Jealousy

I was talking to Tom last night about his interests in a couple of lady friends in his life and I admitted that I was a bit jealous. I told him that I think controlled jealousy is a good thing....."controlled" being the key word. To me, it indicates that you still have an attraction to the other person. It indicates that you still want them. He disagreed. I thought about it some more after hanging up. Then I realized that being happy for your partner is probably better than being jealous. But can someone be happy AND jealous? I don't know. I've argued in the past that jealousy has roots in other feelings such as insecurity, fear, and anger. That means jealousy ISN'T healthy. I continue to go back and forth on the idea though. I was told once by a lady who I respect very much that if I didn't want Tom all to myself, I shouldn't be moving to Albany, whether I was happy with the poly situation or not. Soooo....I'm a little confused.

Holiday Littles Invasion, Yule Party, and Breakfast

This weekend was so wonderful! I drove out to Albany on Saturday morning. Tom and I watched a movie, picked up his car, and did a little shopping before taking off for the Littles Invasion in Hartford, CT.


The Invasion was fantastic! We had a nerf gun war between reindeer and santas. Tom and I were both reindeer and I believe our team won twice. Lots of fun! Chrissy let me borrow her footie pajamas which had mitten-like pockets attached to the arms. I want one of these SOOO badly. That was followed by a secret santa sort of thing. Chrissy had brought a present for me which was a complete surprise. I got some plastic pants, a bib, a minnie mouse, diaper pins, and a cloth diaper. Thank you so much Chrissy! Awesome with awesome sauce!


At one point, Chrissy bound me into the high chair and fed me some baby food. I was kind of embarrassed because people were staring at me but it was still fun. Then SHE got bound in the chair for a while as well as 2 other people. I was also tied up by Tom. I never thought that much of rope until Saturday night. Tom tied me up in a sort of harness with my arms behind my back and then used the rope to manhandle me. He started punching my chest and pushing me around. Gosh, this sounds so dark but it was so hot! We kissed passionately and looked into each others eyes. There was so much love there. I swear I felt more connected with him after that.


The rest of the invasion was mostly spent socializing. I absolutely loved it! I love people SOOO much! I had my little bear stolen by the boys at one point. I chased after them and then got in trouble for snitching on them. *pouts* I swear I didn't snitch!!! Then I listened to a few kids stories and helped turn them into kinky adult stories. "Bump! Bump! Bump! Did you ever ride a Wump? We have a Wump with just one hump. But we know a man called Mr. Gump. Mr. Gump has a seven hump Wump. So... if you like to go Bump! Bump! just jump on the hump of the Wump of Mr. Gump." Just use your imagination.


Soon it was time for bed. I changed Chrissy, Napper, and Tommy and got Tommy all bound up for bed. The next morning, Tom and I headed out before breakfast so we could make it in time for the holiday yule party at his friend's house. The party was fun too. We played a Wii game were you had to protect the castle from little stick figures by picking them up and throwing them. We ate food. We snuggled and hugged. It was awesome! Have I mentioned that I love people? I really want to move to Albany to be closer to these people.


After the party, Tom and I headed back to Vermont for my birthday get together thingy. We were chatting on the CB radio most of the time to stay entertained since we were in separate cars. It's easy to forget that there are other people listening when nobody else is talking though. Tom had me singing the "What, what, in the butt" song which apparently annoyed another driver. We were asked to switch stations. Oops! My birthday thing was pretty good. We had chinese food and cake. I got a Barnes and Noble gift card and a sewing machine. When Tom and I got home, he showed me the gift that he got me. It was a hitachi wand. OH MY GOD!!! AHHHHH! There are no words to describe the wonder that is the hitachi wand. I was in heaven.


On Monday, we had breakfast with John and his sweetie. It was the first time that John and Tom had ever met. It wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it would be. I would say that it was a success. I'm curious to find out what John thinks. After that, Tom and I watched Tangled in the theater, which was a great movie, and then we went rock climbing. I finally got past a troublesome overhang that was keeping me down. Then I found another troublesome wall that had me beat. I'll get to it one of these days. Tom ended up buying a 10 punch climbing pass for me for Christmas which almost had me in tears.


Just before Tom left, I put him in some HUGE diapers and teased him a little. Sending him off in those superthick diapers made me pretty happy. I love, love, love the ridge along the inside of the leg....beautiful.

