Tattoo?

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo for quite some time now. I want it to be meaningful and somewhat unique. I'm not sure exactly what I should get or where. I've got some ideas but none of them are fully formed.

I know that I want it to speak for "No Regrets," "You only live once," "Live life, love life," "Love hard", "Love like crazy," etc. Maybe it will have these words or maybe it will just represent them. I've been fighting to be who I am for so long and I'm not giving up this fight. I love my life and I don't care what other people think of it.

I've been considering the idea of a tree or some sort of patchwork that incorporates the BDSM symbol, the ageplay symbol, the poly symbol, etc. I'm afraid of getting something big though. I think I eventually want something big but since this is my first tattoo, I'm tempted to go with something small to see how I feel about it first. The tree below is gorgeous but HUGE and therefore terrifying but it's a good example of what I'm thinking of.

Or I could start small with something like this...

I love this one but I'm afraid of how it might impact my career. Visible tattoos can sometimes be a problem. ....and it doesn't have that uniqueness to it.

One more example of a tree that I love. Maybe I could do this on a small scale on my chest....framed in a circle....with the symbols hidden in the limbs. My girlfriend has a triskelion on her chest and I like the look and placement of it.

What are your thoughts on tattoos? Placement? Finding an artist? Regrets or no regrets about your own tattoos?

Buzz and Woody

Bringing Sexy Back

I'm glad that just plain old adult diapers are sexy in the circles I run in.

What It Is That I Do

What it is that I do isn't about whips and chains.
What it is that I do isn't about belts and floggers.
What it is that I do isn't about needles and hooks.
What it is that I do isn't about bubbles and diapers.

What it is that I do is about love and community.
What it is that I do is about supportive relationships.
What it is that I do is about education and learning.
What it is that I do is about accepting each other.

I'm passionate about this. Why? Because I know that the people around me care about me. And I care about them. And this is a safe environment where everyone can be themselves. And where everyone can learn to love themselves. And when you love yourself, you can love other people for the right reasons. And relationships grow stronger. We are genuine and honest with each other. There is no shame here. We are real. For many of us, this is more real than it's ever been and as real as it gets. We can trust that there are no secrets. There's nothing to hide. It's raw and wild and electric. The energy is palpable. It's amazing. Our relationship breaths like a living thing. There's nothing else like it. I wish more people understood this. 

Catching Up

I haven't been writing because I've been so busy but I realized that I don't have to write about ALL THE THINGS. I can just start from right now and keep on going. Feels a lot less stressful that way. I was starting to get overwhelmed by the number of things that I "needed" to write about. I don't NEED to write though.

I ended up officially getting the supervisor position at work. That has been going very well but it's also keeping me quite busy. With 34 employees under me, all speaking different languages and coming from different cultures, it's a challenge. I'm excelling though, which feels fantastic. This new position takes up a lot of my time. Between going to meetings, classes, and dealing with issues that pop up towards the end of my shift, I work a lot of hours. I love my job though. I get a lot of satisfaction out of it. I received a significant raise with the promotion too, which has been helpful.

I've been going to a lot of doctor's appointments lately, trying to catch up on some medical issues that were being put off. I'll be having "tarsal tunnel" surgery on my foot in June. I'll be in a  boot for 2 weeks. I'm very nervous about having to go under. It's strange to think about not having any control of my own body and my surroundings. I'm excited about not having to deal with the pain anymore though.

Ijoined a Couch to 5k program at work and I'll be running a 5k in Plattsburgh, NY. It will be my first race ever. I'm excited! Wish me luck!

My poly life has been full of excitement. I started dating LilPolarBear a couple of months ago. Trying to figure out how to navigate poly relationships now that things have started getting a little more complicated. There isn't a whole lot of support out there for these sorts of relationships. Every situation is so different and every relationship within a poly circle is different. Things are happy though so that's great.

We had another Littles Invasion this month. Our last one was in December so it had been a while. It was a great Invasion although a bit frustrating since the space was triple booked. We were really fighting for rooms to start activities in. The folks at The Society were sweet though and threw a sundae party for us. That was a lot of fun!

