Sleepy Me

I'm a sleepy baby but I can't sleep. There are too many thinky thoughts in my head.

Super Yummy

I was browsing Pinterest (of all places) and found this picture. Wow! Super sexy. Mmmmm..... the look on his face, the mask, the muscles, the bad boy factor.....

Things To Try

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Babysitting

My little was feeling a bit needy today so I did what I could to make her happy. I dressed in a pull up and onesie and then put some adult clothes on over it. I cooked a pizza and had some cookies and hot chocolate. I lit a candle, turned the lights down low, and snuggled under a blanket to watch Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. It was the perfect movie because it excited my little while still satisfying my adult need for mental stimulation. It felt a little bit like I was babysitting rather than actually being little, if that makes any sense at all. Regardless of what it was, I felt pretty content. Just what I needed. Looking forward to some sleep now.   Ni ni!

Littles Night @ The Society - Halloween Feast

General info

date:	Saturday, October 15, 2011
time:	04:00 PM to 02:00 AM
where:	The Society
address:	806 Windsor Ave Hartford, CT (AVE, not STREET)  map

cost:	$20 to get in ($15 if you are a member)
dress code:	Halloween costume.

Description

Description

On Saturday October 15th there will be a Littles event being held down at the Society in Hartford, Ct. The Society is a fully equipped and comfortable dungeon space and, for that night, the littles will be taking over!

DETAILS

*RSVP is required (unless you are a member of The Society)

*$20 to get in ($15 if you're a member)

*Must be 21 or older to attend

*doors open at 4pm and close at 2am

*If you're planning to sleepover with the Littles you MUST email Ella on Fetlife (look for lil_ella)

DEMO/ACTIVITY

Spooks and spirits and ghosts await, come to the space and learn your fate. The Littles will be having a Halloween party and feast! Dress up in your scariest, cutest, funniest costumes and come join us for the fun. If you want to, carve a pumpkin at home and enter it into the contest. You might just win a prize. Make sure to bring a dish to share....fingers, brains, bloody punch, or eyeballs...whatever suits your fancy. 

As usual there will be a sleepover followed by brunch at a local diner on Sunday. There is plenty of crash space and we always have lots of fun so don't be shy. If you're interested in the sleepover you must email Ella on Fetlife (lil_ella) in order to get on the list.

THINGS TO BRING

*Food dish or snack to share.

*Costume

*Pumpkin (Optional)

*Toys

*Sleeping gear if you're on the sleepover list (air mattress, etc)

THE SOCIETY'S SPACE

A little more about the space... there are many rooms for many different purposes. There will be a room set aside for non-sexual/non-threatening age-play. There might be sexual play in the rest of the space, however, sexual intercourse and oral sex are not allowed. You can wear whatever little clothing you're comfortable in (they've seen diapers before so feel free to wear) or a costume if you'd prefer. Not everyone there will be age-players but expect an open minded environment.

RSVP & CRASH SPACE

There is crash space available for folks that ask me ahead of time, but there are also really cheap hotels in the area too. To get on the guest list, just email Ella on Fetlife (lil_ella) with Littles Night in the subject line and make sure to mention if you'll be needing crash space so I can give you more information.

RIDE-SHARING

I'm hoping that you folks with cars will be willing to do some ride-sharing...please post to this thread if you have space to offer or if you are looking for a ride and I can try to help you coordinate.

It should be a lot of fun and I hope you can make it!

Daddy and Me

I went to visit my Tom Daddy man again this weekend. As I walked into the apartment late Saturday night, the first thing I noticed was a cloth diaper set up for me on the bed. I protested that I was a big girl and could use the potty but Daddy didn't believe me. Good thing I guess because it wasn't long before I was wet. Daddy decided that I couldn't sleep the whole night in a wet dider so he changed me and we fell asleep as I cuddled his koala bear teddy. The next morning, I was wet again. I couldn't help it! Daddy told me not to take my diaper off by myself. I couldn't hold it anymore. He must have thought this was hot because he decided to pull my diaper to the side and have some adult fun with me. *blushes*

Saturday was fun. Tom and I went to look at a potential apartment for his wife and the two of us. Then we went climbing with a friend. I FINALLY made it up one of the walls that has had me stumped since I first started climbing. It was terrifying but completely satisfying. I feel like my fear of swinging when I fall is growing though, which is limiting my ability to climb other walls. Definitely a mental thing that I need to beat. After climbing, we went to dinner with an ageplaying couple, then went to an Apex class on how to be a good dungeon monitor. We were supposed to play after the class but it didn't happen.