So it was another wonderful fantastic super weekend! I love Tom and I love people and I love my life. Yay!

The Road Not Taken

WARNING: GIANT METAPHOR LIES AHEAD

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

and sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveller, long I stood

and looked down one as far as I could

to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

and having perhaps the better claim

because it was grassy and wanted wear;

though as for that, the passing there

had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

in leaves no feet had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --

I took the one less travelled by,

and that has made all the difference

-Robert Frost

I often choose the road less travelled by. It has made my life all the more interesting and fun and I have learned so much about myself, others, and the world as a whole. Dan Miller says that we should live the STORY of our lives. What kind of story do you want your life to tell? What kind of story would be interesting to read? Taking the road less travelled by helps me write an interesting story because fewer people have been down that road.

The problem with taking the route less travelled by is that there are often roadblocks and demons that I have to fight through. The rewards I find along the way are great though, and well worth the fight. I get to see lands that have been untouched by humans....beautiful! I'm often alone though. My family, especially my dad and one of my sisters, are on the straight and well trodden path. I bring back treasures that I find along my path to show them but they don't want to see. They don't trust my path and they think it's the wrong way to go. It makes me sad. Luckily, I'm not always alone on my path. I have met some very wonderful and friendly people who have also chosen this path.

My family and I were talking about holiday get-togethers last night and who should be invited to them. They decided that it was ok for my sister's boyfriends to come but they were not comfortable with me bringing John and DEFINITELY not comfortable with me bringing both. I hadn't planned on bringing anyone but I posed the question anyway for future reference. Their decision made me angry! I understand that poly isn't for them and might even make them uncomfortable but bringing both of my loves is no different than bringing 2 regular friends. *grumble*

Conversations like this make me want to leave my family....just move away and lose contact. They still think that I'm just in a phase and that I'll get over it. They think I'm making wrong decisions in my life. They think I'm going to ruin my children if I bring them up in a poly family. They think I deserve better, that I shouldn't have to share a man's love with other women. They just don't understand. I've decided that my family is tolerant of my alternate lifestyles but not accepting of them. I just have to live my own life and not be bothered by what they say. I can't wait to be closer to those people in my life who ARE accepting.

The Wall

I was feeling lonely this past weekend. John was with Allison and Tom was busy at his place. Nobody was returning my messages. What made things worse was knowing that the "new relationship energy" that Tom and I once shared is gone and John and I had just finished sharing memories past while separating Christmas decorations which was also kind of sad. This all got me thinking about past relationships.

I have, unfortunately, been hurt by quite a few people in my life. These people were friends, family, parents, and significant others. They were people who I was supposed to trust, people who supposedly loved and cared for me. Each one of these people had a hand in building the wall that I now have around my heart. This is starting to sound very dramatic but it's true. If you only knew the stories. Having grass put down my pants by friends in elementary school, being made fun of by my stepfather and teachers in middle school, being lied to and cheated on by boyfriends, being led to believe that my life meant nothing to my parents, and much much more.

I can't believe I'm admitting this to everyone. I'm supposed to be the strong one who has it all together, who is good and kind and loving, who isn't afraid of anything....but I AM afraid and I have a past. I have learned a lot and come a long way from who I was just a few years ago but I still have a lot of work to do. I've come to realize that speaking about these things brings people together because others have had similar experiences and may feel like they're the only ones. Talking about it helps.

I'm afraid of being alone. I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to have close relationships with my friends. I want to share love. But all of these things require trust. Somehow, after all the hurt, I still love people....but I don't trust them....so I can't get close to them. I have let a few people get close to me but then I push them away as soon as I feel the slightest discomfort. I hold them at arms length because I don't want to get hurt again. It's hard to believe that their love is genuine. I tend to believe that they must want something from me or that they're lying to me or that they'll hurt me once I let my guard down. As soon as they get what they want, they'll just throw me away because I'll be all used up to them.

I think the only person who I've ever felt truly connected to on a deep level at one point was John...but then he broke my trust in a HUGE way. I gave him another chance....and he broke my trust AGAIN. Still, I'm here. Third time's a charm, right? But I start to feel myself pull away every now and then. I get angry about what he did and I worry that it will happen again. I felt myself pull away from Tom too. I think it's because I'm afraid he'll find another girl to replace me with.