Looking forward to camp next week. Packing everything up on Friday and taking off on Saturday. I can't wait. I submitted 2 different kidnapping ideas. One of them is a big gang bang rape scene. The other one is basically a series of rough take downs. I am in serious need of an intense sort of pain or thug play scene. Really looking forward to camp for the vacation part of it.....no schedule. Yes!

Happy May!

Evian

Love!

We Are Never Doing That Together

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EHI7nCeyetk

Hehe! Not a big fan of this song but the parody is awesome, especially the ending!

How NOT to Treat People (Unless They're a "Little")

From Youtube: "What if we treated our friends how we treated our children? Watch this video to see ways we disrespect and belittle children, ways we disconnect with them and harm our relationships."

I'm Gonna Pop Some Tabs

Awesome!!!!

Stability

Wow! Life has been crazy lately. I'm so happy about it though. My job is going so super splendidly well. I was told by my manager that they are officially offering me the supervisors position. I have to wait until mid March to get the salary increase and schedule change but I feel like a weight has been lifted. She said that it was refreshing to have me in this position and that she doesn't see any of the weaknesses that my previous boss mentioned. Yay! *happy dances*

I didn't end up going to the dinner with my family. My dad, stepmom, and one of my sisters were pretty upset about it but I think that it was the right thing for me to do. My dad and I definitely still need to talk. There's no doubt about that. I think I need to get serious with him though and tell him how I really feel about all of this. No more sugar coating and fluffing to avoid discomfort. It just prolongs the pain and makes things unclear. I feel like we've both been putting on a sort of show. It's time to just put everything on the table and hash it out.

The weekend that I was supposed to go to my dads, I went to visit Tom instead. It ended up being a super awesome weekend. On Saturday, we bundled up head to toe and went snowshoeing after sharing a Valentines Day lunch of Indian food. While snowshoeing we saw a group of 3 deer walking through the woods. It was amazing to watch them. They were so close to us. We stood there quietly watching them until they were gone over the hill.

The next day, LilPolarBear came to visit and we went sledding. We got a couple of good runs in before the 2 tubes died on us. While Tom was bringing one of the sleds back to the car, Josh and I looked at the clouds and tried to find shapes. Then we tried to scoot along on the sleds, 'cause we were little and being silly. I'm sure that it looked REALLY dirty to any onlookers but that didn't cross my mind until afterwards. When Tom returned, we headed to the park at the bottom of the hill. I have to tell you, going down slides that are covered in snow with snow pants on......SUPER fun! It's so fast! The old school merry-go-round was awesome too. Tom was a sweetheart and spun it for us. SO much fun!

After sledding, we went to the ageplay munch where we met a cool Canadian wearing a cookie monster shirt. There was some great conversation and an awesome game of Spot It. I think this is my new favorite game. Definitely coming with us to all future littles munches....and maybe the Invasion too. After the munch, we did some roleplaying....and not the dirty kind. I finally decided to join the game and discovered that it's actually a lot of fun. Hurray!

Last weekend, Andrea came to visit. We chatted and chatted and then went to bed. When we woke up, we chatted and chatted and chatted some more. We're really good at talking. It felt so warm and comfortable and smooshy. She brought me some SUPER gorgeous flowers for Valentines Day and the baby Tinkerbell doll that XBBX brought back for me from Disney.

On the responsible adult side of things, I've built my debt chain up to 13 links. Tom gave me a link for Valentines Day, which was super romantic. Hehe. I've started taking anti-anxiety meds, which should help me out a lot. I also have an appointment with a surgeon next month to talk about getting my feet fixed up. I'm also taking an awesome allergy med, which really seems to be helping a lot. So hurray for all of that!

So life is going very smoothly. My relationships are awesome. My job is awesome. My health is getting there. I'm excited. :-)

Noise

For the last couple of weeks, I've been full speed ahead at work. I've been hyper focused on it while neglecting other areas of my life. These other areas of my life are important too though and deserve just as much time, if not more. I've been feeling good, accomplishing things, moving forward, and didn't notice the fact that I was dropping the ball on some things. I feel like I'm trying to juggle too many balls at once and some of those balls are starting to fall down. All I want to do is duck and cover so I don't get hit. My world feels noisy and loud and busy all of a sudden. I'm not following through on some obligations. I think that, in order to keep from disappointing people, I'm going to have to be honest with myself and to them. I just can't juggle all of those balls anymore. Either that or I'll have to become a better choreographer. Hopefully exhaustion doesn't take over and cause all of the balls to come crashing down.