The next day, Tom and I had a picnic with friends. We played some kubb, a lawn game that can be described as part horseshoes and part bowling, which was fun. We ate lots of food, played with ice cubes, and made our way around a tree as we ran away from the sun. After the picnic, Tom and I went rollerblading by the river, which we haven't done since last year. I'm definitely out of shape. As we were leaving, we caught some fireworks. It was kind of romantic actually. We ran through the streets of Albany hand in hand and watched the fireworks at the top of the bridge overlooking the river. After the fireworks, we ate dinner at one of my favorite Indian restaurants where I ordered dinner for Tom, and then we went home to watch a movie with ice cream and amaretto. It was a really great day.

Shapes Mac and Cheese

Mmmm.....shapes mac and cheese. Makes me happy. One of my favorite meals as a little. I swear it tastes better than regular mac and cheese. The shapes hold the cheese better! I swear they do!

Disturbing

I followed a link that I found on Fetlife that lead me to one of the most disturbing videos I've ever seen. It was of a solo sexual act gone wrong. I won't share the link or even describe what happened in the video to save you from the images that are now haunting me. I'll only say that the man in the video was hurt very very badly. I nearly passed out when I saw it. I can't stop thinking about it, no matter how much I try. Make it go away!

Littles Night @ The Society - Teddy Bear Picnic

I'm organizing a littles event at The Society in Hartford, CT on Saturday April 16th. The Society is a fully equipped and comfortable dungeon space and for that night the littles will be taking over. The event listing is here if you want to RSVP or you can RSVP by commenting on this post.

DETAILS

*RSVP is required (unless you are a member of The Society)

*$20 to get in ($15 if you're a member)

*Must be 21 or older to attend

*doors open at 4pm and close at 2am

*If you're planning to sleepover with the Littles you MUST RSVP by commenting here, emailing me on Fetlife or at Kasnow86@Aol.com

DEMO/ACTIVITY

The Littles will be having a Teddy Bear Picnic! Bring your blankets and teddies and enjoy a meal with friends. I'll be starting a potluck sign up list for picnic foods. Potato salad, lemonade, cupcakes, sandwiches....what's your fancy? Perhaps you can introduce your bears and tell us their story. Are they just as kinky and perverted as you or do you protect them from those devilish activities? :P

As usual there will be a sleepover followed by brunch at a local diner on Sunday. If you're interested in the sleepover you must RSVP by commenting here, emailing me on Fetlife or at Kasnow86@Aol.com in order to get on the list.

THINGS TO BRING

*Food dish or snack to share (Let us know what you're bringing on the sign up list!)

*Teddy Bear(s)

*Blanket

*Toys

*Sleeping gear if you're on the sleepover list (air mattress, pillows, blankets)

THE SOCIETY'S SPACE

A little more about the space... there are many rooms for many different purposes. There will be a room set aside for non-sexual/non-threatening age-play. In the rest of the space there may be sexual play however sexual intercourse/oral sex are not allowed. You can wear however little clothing you're comfortable in, (they've seen diapers before so feel free to wear) or costume if you'd like. Not everyone there will be age-players but expect an open minded environment.

RSVP and CRASH SPACE

There is crash space available for folks that ask me ahead of time, but there are also really cheap hotels in the area too. To get on the guest list, just RSVP by commenting here, emailing me on Fetlife or at Kasnow86@Aol.com with Littles Night in the subject line and make sure to mention if you'll be needing crash space so I can give you more information.

It should be a lot of fun and I hope most of you can make it! Really! You should come! There are usually around 30 of us there and the number keeps growing. If we get enough people, we'll be changing it to every 2 months instead of every 3 months. So come see!

Breasts

Sooo....I have small breasts. I like my breasts. They don't get in the way. They don't need a lot of support. They work with the whole "little" thing. I've gotten used to them. At the same time, I wish they were a little bigger. I'm talking one size up...a B cup. It's not that I don't like my body the way it is. I could easily go on with life and never give them a second thought. I just think I'd look and feel a little better with bigger breasts. I want to look like a woman. I want to feel sexy. I want to wear pretty bras and lingerie and look good. It's tough being able to find bras that fit properly right now.

My sister said this morning, "why don't you get implants?" I have to admit, I've thought about it before. I'm embarrassed to share this thought though. I feel like there's a bad stigma against getting implants. I think I'd be happier with how I look but I'd be ashamed about the fact that they aren't real. What does everyone else out there think about them? It's not like I'm planning on getting them, just playing with the idea. So what do you think? Has anyone had them done? Does anyone know someone who's had them done? What do you guys think about girls who've had them done? Just curious.