When it comes to friends, I just never let them get close to begin with. I have TONS of acquaintances and some friends but nobody who I feel really CLOSE to. There's always that wall that separates us. I hate it. I want to trust them and love them and hold them close but I can't. All I feel is that cold wall of mistrust between us. I need to work on breaking down the wall but it's not easy. It's going to take time.

Discovered Again?

Either these two people at work like to talk to each other or both of them are pretty damn observant. The super religious mean boss lady at work questioned me about my relationship. She asked what was going on. I'm thinking that she hasn't been talking to the other guy because when I said that I have two boyfriends, she thought I was cheating on one of them. I was quick to fix that idea of hers. She still wasn't too happy to hear it but it's my life, not hers. The funny thing is, she thought I'd be all uptight about knowing that my landlady cleans for a nudist. Little does she know. I'm not worried about it because it has nothing to do with my work. Two in one week though.....what the heck?

Discovered!

Coworker:  "How was your weekend?"
Me:  "Good. I went climbing with my boyfriend."
Coworker:  "Which one?"
Me:  *Pauses* "The one in Albany. Why did you say which one?"
Coworker: *chuckles nervously* "I think I know. I think there are two."

Panic strikes. My mind starts racing. Do I tell this man the truth? He's ultra-religious and certainly would not approve. He might start trying to lecture me. This could end badly. What's the worst that could happen? I'm not doing anything wrong and I can't get into any trouble.

Me:  "Why do you think that?"
Coworker:  "You have one in Albany and I see a man around here." (My John works at the hospital and we sometimes stop to chat.)
Me:  "Yes. I have two...but they both know each other....and each of them have another girlfriend as well."
Coworker:  "I didn't know how far the web went but I knew you had two. We will talk one day. I will give you my advice."

I don't really want his advice but I'll listen anyway if it ever comes up. I'm happy that it went so well though. Makes the next step of telling others a little less scary.

Poly-motions

I have some news on the poly front. John's girlfriend contacted me for the first time today. She seems pretty sweet. Haven't had a chance to respond yet since I can't open Fetlife at work but I plan to as soon as I can. I told John about it and she talked to him as well (from what I understand) so now John is freaking out. I don't get it. His girlfriend wants to get to know me better and I'm all for that but John is unhappy for some reason. He said he's afraid that he's going to mess something up. I keep telling him to stop worrying. Just relax. Everyone is happy so he should be too I pointed out that he's the only one freaking out. So things feels a little wobbly and uncertain on that side of things.

On the other side, I'm going to visit Tom this weekend at his house. This always makes me uber nervous because I don't know what his wife is thinking or feeling about me. Her and I don't interact much so I don't know a lot about her. I don't know how to act around her or how to treat Tom when she's around. I'm sometimes toppy with him when we're alone but I feel like I have to hide that side of me when we're around her. I don't feel like I can be myself for some reason, which makes me a bit anxious. I'm pretty bouncy and bubbly. She's pretty calm and quiet. Very different personalities. She's really nice and we get along but....it's just strange.

Anyway, Tom and his wife and I are all going to a halloween party together on Saturday and he's the only one who I really know there. In new situations like that, I tend to get a little clingy 'cause I'm a bit shy. I'll try to be good and social. I'm sure everything will be fine. I'm just nervous. Maybe I should take my own advice and just relax.

Poly on House!

This is one of my favorite shows.....and it's got the poly. The sick woman makes SOOOO many great points about why being poly makes sense to her in the beginning of the show. Unfortunately, things quickly start moving downhill from there. She kicks the boyfriend out when he brings her flowers saying that he's not part of the family. Then we find out that her husband is lying about spending money. She says she feels superior after having an ex lie to her about being single and having his wife find out and flip out. Lastly, the doctor cheats on his wife after she says she can't handle an open relationship. Ack! So many wrong things! I wish they had shown poly in a more positive light. Aw well. What can you do?

Sex Positive

Love Outside The Box

I decided that I would hint at the fact that I might be something other than monogamous to family and friends by changing my relationship status on Facebook to "In an open relationship." I was going to leave it at that for the time being unless someone brought it up. Just a couple of hours later, a coworker (who knows about my lifestyle) commented saying "Keith [her boyfriend] says he misses you....so do I. Let's get together lover!!" Ack! Lover?!