Next weekend, my dad is hosting a dinner for my 2 sisters and I. It's a celebratory dinner for my promotion and my 2 sisters' engagements. The 2 fiances have been invited but Tom has not been. I want to ask my dad if he can come too but I have a feeling that he's not welcome. When I mentioned this to my sister, she said that Tom wasn't invited for a reason and "Don't make things awkward." This angers me. I'm left with several questions now. Do I ask my dad if Tom can come? If I do ask and he says no, do I go to the dinner alone or not go at all? Should I just bring Tom along with me without asking and make a bold statement? 

I'm feeling less and less tolerant of my family's close mindedness these days. I want to make a stand. The problem is, this is likely to come off as being selfish. I'm not trying to steal the limelight here. I'm just trying to be treated fairly. I deserve that. I haven't done anything wrong. I feel that it's important to stand up for what you believe in and stand up for your partner. It's natural that, at some point in your life, you break off from your parents and form your own life, form your own relationships, and stand behind your partner(s) in your mutual beliefs.

What would you do?

In response to the comment:


My dad and I have had several conversations about Tom and my lifestyle choices. My father refuses to accept the fact that polyamory has nothing to do with cheating. He is convinced that Tom is cheating on his wife by being with me despite the fact that the 3 of us have lived together for the last year and a half. He told me that if Tom and I ever had kids, he doesn't think he could be a part of their lives.

My dad has told me why he feels this way. My mother cheated on my dad with my stepfather. My dad was obviously very hurt by this. I understand his pain. This situation is nothing like that though and he refuses to open his mind to that possibility. He's flabbergasted that I would even consider living my life in a way that he doesn't approve of.

I suppose I could just ask him if Tom is welcome but I can see him being angry that I would ask knowing how he feels about it all. Still need to decide whether or not I'm going to go to the dinner if he says no though.

Busy Busy Busy

I have been so busy lately. My last post was about playing the office politics game. Turns out I didn't have to do that. I ended up being offered the supervisor position. I'm sort of on a probationary period for the first 60 days, which will give me the chance to decide if I want to stay in the position and give them the chance to decide if I'm good at it or not. I'm loving the position so far and I think I'm going to do well at it. Right now, I feel like my job consists of going to meetings, which means I need to get everything else done at home. So I've been staying very busy.

There are so many great things about this position. I get my own office. I'll gain experience in timekeeping, hiring, firing, and managing 30 employees. I'll get every weekend and holiday off. And I'll get paid more money. And when I say more money, I don't just mean in my weekly paychecks. I'll be getting a sign on bonus and a holiday bonus as well. More money means faster debt payoff. Yes!

I'm planning on building a debt chain to visually represent my debt. Each $100 paid towards debt equals one link. Looking forward to forming my first link. I should be able to create my first three links by the end of next week.


Tom came to visit me last weekend. We had a great time. We ended up going downhill skiing on Saturday, which I've never done before. I took a 2 hour lesson and then hit the slopes. Sports and outdoor activities seem to come naturally to me. I was very comfortable on the skis. Looking forward to going again. We also went to see a movie together, had some very meaningful discussion, and shared a little scene.

Went to the dentist today for some emergency work. My tongue was being shredded by a broken filling. Best dentist experience EVER! There was no pain AT ALL. I usually hate going to the dentist. This time was different though. The receptionist, assistant, and dentist were all super friendly and funny. At the end of it all, they even let me choose a toy! Hehe. I picked out a pink bouncy ball. I think I'm going to feel much better about seeing the dentist in the future. I have another appointment at the end of the month.

Had some car battery trouble last week when it was really cold. The car just wouldn't start on several occasions. I ended up having to get a new battery. I feel better now that I don't have to worry about whether or not my car will start but emergencies like this don't help me save up money.