I think this woman is beautiful.

Parts of a Whole

I'm little. That's a known fact. It's part of who I am. It shows up in my personality and in my interests. It's the colorful socks in my drawer, the excitement over going to the movies, and the bouncy happiness that I carry with me all day. At the same time, it's a separate part of who I am. I have my little side and my big side. My big side has to care for the little girl who lives inside. I have to make sure she is well behaved during adult times, that she gets enough love and attention, and that she stays safe. 

It's so strange to think of being little in this way. Sometimes I wonder if I sound crazy talking about my little self as if she's a separate entity but sometimes that's the best way to describe it. I've heard other littles describe themselves in this way so I know I'm not the only one. I wonder if puppies, sissies, ponies, kittens, and all others who are like us have a similar view of themselves. I wonder.

The Little Things

-Day Lillies.....My favorite flower. A visitor walked by with a bouquet of them today and the smell made me so happy.

-Long Johns....I wore my red ones all day today. They were SOOO comfy! It felt like a day long hug.

-Big Trucks.....My landlord hooked a chain to my Jeep today and pulled me out with her truck after I got stuck at the end of the driveway. (Picture above NOT my jeep.)

-Hot Chocolate....Mmmm.

-Sweet sleep in a familiar and comfortable bed.....Goodnight! *Hugs*

An Enema How To

A friend of mine was asking me about enemas. I thought I'd share the info here for those of you who are interested. Please correct me if I'm wrong in any of this. This has worked well for me so far.


You can buy the kit from online or probably a medical supply store in your area. I've never seen them at any kink stores.

The temperature of the water should be 98 to 103 degrees. I like it on the warmer side (101 or above) because it cools down as it travels down the tube.

You CAN use plain water but they say you should add a pinch of salt for every quart of water to keep the PH balanced. A lady once died because she lowered the salt content in her body too much by taking too big of a water enema. Your bowels are VERY absorbent. If you do use salt, make sure to mix the solution well so there aren't any crystals left.  Crystals cause cramps. No big deal but not very comfortable. You can also add things like peppermint or lavender oil. Another thing people will do is use pure castile soap, 1 tsp to 1 tbsp for the bag. I've heard this causes some discomfort.

Our kit came with a douche nozzle and an enema nozzle. The douche nozzle works better. The person should either kneel with their head down (my favorite position) or lay on their side. Before inserting the tube, let the water flow into the sink for a second to remove air bubbles. This is important. I didn't do this the first time and the cramps caused by the air were terrible. I would also recommend keeping the room warm or covering the person in a blanket.

Lube up the person and the tube and insert slowly, not too far but far enough to prevent a lot of leakage. Let the water flow SLOWLY. Stop the flow if there are cramps, let the cramps pass, and start the flow again. You won't be able to take as much for the first enema as you will for the second enema. Take as much as you can the first time and hold it for as long as you can to let things work (5 to 15 minutes). You can get a better cleanse by massaging the belly from the bottom left upwards, across the top of the belly to the right, and down the right side (following the traverse colon).

Empty in the toilet. You can do it in a diaper if you want but I guarantee that it will leak unless you have a REALLY good diaper or you only use a small amount of water.

You can use those Fleet enemas from the store but I think they're terrible and not very intimate. They cause cramps even after you've emptied. I don't recommend them at all. They can still be used in a pinch though....or perhaps as a punishment.

You can make things more fun with enemas by taking the baby's temperature first or reading them a story while letting things work. Daddy always tells me that I need to take the enema so I don't get sick. You could do a whole medical scene with the enema only being a small part if you're not into ageplay. Just have fun with it!

The Road Not Taken

WARNING: GIANT METAPHOR LIES AHEAD

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

and sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveller, long I stood

and looked down one as far as I could

to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

and having perhaps the better claim

because it was grassy and wanted wear;

though as for that, the passing there

had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

in leaves no feet had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --

I took the one less travelled by,

and that has made all the difference

-Robert Frost

I often choose the road less travelled by. It has made my life all the more interesting and fun and I have learned so much about myself, others, and the world as a whole. Dan Miller says that we should live the STORY of our lives. What kind of story do you want your life to tell? What kind of story would be interesting to read? Taking the road less travelled by helps me write an interesting story because fewer people have been down that road.

