things didn't quite go that way, which is more than fine. Instead, I twisted and tugged on my cuddleslut's nipples, played with his boy bits, and then got the idea of using the candles on him too. That was fun. I haven't done wax play on him in a long time. Then he whispered to me that he told on me, that he told Daddy what I did to him. My little brain got scared and then angry. I told him not to tell! Now I'M going to get in trouble. I had to punish him.....so I spanked him and made him promise to keep everything a secret from now on.

This idea is forming into quite the fantasy. I imagined Daddy confronting me about it and punishing me for it. I imagined him telling me that if I could do adult things to other people, he could start treating me more like an adult too. In my fantasy, he would start stretching me out with toys or using me more and using me harder. I incorporated things from this story into my fantasy. It's super hot, albeit taboo!

In other news, the move is officially happening on January 2nd. I was offered my old job back at the hospital with a dollar raise, which is pretty awesome. I'm planning on spending the next year working on myself....getting my finances in order, my health in order, my weight in check, and my head in a good place. I have good feelings about the coming year. I'm still dating Tom, of course. We'll visit each other like we did before. I'm looking forward to doing the things that we used to enjoy together like rollerblading one the bike path, swimming in the lake, hiking, and tubing. I'm trying to stay positive about it all.

I've been wearing diders a lot since I'm working from home now. It's comforting amidst all of this emotional turmoil. Brings me back to a simpler, easier, happier time. I'm starting to run out of them though, which is kinda sad. Because I've been using them so often, I almost peed my pants today! Sometimes I forget that I have to hold it in when I wear them a lot. I'm hoping that I'll still find ways to be little when I move. I'm sure I will. It's a part of who I am, not something that I can deny.

Baby Crazy, ACA, and Budget

Sooooo.....I have to admit that I'm feeling baby crazy again. I go through periods of this every now and then. I know that it's probably hormones but it doesn't make it any better. I want to be a mother RIGHT NOW. I keep seeing pictures on Facebook of my cousins and past schoolmates having kids and all I can think is "I wish that were me." Then there's Pinterest with all of those cute ideas of what to do with kids and articles in magazines about how to deal with temper tantrums and how to raise healthy children. I know that it will happen eventually and I'm actually pretty ok with the fact that I'm not a mother right now. I'm not quite ready yet. I do hope that it happens within the next 2 to 4 years though.

I started reading the Adult Children of Alcoholics book this morning. I don't really like the voice of the author so far but I get what he's trying to say. Sometimes he sounds very religious or cult-ish in a way but I know that's not what he's going for. He mentions being proud to be an "adult child," the term used to identify someone who grew up in a dysfunctional or alcoholic family. I know that he means people take pride in the fact that they survived and overcame these challenges and that they feel a sense of community with others who come from the same background but I don't like that it feels like a club. Anyway, I'm hoping that this book will help teach me how to recognize thought patterns and change them. I hope that it doesn't teach me how to use my past as a crutch or excuse. That's certainly not what I'm after.

I've been struggling with my budget lately (big surprise) but I think I figured out a clever way to fix my problem. I'm going to leave my things here in Albany in my room and only bring up the things that I need. I can strap the mattress to the top of Tom or J's car, throw a rack on the back for my bike, and fill both of our cars up with the rest of the stuff. I'll put my futon in the basement to keep it safe from Tom's cats and it will be a good place for Tom and I to sleep when I come to visit. I'll come back for the other stuff later when I have a bit more money. I had Tom look at my budget for the rest of the year and he gave me a nod and a "you go girl," which felt fantastic.

Sinking In

I'm having a really hard time figuring out how I'm going to pay for things this month. The move is going to cost a lot of money, not to mention the speeding ticket and Christmas shopping that I still have to take care of, and I still have to pay all of my other bills too. I'm sure I'll figure it out. I always do. It's just stressful. I think I have to change up my budget for the next year as well. Right now, I have all of my extra money going towards debt, which doesn't leave any room for doctor's visits, dealing with car problems, travel money, and things of that nature. Not sure how much to put aside for that. I think I'll have to get some advice from Tom. I'm considering getting a second part time job to help pay for things but I want to make sure that I leave enough time in my week for going to the gym, doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, travel, and down time.

