Keeping It Real

Strong Independent Submissive

I am a strong, smart, independent, worthy, and beautiful woman. I don't need anyone......and yet, I make a damn good slave. I love being told what to do and how to act, I love to be humiliated and hurt and used, and I'm really good at following orders and anticipating needs. How do these things go together? How do I maintain my independence and dignity while being submissive? I feel like I've gained confidence over the last year and I'm more able to stand up for myself. How do I allow someone to treat me so horribly? Why do I WANT to be treated so horribly? I find myself becoming offended by the thought of people telling me what I'm worth and how I should be treated.....and yet, I still crave the pain and humiliation and domination. How do I make this work?

Why do I want this? Well, it turns me on. That's pretty simple. It gives me a sort of release. It takes responsibility off my shoulders for a while. It doesn't mean that I deserve it. I'm CHOOSING it. That's what makes it ok. I believe that submission is a gift. You can NOT tell me what to do and how to act unless I ALLOW you to do so.....it's called consent and if you try anything without consent, you're an asshole. I'm ultimately in control. If you believe that I should be treated with anything less than respect and care, you're not worthy of my time or submission. This is what allows this all to work for me. Sure, I may belong to you, I may be your property, but you better be caring for me as if I'm your most prized possession. Use me long and hard, do what you will with me.....but then take the time to snuggle me up, wipe away the dirt and tears, validate my thoughts and feelings, and keep me safe in life. I want you to want the best for me......because that translates to the best for you down the line. 

In reality, a D/s relationship is symbiotic relationship. It takes two to tango. I will make sure your coffee is served every morning, just the way you like it, and that you don't forget to bring those important papers to your morning meeting, and that you get the best damn blowjob you've ever had in your life, every time I see you, and that you get to pee in my mouth, drag me through the dirt, and call me names if that's what you want.....but I need you to NOT TOUCH MY DAMN NIPPLES!!!! Seriously...and recognize that I need to go play in the sandbox with my kid so I can't be in heels and stockings all day, and my family counts on me to make dinner for them every night, and that I may have more experience than you in certain areas of life so my ideas have worth. Basically, you're NOT the center of the universe, even if I treat you that way. You're not better than me. We're equal in this game. Because it is a game. A game that we may choose to take very seriously but it needs to be played within the confines of real life. 

In conclusion, I think that it IS possible to maintain my dignity while still engaging in a serious and sexy D/s relationship. I just need to be respected and cared for. My Dom and I need to trust each other and keep lines of communication open. Boundaries need to be established. Lines must not be crossed. We both need to want it. With this, a strong, deep, and beautiful D/s relationship can blossom. 

Yes Please!

Wear a Mask

https://vm.tiktok.com/JLSGFj5/

Red Flags

I've done a lot of soul searching over the last 2 years. I've had ZERO interest in anything having to do with kink or ageplay and I don't know why exactly. Being kinky has always been a HUGE part of my identity so if I'm not little or kinky, who am I? Where did this part of me go? Why is it gone? Will it come back? What happened?

At first I thought things had changed because I was busy raising my kids and taking care of my poly family. I had also suffered a late miscarriage of a miracle natural pregnancy, watched my dad die over the course of several days, and had several failed IVF cycles. It was rough for a while. While I believe these things have all played a part in how I've been feeling, there's a lot more to it than that.

I spent most of 2018 in a couple of unhealthy relationships. I'm still trying to process what happened. Boundaries were crossed. Trust was broken. I don't even really know where to begin. I should have read the red flags when the first meeting involved having my panties cut off, being fingered, slapped, and more...all in public. No consent. No talk of boundaries. No getting to know one another first. I was a toy to be played with from the get go. Yes, titillating for sure. Makes for some great wanker material but it isn't a good way to develop a long term trusting relationship. Things only escalated from there.