The problem with taking the route less travelled by is that there are often roadblocks and demons that I have to fight through. The rewards I find along the way are great though, and well worth the fight. I get to see lands that have been untouched by humans....beautiful! I'm often alone though. My family, especially my dad and one of my sisters, are on the straight and well trodden path. I bring back treasures that I find along my path to show them but they don't want to see. They don't trust my path and they think it's the wrong way to go. It makes me sad. Luckily, I'm not always alone on my path. I have met some very wonderful and friendly people who have also chosen this path.

My family and I were talking about holiday get-togethers last night and who should be invited to them. They decided that it was ok for my sister's boyfriends to come but they were not comfortable with me bringing John and DEFINITELY not comfortable with me bringing both. I hadn't planned on bringing anyone but I posed the question anyway for future reference. Their decision made me angry! I understand that poly isn't for them and might even make them uncomfortable but bringing both of my loves is no different than bringing 2 regular friends. *grumble*

Conversations like this make me want to leave my family....just move away and lose contact. They still think that I'm just in a phase and that I'll get over it. They think I'm making wrong decisions in my life. They think I'm going to ruin my children if I bring them up in a poly family. They think I deserve better, that I shouldn't have to share a man's love with other women. They just don't understand. I've decided that my family is tolerant of my alternate lifestyles but not accepting of them. I just have to live my own life and not be bothered by what they say. I can't wait to be closer to those people in my life who ARE accepting.

Naughty Night Before Christmas

Caution Littles! This is NOT G-rated.

Night Before Christmas: Rude Version

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat 

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat 

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook 

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. 

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude 

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube 

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, 

That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. 

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, 

Tore back the shade while she played with herself. 

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, 

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. 

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, 

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. 

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, 

A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. 

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. 

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. 

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, 

Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. 

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, 

Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. 

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, 

Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. 

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, 

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. 

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, 

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. 

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, 

He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. 

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, 

"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile. 

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, 

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. 

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, 

The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. 

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, 

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, 

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. 

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, 

And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. 

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, 

And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. 

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, 

A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. 

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, 

So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." 

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, 

With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. 

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, 

Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. 

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, 

Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" 

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, 

"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

Presents and A Shared Birthday

My sister told me last night that she bought my "little" a gift for Christmas. I was a bit stunned even though she'a done this before. It's under the tree though. I saw it! It says "To Ella" on it. If I remember correctly, she did this last year for me as well. My best friend, who is vanilla, even bought a gift for my "little" one year. I am so thankful that I have so many accepting people in my world. Thank you, thank you!

While on the topic of gifts, I realized yesterday while at work that my birthday is coming up! Ok, so it's still a couple of weeks away, but it's close! I wasn't thinking about the fact that my birthday is in December and it's now December. Oh my goodness! When did that happen? Craziness, I tell you. As a kid, I remember counting down the days until my birthday. Now, it's almost like any other day....almost. That childlike side to me still gets excited. The adult in me is just thinking about accomplishing goals before I'm ancient. It came up at work because one of my coworkers was telling me that their birthday was on December 22nd and then I found out that ANOTHER coworker has that same birthday too. That's 3 of us in the same department! Very unusual and pretty neat. I'm going to be 2....erm, I mean 24. Hehe. Yay!

The Wall

I was feeling lonely this past weekend. John was with Allison and Tom was busy at his place. Nobody was returning my messages. What made things worse was knowing that the "new relationship energy" that Tom and I once shared is gone and John and I had just finished sharing memories past while separating Christmas decorations which was also kind of sad. This all got me thinking about past relationships.

I have, unfortunately, been hurt by quite a few people in my life. These people were friends, family, parents, and significant others. They were people who I was supposed to trust, people who supposedly loved and cared for me. Each one of these people had a hand in building the wall that I now have around my heart. This is starting to sound very dramatic but it's true. If you only knew the stories. Having grass put down my pants by friends in elementary school, being made fun of by my stepfather and teachers in middle school, being lied to and cheated on by boyfriends, being led to believe that my life meant nothing to my parents, and much much more.

I can't believe I'm admitting this to everyone. I'm supposed to be the strong one who has it all together, who is good and kind and loving, who isn't afraid of anything....but I AM afraid and I have a past. I have learned a lot and come a long way from who I was just a few years ago but I still have a lot of work to do. I've come to realize that speaking about these things brings people together because others have had similar experiences and may feel like they're the only ones. Talking about it helps.