I read this comment in the middle of the night and freaked out a bit. What is my family going to think now? They're going to think I'm a swinger or that I'm a slut or something worse. Maybe I should delete her comment....but then they'll think that I really DO feel that what I'm doing is wrong, which I don't. Maybe I can just make a joke of it...but it's not a joke.

Then I started thinking about another blog entry that I was planning on writing today. As I mentioned in one of my latest posts, I've been listening to Polyamory Weekly (polyweely.com) a lot lately. They keep using the term "sex positive." I had never heard this term before this week. I have come to really love it though and would like to apply this philosophy to my life.

"The terms and concept of sex-positive (or, alternately sex-affirmative) and sex-negative are generally attributed to Wilhelm Reich. His hypothesis was that some societies view sexual expression as essentially good and healthy, while other societies take an overall negative view of sexuality and seek to repress and control the sex drive. Like Reich, some contemporary advocates of sex-positivity define their philosophy in contrast to sex-negativity, which they identify as the dominant view of sex in Western culture and many non-Western cultures. The sex-positive movement does not in general make moral or ethical distinctions between heterosexual or homosexual sex, or indeed masturbation for people who are otherwise celibate, regarding these choices as matters of personal preference. Some sex-positive positions include acceptance of BDSM, asexuality, polyamory, transsexuality, transgenderism, and other forms of gender transgression in general." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex-positive_movement)

So, going back to when I was freaking out, what's wrong with being a swinger? What's wrong with having sex? What's wrong with being poly or an ageplayer or anything else? As they say in The Ethical Slut....sex is nice and pleasure is good for you. I have been dealing with a lot of guilt when it comes to sex. It may not look like I have this problem since I post a lot on the subject and am pretty active in the BDSM community but it's true. When it comes to sex, I mostly do it because I thought I had to. Adults are supposed to like sex and boys won't like me if I don't do it and you're supposed to WANT to have sex with the person you love....right?

It's not like I don't WANT to have sex because I certainly do. I love sex, to be honest with you. It's not like it doesn't feel good. It just feels dirty and wrong sometimes because, for as long as I can remember, that's what I was taught in school, by the media, and by my parents. Sex is bad. My dad used to always say "never marry a woman and men are pigs." He was joking but I can't help but think that this message sank in deeper than it was supposed to. I have to change this thought process. It's wrong. I like sex and I want to enjoy it.

I was also thinking that the acceptance of ageplay (and other lifestyle choices and kinks) could come through pushing this sex positive philosophy. You may not like the fact that people do these things in their lives but you need to understand and accept the fact that it is THEIR choice and that no sexual path is bad (unless it's non-consensual). People have the right to choose. People have the right to feel good and happy.

Random Thoughts About Kinky Things

Yesterday, my one sweetie sent a note to my other sweetie for the first time and both sweeties were still good and happy afterward. My world changed the moment I found out about this note. It was as if the stormy seas of my emotion calmed. I've been so nervous about the Tom and the John hating each other and trying to keep them both happy. I felt so calm and warm and at peace when they connected and the world didn't explode. I have so much love in my life! I love all of the people in my life sooo much. Yay!

Today, I spent much of my morning listening to podcasts while I worked, mainly Polyamory Weekly (http://polyweekly.com/) and Masocast (http://masocast.com/). It really seems as if the poly community is growing by leaps and bounds. Now, I do realize that this community may have been this big for a while now but, because I never considered myself poly before, I didn't notice. Still, I've been pretty active in the BDSM community (going to munches and some larger BDSM events on the east coast) and I never heard THAT much about poly until recently. It seems to be a popular topic these days. This excites me so very much! I love hearing about it.

I have also noticed that there seem to be a lot of "little" poly people....or at least groups of littles who enjoy spending lots of intimate time with each other. Mako is in a poly family, Micah has a poly family (who I just heard on PolyWeekly, by the way...I loved your "poly in the media" panel discussion guys!!!), my Tom has a poly group, and ryakitty is poly too! Sooo many poly littles!!! Littles are just so lovable and huggable and squishable....it only makes sense that so many of us would be poly.