The fact that I'm moving is just settling in now. I've been so distracted by planning and visions of the future that I haven't considered what it means for right now. I know this is silly but I'm afraid that people will forget about me in VT. It feels so far away from everything. I'm also afraid that I won't have enough money or time off to visit people. The good thing is, these negative thoughts are balanced out with positive ones. I'm excited about going to the beach with Tom when he visits, and rollerblading, hiking, and rock climbing too, just like we used to do. I'm excited about getting all of my medical things taken care of and some of my debt taken care of. I'm excited about getting to know Andrea and Frankie better and what might happen AFTER this year is over.

I keep thinking about my future family and it makes me a bit weepy. I feel like it's finally within reach. It's the first time that I've been able to talk about it with someone without having roadblocks thrown up immediately. I feel like working from home has given me a taste of what it might be like to be a mother. I've been doing things around the house like laundry, cleaning, and cooking. I've also been snuggling with my kitties, which sometimes feels like snuggling with children. I'll be rubbing the belly of the little one so that he won't fight with the older one. Seems similar to bottle feeding a little one while snuggling with an older one. I'll tell ya, keeping Calvin out of trouble is an all day challenge! Hehe. I love it. I feel like I'm meant to be a mom. It feels so right. Makes me wonder how serious Andrea was when she asked me to be a housewife. I think that would be a dream come true for me.



I love this picture. They all look so happy!

I ended up setting up a "board of dreams." I printed out pictures of all the things that I'd like to accomplish over the next couple of years and pinned them to my bulletin board. I kinda sorta believe in the idea that the universe will guide you and provide you with all that you need. If you put energy towards the things you want and need in life, you'll be more likely to get them. It can't hurt to try and it makes me happy to look at the board. Keeps me motivated. Keeps me feeling strong. Reminds me that my dreams are attainable.

I found an Adult Children of Alcoholics group that meets on Tuesday evenings in Burlington. I'll probably be able to do that every other Tuesday with the way my schedule works. I'm considering asking Amber if she wants to go rock climbing every other Thursday with me. I think I'm going to need to set up a schedule in order to get everything done. I wish I didn't have to wait to get started on everything. I kinda just want to get the move over with. I've decided to get started on the things that I can....like weight loss and money management. Yay!

My Cuddle Slave, News, and Butt Stuff

Tom and I talked about the fact that I don't really enjoy topping him. It's not who I am and I have to disconnect from him in order to do it. Then I end up resenting him afterwards, which is kind of a horrible feeling. We ended up figuring out a way for it to work though. He suggested that I top him while I'm little, so I tried it. He turned into my cuddle slave for the evening, a gift from Daddy to play with.

I'll admit, my thoughts are pretty taboo here. You can't say I never warned you. I ended up doing the same things to my cuddle slave as my daddy would do to me....you know, telling him to keep it a secret, perhaps threatening him a little to scare him into keeping a secret, being mean to him, telling him to be quiet or someone would hear, and doing fun sexy things that Daddy taught me to do to him. It was super hot and a lot of fun. I think it's still going to take some work to get into that headspace but it's doable. The funny thing is, I seem to be more mean when I'm little. Poor Tom.

The other day, Onii took me from behind in my secret spot. I absolutely LOVE that, which I'm embarrassed to admit. I think it's super hot and, even when it hurts, feels fantastic. I was left all sorts of horny and unsatisfied so when I got home from visiting him, I played with myself A LOT. It got harder and harder to cum each time because I was using my buzzy toy but the orgasms grew in intensity, which I though was interesting. When I told Tom about liking things in my secret spot, he took that idea and ran with it. He ended up treating me like a patient last night and put a plug in me, "for medical reasons." I found that if he lightly spanked my bottom with the plug in, I could almost cum. I was super surprised.

In other news.....I'm moving back to Vermont. Things just didn't work out between Tom's wife and I. It's really sad but I'm glad we figured this out before buying a house together. The move in date is set for December 30th and I start back at my old job on January 7th. It's going to be tough but I have big plans for the coming year. I really want to get my life in order so that I can sorta settle down and start a family.

Lastly, and most exciting, Andrea and I are officially girlfriends. Squeeee!!! *happy dance* I love her so much. We are alike in so many ways and I'm learning a lot from her. We've talked a lot about our future and what it might look like and I'm super excited about it!