On the plus side, I figured out some yummy recipes that are super cheap. I can probably eat for the entire week on $30 if I really wanted to. I find myself going back to the store occasionally throughout the week for random things like Ambesol, popsicles (for my swollen tongue), and cat food though.

Haven't been little much lately. My head just hasn't been in the right space for it. It's not really a bad thing since I'm getting a lot of stuff done. I hope I'll have the chance to be little again sometime soon though.

Living Like No One Else

Well, I've been in Vermont for about 2 weeks now. Things are going reasonably well. Picking things up at work like I never left, which is great. I keep telling people that it's like riding a bike. It's comforting to have a reliable job with good pay and health insurance. I've been struggling with that for the last year, trying to forge a new path in the dog grooming world. I'll probably revisit the dog grooming avenue in the future when I'm a little more financially secure.

I'm learning that there's a lot more office politics going on these days. I don't want to do it but I think I'm going to have to play the game in order to get ahead. I have plans of moving up. Hoping it will happen sooner rather than later. I spoke to the manager about taking the open supervisor position and she said that she thinks I'm too "nice." I plan on pointing out to her that I boosted surface testing scores when I was working here last and had a hand in firing several problem employees. You win more flies with sugar than with vinegar. If I can't get what I need out of my employees by being sweet, I'm not afraid to get serious with them. I'm a little concerned about having to choose sides between my catty cliquey coworkers and the supervisor but I know that it's best for me and the department. It's time to put on my big girl panties.

If the conversation with my boss about my accomplishments doesn't have the impact that I'm hoping for, I'll come up with some measurable goals to present to her. Otherwise, she won't be able to see my progress. Surface testing scores are down again since I left so maybe I'll work on getting them back up as a goal. I'm not backing down on this. She'll see just how determined I am. I've already signed up for 2 leadership classes during my off hours. The next step would be to move to day shift where I would be more visible to her and more able to shadow the supervisors. This is my last resort since I'd have to take a bit of a pay cut to do that.

Things are going to get tight with money over the next couple of years. I'm going to live like no one else so that later, I can live like no one else. Not spending a penny unless it's necessary and earning wherever I can. I'm going to knock out this debt, get a good emergency fund built up, and then start saving for a house. I don't think I'll actually purchase a house until I have the full amount in the bank. I'll pay with cash. From there, I'll invest....maybe in real estate, maybe in mutual funds....we'll see. Looking forward to living stress free. Having said that, I have budgeted for 2 trips...one to Camp Crucible and one to Disney World in January. They're like stepping stone things to look forward to. My big goals are far away so I need something a little closer to home to keep me going.

February is the month of health reform for me. I have appointments set up for the dentist, gynecologist, therapist, podiatrist, and allergist. Looking forward to getting rid of some of my health issues. Looking forward to getting healthy. I'm also considering signing up for some free classes on weight management. They'll take my measurements (including cholesterol, blood sugar, and blood pressure) at the beginning of the 7 week class and then again at the end. It's twice a week for about 2 hours, which is doable. I guess they'll talk about food and nutrients and exercise and things like that.

Finally, I think I might sign up for platelet donation again. I haven't done this in a while. I might also try to find a local hiking group in the area. The busier I stay, the happier I'll be, the easier it will be to accomplish my goals, and the faster the time will go by.

Sleepover Weekend!

I went to visit Daddy this past weekend. I had Friday off from work so I went up Thursday night. Spent most of the day Friday and Saturday morning doing laundry and work-at-home stuff. Daddy was picking on me for only bringing my teddy, blanket, and vibrator. All of my clothes were in a separate laundry basket though. Silly Daddy!

Saturday evening, LilPolarBear came to visit! As soon as he got in the door, it was little time. We took out the kiddie plates and utensils, bottles, and bibs for a dinner of dinosaur chicken nuggets, broccoli, and shapes spaghetti-o's. I made sure to pick up some fruit punch and grape juice as well. After dinner, it was time for some diaper changes and Rock Band. When it was time for bed, we put the bed rail up on the futon so that LilPolarBear wouldn't fall out. It took a while to fall asleep, as usual, because we couldn't stop talking.

                                     

Saturday was super duper awesome! We made chocolate chip pancakes and sausage for breakfast and then settled down for some coloring and  "My Neighbor Totoro." I loved it! The same director is responsible for Ponyo, another favorite of mine. 