So besides the poly stuff....I really need a good beating! I haven't done any SM play in a while. I want the kind of beating where the person doesn't hold back. I want the kind of beating that makes me want to fight back, the kind that makes me want to scream and cry, the kind that makes me fly. Hmmm....wrestling could be fun too though! And needles! It's funny because I'll have one really good day of littleness or BDSMness and then I'll be crazy for more. I can't wait until Tom comes to visit. I can't wait to visit with John again. I can't wait to go to the littles invasion. I can't wait!!!

Mmmmm *happy sighs*.....clean house, interesting podcasts, fun thoughts, masturbation (and lots of it), warm tea, money in the bank, a new book written by Mako, LOVE......I'm so happy today.

Communication

First of all, I have been sucky at the communication thing this summer. I don't know why. Sometimes it takes me a whole month to respond to an email. I read the message while at work and put it aside for when I have more time to respond....because I really do care and believe that this person deserves more time from me. Then life gets busy, I get stressed, and days pass by. The days feel like hours though. By the time I get back to responding, a whole month has passed by! What? When did that happen? I thought I put this email aside only a couple of days ago. Then my cat steps on the delete key while an email is selected and ALL of my email is deleted. They disappear forever and ever and aren't able to be retrieved again because....I've waited too long so they aren't in my recently opened mail anymore. Grrrr.....I apologize for all of this. I'll get better at replying to messages. I'm working on it. Really, I am. Not sure if I'll ever get better at phoning people though. I've always hated the phone.

On another note, my Tom sent a message to my John today and the world is still spinning. Nothing catastrophic happened. Everyone is still alive and talking to me and seeming to be pretty happy. Whoa! This is all so strange to me still. John feels strange about it too but is trusting that everything is going to be ok because Tom has been doing the poly thing for a while. He's trusting Tom because Tom has been poly for longer than he has and he's trusting me because I generally hang out with pretty cool people. He does admit that he looked for something to hate Tom for but couldn't find anything. That sounds terrible but I can understand it. He says he's strangely not feeling any hostility towards Tom. He's ok with it. He feels weird about it all but that's it. Whoa!!!

It's funny that John feels that way because I just read about this in my book (The Ethical Slut). It says, don't be surprised if you end up feeling ok when you see your lover going out with someone else. Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the actual event. That is so true. I'm just glad that everything is turning out so well. Yay! *does happy dance*

Poly Cunfuzzlement

John and I have been seeing each other a lot lately. I've been having a good time with him. This last time we got together, we talked about polyamory. I brought up all the good things about it and he brought up many of his hesitations. He doesn't think he can do it. When we said goodbye, he mentioned that he's looking forward to our next date. He said he's really enjoying dating me. Wait a minute....dating me? John knows about Tom. That means that John is in a poly situation whether he wants to be or not....and it's working out. He's jealous of Tom but he still seems to be happy and enjoying himself with me. So where is this all going? What does he expect to come of this dating? Is he willing to try the poly or is he hoping that I'll say goodbye to Tom and be with him again?

That leads me to another thought that has been plaguing my mind lately. John doesn't want kids so, whether we wanted to be together or not, things wouldn't work out with just him alone no matter what because I'm still uncertain about the kids. I think I want them. I'm having those baby crazy feelings again. Is it just hormones? Some days I feel like I'd be perfectly happy without them and other days, I can't see myself living without them. I know I'm only 23 but I have this fear that I'm going to miss my opportunity. I think I'd make a great mom. So what if Tom and I had kids? What would that mean for my future with Tom? What about Tom's wife? What about John?

The last thought that I have had running through my head is marriage. Like most little girls, I've always dreamed of the white picket fence, husband, and kids. Part of that dream was a wedding. The crazy stupid thing is that the wedding is just a big party that lasts a day.....one single day. It's not THAT big of a deal....and SOCIETY is the one who put this dream in my head. So why do I want it so badly? I wasn't even thinking about it until I saw Nanny McPhee. The wedding that the mom had is just like the one I would want. I guess I could still have the wedding without the paperwork if everyone agreed to it.....or not. Not sure how everyone would feel about that though. *shrugs* These are not questions to be pondering now.

I'm not sure how to mix my ideas of "normal" with who I really am and what I want in life. I don't agree with society. I don't want to live by society's rules. That white picket fence dream is EXACTLY what society expects from us all.....not poly, not BDSM, not ageplay. So, again, I should just go with the flow and do what feels right at the time. I can't live without BDSM and ageplay. I'm not sure if I'd be more happy in a monogamous relationship or a poly situation. They both have their ups and downs. I don't know if I want kids, but if I do, I'll have them when the time comes. So on I go, towards the unknown future.