I'm afraid of being alone. I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to have close relationships with my friends. I want to share love. But all of these things require trust. Somehow, after all the hurt, I still love people....but I don't trust them....so I can't get close to them. I have let a few people get close to me but then I push them away as soon as I feel the slightest discomfort. I hold them at arms length because I don't want to get hurt again. It's hard to believe that their love is genuine. I tend to believe that they must want something from me or that they're lying to me or that they'll hurt me once I let my guard down. As soon as they get what they want, they'll just throw me away because I'll be all used up to them.

I think the only person who I've ever felt truly connected to on a deep level at one point was John...but then he broke my trust in a HUGE way. I gave him another chance....and he broke my trust AGAIN. Still, I'm here. Third time's a charm, right? But I start to feel myself pull away every now and then. I get angry about what he did and I worry that it will happen again. I felt myself pull away from Tom too. I think it's because I'm afraid he'll find another girl to replace me with.

When it comes to friends, I just never let them get close to begin with. I have TONS of acquaintances and some friends but nobody who I feel really CLOSE to. There's always that wall that separates us. I hate it. I want to trust them and love them and hold them close but I can't. All I feel is that cold wall of mistrust between us. I need to work on breaking down the wall but it's not easy. It's going to take time.

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with love and joy and lots of food!!! What are you thankful for this year? I am thankful for so many things.

- Tom and John

- All of my fabulous friends including the newest addition, Kat

- Socks, Max, Oscar, and Ozzie

- Having a job, an apartment, and a car.

- Ramen soup. :-)

- Having enough freedom to do and be what I want in life.

- Having the best year of my life to date.

So tell me, what are you thankful for?

Advice To You

I feel sad today and maybe even a little bit mad too. I'm not sad for me though. I'm sad for other people. I'm sad for the sad people. I'm sad for the mad people. I'm sad for the lonely and the confused people. I have had the opportunity to talk to A LOT of people over the last few years. I have even had the pleasure of knowing some of them more intimately. The one thing that I've noticed is that there are A LOT of sad, mad, lonely, and confused people out there. What's the deal?

I want to help these people. I want to teach them to be happy and confident. I want to teach them how to meet people and how to love and accept themselves as they are. It's hard though because many of them don't want to do the work. They want what they want now. It just doesn't work that way though. You only get out of it as much as you put in.

I'm lonely. I can't meet a girl who understands me, who likes diapers, who isn't crazy. I might as well stop looking. My advice: First of all, many of your are still in your early 20's. You have just barely broken into the world of adulthood. You have SOOO many years ahead of you. Don't give up now. You've only just begun. You've probably only grazed the surface of possibilities out there. I know it seems like you've searched EVERYWHERE but you haven't. Trust me.

Start going to munches. Start going to places like the Fetish Flea where they have presentations on ageplay. Go to Camp Crucible where there's a whole "littles" cabin. Meet people in person. Once people start seeing your face and start trusting you, you'll get invited to private parties. You can only go so far with online chatting. When you meet people, whether it be online or in person, don't just talk about diapers. Ask questions like "What do you do for fun?" or "What kind of music do you like?" or talk about the latest movie. Show a genuine interest in the person and not just their kink. When it doesn't work out, don't give up. Relax! Seriously....high strung and desperate is not attractive. Build some self-esteem. People are drawn to confidence and cheer.  Just have fun and be yourself and your dream date will walk right in when you least expect it.

I don't like myself. I'm trying to stop being little (for whatever reason). My advice: Learn to accept who you are and love yourself. You're a good person with talents and assets and skills. You have something to offer, no matter who you are. There is nothing wrong with your kink. There are millions of people who are just like you so reach out to them. You can't deny your true self. You're going to be miserable if you pretend that being little or liking diapers isn't a big part of who you are. And just think, you might be missing out on finding the best friend or significant other who is looking for YOU, the REAL you. Learn to love yourself and your world will change. I promise you.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm not satisfied. My advice: Change it! So you hate Christmas or Valentine's Day or Thanksgiving because of consumerism or because it brings up bad memories of the past. You don't have to let those things bother you. Create new memories and traditions. Enjoy the parts that you like about the holiday. So you're unhappy with who you are or what you're doing. Either change the thing that's making you unhappy or look at it in a different light. Happiness is a choice. So it rained on your parade...dance in the rain! So someone made you angry. By letting it bother you, you're only giving your enemy what they want. Just move on. Look forward. The past is done and you can't change it so learn from it and make the future better.