After that, we went roller skating! I didn't have my roller blades so I rented skates. It felt so strange to use skates but it was a lot of fun. Using skates is different because the brake is on the front instead of the back and it's harder to turn. It's easier to do "tricks" though. After skating, it was munchy time. We were just about to leave when 2 people showed up. Hurray! I'm glad we didn't miss them. Mrs Koala enjoyed her peanuts while we chatted about all sorts of things.

After the munch, Daddy took a nap while PolarBear and I went out for some Cold Stone Creamery. We had some really great conversation about relationships, psychology, and life in general. When we got home, we created a Rock Band band called the deatH Littles. Daddy and PolarBear found some crazy costumes including monocles, skull belt buckle/cod piece things, and spikes. Once the band was created, we decided to play upside down for a while, which is not as difficult as you might imagine. Hehe!

Eventually it was time to say goodbye. It was really hard to say goodbye. Daddy made it a bit easier by doing some embarrassing things like having PolarBear go potty before leaving and putting smershmallows in my bottom. *blushes* Anyway, it was a really great weekend. Hopefully we'll get to have another sleepover soon.

The Christmas Catch Up

The holidays are over with. Happy to say I made it to the other side. 

Tom and Jenny and I went to Tom's brother's house for Christmas dinner on my birthday. On the way there, we stopped to get an apple pie from McDonalds, a birthday tradition for me. Growing up, we were always travelling on my birthday so it was often celebrated with a cake later in the week but we'd always share an apple pie together on my actual birth date. Thank you Tom, for keeping that tradition alive!

The dinner with Tom's family went well. I was worried about it because it was the first time that I met some them and they were only recently told that Tom is poly. I got to shoot an air rifle with the brothers, which was a lot of fun. I'm glad I went out with them. It was a great opportunity for us to get to know each other a little better and for them to see that I'm not threatening. We had a polish dinner with sausage, pierogies, and saur kraut. They shared an awesome polish tradition of breaking bread, or oplatek, together. It's a religious tradition, but I loved the idea of the oplatek being broken between families that are far apart in miles. It allows loved ones to, in essence, share a meal together. I got to celebrate my birthday with them too, which was nice.

The next day, I celebrated Christmas with Andrea and her family. Their family celebrates it open door style, if that makes any sense. People were in and out all night. I mostly tried to stay out of the way. Got to snuggle with Andrea and her new baby niece, which was fun. I also got to eat some super yummy Tortiere, lasagna, and pumpkin whoopie pies. Tortiere is a tradition that I'm used to. Mmm... Andrea's mom seemed to be super accepting. She gave me a hug and a kiss when it was time to go.

Next came our own Christmas at home. Daddy let me make chocolate chip cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve. We watched him go from place to place on the NORAD Santa Tracker while the cookies were baking. Unfortunately, little girls aren't very good at making cookies. The end result tasted great but looked horrible. By the time the cookies were done, it was almost midnight so we hurried to bed, nervous that Santa wouldn't come if we were still awake. The next morning, we woke up and opened presents together and then watched the Rockettes. Later in the day, we made some of the best tasting Chicken Korma and Samosas ever. 

I spent the next 3 days packing and organizing and trying to get over the allergies caused by turning up so much dust. On Saturday, Tom and I packed everything we could into his car and mine before heading out to our Albany friend's Christmas shindig. We ate, played Rock Band, and were merry. Then it was time to head up to VT. The drive, which should have been 3 hours, took 5 due to the weather but we finally made it. Sunday was spent unpacking the cars and sharing Christmas with my mom and sisters. We had a traditional turkey meal and shared gifts and a good movie.

So now I'm in VT and Tom is in NY. We're both pretty sad about it but I know that the pain will ease in time. I'm trying to focus on the amount of debt that I'll be getting rid of by doing this and about how much I'll be able to accomplish with a steady work schedule and health insurance. Who knows what will happen after the year is up? Tom and I are planning on Skyping a lot. We spent 3 hours together on Skype, bringing in the New Year, which was really nice. I know that everything will be fine. So here's to successful new year! Huzzah!