Being A Kid..And Other Stuff

I was cleaning for one of my clients the other day while the kids were home. They had friends over and were just having a grand ole time throwing balls, listening to music, and playing house. I wanted to be a kid again so badly in that moment. They were so carefree with not a worry in the world. I remember those days. I understand now why adults said we'd miss these days. If I only knew then what I know now.

In other news, my ex and I spent some time together the other night. We sat by the fire roasting sausages and smershmallows...erm, marshmallows. We reminisced about days gone by and shared a nice kiss at the end of the night. We still love each other. There's some sort of crazy connection between us. I miss him. There were some important things missing in our relationship though....and he doesn't want kids. It makes me sad. I wonder if he'd ever consider the poly. I'm thinking not. It's too bad though because I think it could really work. Maybe he'll reconsider one day.

My Tom is coming this weekend. I'm very excited. I haven't seen him for 3 weeks now. Eeek! Far too long. He broke his hand 3 weeks ago and it's still healing so I'm not sure how much play we're going to get to. I still have so many ideas filed away in my head. *evil grin* Looking forward to doing some swimming and snuggling and just being with him in general. Mmmmm......

Lastly, I got my new paci in the mail. Look! Oscar is watching over it for me. It's not bad but I like my old one better. The glow in the dark button is kinda cool but I think the shield is too small. That and I can't put a paci clip on it so it disappears in the night. Maybe I'll just order the plain Nuk 5 again. We'll see.

The Ethical Slut

I got "The Ethical Slut" for Christmas last year but only started reading it a couple of days ago. What a great book so far! I wish everyone, kinky and vanilla alike, would read this book. It makes so much sense! I'm sure that if people could wrap their minds around the ideas in this book, there would be a heck of a lot less arguments and break ups between couples.

One of the things that the book suggests is that when a person gets married, it's not like their emotions and hormones get turned off. So people shouldn't get upset when they find out that their partner is attracted to another person! It's only natural.

The book also suggest that sex and love are pleasurable and pleasure is good for you. Why limit the amount of love you're allowed to give and receive? Love is a wonderful thing! Just imagine a world where everyone loves everyone.

Some people say that they are just too jealous for this kind of a lifestyle. That's understandable. Everyone gets jealous. The thing is, jealousy is like any other emotion. You just need to deal with it. Feel it, accept it, work through it. Realize where the jealousy is coming from, why it's there, and deal with it.

Some people say that poly just doesn't work. The funny thing about this is that when there's a fight between a couple, it's never blamed on the fact that they're NOT poly. When there's a fight in a poly household, it's often blamed on the fact that they ARE poly. What's with that? Unless the fight was specifically about something directly related to being poly, poly is not to blame.

Then there's the kid thing. How do we explain things to the kids? Won't they be confused? Won't they grow up in a dysfunctional way? Just think this one through for a minute. Growing up in a poly family is probably the best thing that could happen to a kid. Wouldn't it be easier to have 3 or 4 (or maybe more) parents watching over the kids instead of just two (or sometimes even just one)? The parent's lives would be so much less stressful. Wouldn't the child be receiving a lot more love and attention when there are more people available to give it? Won't the child learn a lot more about life when they're being taught by many people? Won't the child learn a lot more about acceptance, love, honesty, and communication when they grow up in a poly family? It just makes too much sense to me!

Society has all these silly rules about love and how people should be. These rules are pounded into our heads for so long that we simply start to believe them without question. Why should we only love one person? There is no reason! Is loving one really better than loving many? I felt so free and happy when I stopped worrying what people thought about my kinky life, and my AB life. I feel even better now that I've thrown out societies rules about relationships. Wow! I feel free! What a wonderful feeling.

I have this crazy dream of what could be. It might sound unrealistic but it's not impossible. A large poly family all living under one roof (a nice roof since there will be multiple incomes)...a bunch of kids running around. A village raising the children. Lots of love and acceptance. Lots of teaching and learning and laughter and happiness.....One big happy family. *happy sighs* I realize it could never really be that easy....grumpiness happens, jealousy happens, stress happens, disagreement happens. Still....it would be nice and it's not impossible. Something similar could be accomplished.