I know it's hard to be happy when you're not or be confident when you're not but it's possible. I always say, lie to yourself! That sounds like terrible advice but hear me out. I used to be miserable. I'm talking suicidally depressed. I had no friends. I was always the wall flower. One day, I got sick of feeling sorry for myself and sitting on the sidelines. So when I was asked to joust at a fundraising event at work, I said yes. I would have NEVER said yes in the past. I was TERRIFIED! I wanted to take it back as soon as the words were out of my mouth. So I lied to myself. "You're not afraid. You're having fun. You're enjoying this." I wasn't REALLY having fun though...at first....but then I actually started having fun! I ended up winning the contest. People were cheering for me. I was thrilled!

That one event was the start of a journey for me. I know it sounds cheesy but it's true. I learned that if I could lie to myself long enough to get through an event, I'd come out the other side seeing that my lies were actually the truth. My confidence level was knocked up one notch after that event. So the next time I was asked to do something similar, I went through the same process and my confidence got knocked up ANOTHER notch. Yes, I've been knocked down before but when that happens, I just remember that I can go back up. This takes time and work. It's scary to do something that you're not comfortable with but you need to push yourself. Once you get through it without harm, you'll feel a little more comfortable doing it again next time until it becomes second nature. The same goes for being happy. If you pretend to be happy long enough, you'll start to feel genuinely happy. LOOK for things that make you happy. CHOOSE happiness.

Now, I'm no expert on the matter but I've come a long way in my life. I don't claim to know everything about this and my advice might not work for everyone but it worked for me in a big way. Life is too short to spend it unhappy and wishing for something different. Live right NOW. Be happy NOW. Stop dreaming about what could be and make it happen....but have fun in the process. Just do it! I realize that I started out this blog by saying I'm sad and then went on to say....don't be sad! But I did something about my sad. I wrote this blog entry and now I'm feeling better. Hopefully it has helped you in some way.

Bad Dreams, Tyra Banks, and Strong Thoughts

I didn't sleep very well last night. I guess the message on the wall was a little more distressing to me than I thought. I kept dreaming that I would walk into that room the next day and there would be an entire letter taped to the wall detailing all of the wild and kinky things that I've done in my life. I dreamed that all of my coworkers were huddled around reading it and when I walked in, they all turned to stare and laugh at me. I was so upset by it that I was considering driving to work in the middle of the night, in my semi-asleep state, to remove the message and the non-existent letter before anyone saw it.

The message is still on the wall. I left it there instead of scratching it out or taking it down. When I first saw it, all I wanted to do was rip it off the wall and vigorously scratch it out with a dark pen. I was angry. I didn't even care if the message was meant for me or not. People should be nice to each other. People shouldn't call each other names or suggest that they don't belong. That makes me so angry! My second thought was to respond to the message with a powerful statement but that didn't seem appropriate either. So I left it there.

I probably would have taken it down right then and there but one of my employees was in the room. I was always told that bullies do what they do because they like to get a reaction (among other reasons). If it was she who wrote the note, I didn't want to show her any kind of emotion. I felt that it would only exacerbate the problem. So I will go to work today and take down the message. I wish I could do something more dramatic though. I wish I could make a statement.

I hate that these things happen. I try to tell people all the time to just be themselves. Don't worry about what other people say. Be comfortable in your own skin. Love yourself. Have confidence in yourself. There's nothing wrong with what you do or who you are. Just be happy. I promise you that if you learn to love yourself and not care so much about what others think, you're life will be so much more enjoyable. There are millions like you so you're not alone. Then something like this happens and people get scared and go into hiding again.

Here's the thing though.....even if I DID walk into a room full of laughing coworkers, I still wouldn't care. I won't deny that I would feel a little scared and hurt but I still wouldn't change who I am or what I do. I wouldn't show shame because I'm not ashamed. I would probably make a joke out of it. I would ask if anyone wanted to see what a flogger feels like....it's an awful lot like a massage! I'd suggest that it's a lot more fun than watching football!!! Maybe once I broke the shell, I'd explain why I do these things.

Humans are herd animals. They will look to those around them to see how they should react. The Tyra show is a perfect example. Watch the audience on the episode with the AB girl. They are nervously looking around trying to figure out how they should react to this person who is making them feel a little uncomfortable. I guarantee you that if Tyra had reacted positively, the audience would have too. Have you ever wondered why some of the stupid youtube videos are so popular? It's probably because people are living vicariously through those who have the guts to actually do the outrageous fun activities that they're doing. So if I react positively and without shame, others will follow suit or, at the very least, stop bothering me because I'm not providing them with the reaction they wanted. So be yourself without fear! Just do it!