Centered Again

Posting unpublished blog entries. These feelings wouldn't last long.

Progé and I were having a delightful time together and then we both had major life changes back to back. It kind of derailed things for a while. I had my baby so it took some time to get into the swing of things as a new mom and then Progé had his family staying with him for a couple of months. During that time, I wasn't able to devote as much time and energy into being a good submissive. I started really beating myself up about it and my self esteem tanked. I started feeling angry about having to choose between my kids and being a good submissive. It felt like I had to choose between my kids and my inner core self. How could I be a good mom if -I- didn't exist anymore? Because of course I'd choose my kids first. In a way, I was mourning the loss of me....under the influence of a flood of hormones, which made it all extra emotional. I was angry at myself for not being able to do it all. I shouldn't HAVE to choose. I'm a warrior and I should be able to do all the things. But I realize that this is an unrealistic expectation to place on myself.

In addition to feeling angry about having to make this choice, I had a very negative script running through the back of my mind. If I can't do what I'm supposed to do as a submissive and put my needs aside for my master, I'm nothing. I have no value. All of the porn that I had been looking at for the last few months had been sinking in and quietly creating a new inner monologue. It felt like I had been brainwashed and I couldn't shake the thoughts. It was really scary. I didn't feel like I was in control anymore and the thing that allows D/s to work for me is knowing that I have the control to walk away. My submission is a gift. 

I ended up feeling really confused about it all. Was I angry at Progé? Was I angry at myself? Was it even anger that I was feeling? I needed a break. I told Progé that I was done and took the collar off. After a couple of weeks, the hormone haze lifted, I got into a routine with the kids, and I sorted out the thoughts and feelings that I had flooding through my mind. I finally heard what Progé had been saying all along....that we could be whatever we were and that was fine. I also realized that not having contact with my master was not a good thing. There was no intimacy to remind me that things were good and there was hardly any communication anymore. I felt disconnected, which only led to more confusion and frustration.

I feel centered now. I know what Progé and I are together. I who I am. I know what I can offer right now and that I'm no more or less of a person for it. I can recognize when my thoughts and feelings are going rogue. I have spent some time adjusting my expectations of the relationship and of myself. I think I'm on the right path again.

Thoughts About my Relationship

Posting unpublished blog entries. This is where things started to turn around. This is where I started to see how unhealthy the relationship was.

I mentioned recently that being a stay at home mom has made it more difficult for me to be submissive. I end up getting into this loop in my head......good girls submit to anything that is asked of them.....good girls put their own needs aside and attend to their master's needs first......good girls push through pain and discomfort. The tumblr pages that I look at have basically brainwashed me into believing all of these things as gospel. I'm not supposed to have a voice. I'm not allowed opinions or feelings or needs. I'm supposed to be pretty all the time and be at my master's beck and call. If I don't do what I'm told, I'm a failure, even if I can't do what I'm told because I'm being a good mother and homemaker. It's making me crazy to be working so hard and still feel like a failure. All I want to do is serve but I can't and that's frustrating. And because of the Tumblr brainwashing, I have become the submissive who stays quiet and says nothing, even when there's a problem.

That's some really unhealthy thinking. My stepfather was emotionally and verbally abusive. He made me believe that I was not good enough....ever....no matter how hard I tried. I wasn't even deserving of life, in his eyes. I don't want to be that sad, scared little girl again. I'm NOT a failure and I'm not a bad submissive. I say yes more than any other submissive I've ever met, even when I shouldn't. I'm taking care of myself and I'm taking care of my children and my family by saying no when I need to. I have thoughts and feelings that are important and worth hearing. I've lost track of where the real world ends and the fantasy world begins and that's TERRIFYING. The only reason D/s works for me is because I CHOOSE it. It's a gift. Ultimately, I'm in control but I feel out of control right now and that's scary.

Beyond feeling crazy because of the Tumblr brainwashing, I'm worried about the following...

• You like to push people's boundaries. I don't mind it when you push my boundaries but I hate it when you push the boundaries of others without their consent. It's really uncomfortable for me, especially considering that I'm a leader in the community and I teach classes on consent. 
• I have come to fear visiting because I never know what kind of work I'll have in store for me. Will it be a day of cock worship and snuggling, a nice balance of work and relaxation, or a marathon cleaning day that will leave me exhausted and in pain? I worry about my kids. Every time that I've spent a significant amount of time working on something at your place, I've basically neglected the kids and felt really horrible about it. I don't want to do that to them. I also worry about being in pain for the next day or two. Wearing stockings and heels to vacuum a room or mop is no big deal but it's a big deal when I have to wear them ALL DAY. 
• Sometimes I don't feel respected. You often interrupt me when I'm talking or talk to me like I'm an idiot. Other times you make decisions about the day that cause me to be late for things. If I were living with you, with nothing else to do but obey, maybe that would work, but I have other obligations to attend to.
• Part of what I love as a submissive is having clear expectations and being held accountable for crossing the line. The whole point of being submissive is not having to make decisions. I get to shut my brain off for a while and just obey. You always tell me that you're waiting for me to give you control. That is so stressful though because I'm left guessing where the line is and continually failing at finding it or second guessing myself the whole time. I'm constantly chasing approval and it's exhausting.