Early on in our relationship, I told him that I had one boundary....ONE. Don't play with my nipples. They have always been overly sensitive and even more so while pregnant. Nevertheless, he started playing with them at one of the Invasions. All of my friends and family who saw were ready to pounce because even THEY knew that my nipples were off limits but he stopped before they could step in. Another night, he got drunk and pinched my nipples in passing.....hard. I pushed him away and moved to the couch crying. He apologized and laughed it off. Later that night, he did it AGAIN. That was during a VERY intense scene. I was telling him to stop what he was doing because my ears were ringing from being slapped across the face and he wouldn't stop. It was only after I started hitting him in self defense after having my nipples pinched for the second time that he stopped what he was doing and let me go. I should have left then but he apologized the next day and said he'd never do it again. Typical abuser behavior.

As the relationship progressed, I became more and more stressed out. The rules were always changing about what I was allowed and not allowed to do. I was expected to figure it out and be the most submissive that I could be. I would be sent posts from Tumblr about what a good submissive looked like and eventually, I started seeking out those posts myself. I began to believe in them. I wasn't worth anything unless I gave up everything. I wasn't good enough as is either. We would talk about how I was going to lose weight and eventually get a boob job and wear corsets to look even thinner and shave my head.

This man was a user and an abuser. Over the course of our relationship, I watched him use people to paint his house, clean his house, mow his lawn, and more. He told people lies and made promises that he couldn't follow through on to keep the money flowing or to put off having to pay people. He lied about who he was and what he did. He flirted with other girls, saying things and doing things to them physically that obviously bothered them. It was sickening. He could care less about anyone else but he did a great job of making it appear as if he did. He put me and my baby in danger and he put my family in danger in various ways. He pushed the boundaries of friends and strangers alike. I worry about anyone else who falls prey to him.

Immediately after leaving that relationship, I entered into another one with a husband and wife. To the wife, I was a new girlfriend. To the husband, I was just a toy and nobody could ever be as good as his wife. Again with the "not good enough" theme. Insert eye roll here. When will I learn? To be fair, I had not healed from the last hot mess that I had gotten myself into. Anyway, they both used me for their own pleasures. Hot at the time but they weren't all that experienced, IMO, so they hurt me. They wanted more from me than I could deliver because I had a newborn baby at home and a poly family to take care of. I couldn't just drop everything and show up at a moment's notice.That was too much for them and they threw it in my face. That was the end of it all for me. No more.

I was left feeling uneasy, worthless, and used. I gave EVERYTHING that I possibly could and it was never good enough. I was so consumed by the idea of being a "good slave" that I lost myself. I had to convince myself that I wasn't a bad person for leaving these relationships because they were based on a game. The rules weren't real. 

Now, I'm finding myself slightly triggered by D/s. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Even more than that though, I feel like I can't trust myself. I'm an intelligent and experienced player. I've been doing this for 15+ years. How did I let myself get into this mess? How can I be sure that it won't happen again? I can tell you one thing, I'm much more sensitive to the red flags now. Perhaps a little too sensitive. If that's what it takes to keep me safe though, then so be it. All I care about is my family. My babies come first. You mess with my family and you're done.

A New Constellation by Marge Piercy

A new constellation by Marge Piercy

We go intertwined, him and you
and me, her and him, you and her,
each the center of our own circle
of attraction and comopulsion and gravity.
What a constellation we make: I call it
the Matrix. I call it the dancing
family. I call it wheels inside wheels.
Ezekiel did not know he was seeing
the pattern for enduring relationship
in the late twentieth century.

All the rings shine gold as wedding bands
but they are the hoops magicians use
that seem solid and unbroken, yet can slip
into chains of other rings and out.
They are strong enough to hang houses on,
strong enough to serve as cranes, yet
they are open. We fall through each other,
we catch each other, we cling, we flip on.

No one is at the center, but each
is her own center, no one controls
the jangling swing and bounce and merry-
go-round lurching intertangle of this mobile.
We pass through each other trembling
and we pass through each other shrieking
and we pass through each other shimmering.
The circle is neither unbroken
nor broken but living, a molecule attracting
atoms that wants to be a protein,
complex, mortal, able to sustain life,
able to reproduce itself inexactly,
learn and grow.