Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

Daddy told me on Wednesday that I would get spankings every night until I sell my PT Cruiser. Midday Thursday, Daddy asked if I had sold it yet. When I said no, he told me to get him a stick that he could use for my spanking later in the evening. I thought he was kidding. When it was time for bed, Daddy took me upstairs and told me to hand him the stick. I hadn't picked one so he bent me over the side of the bed and started kneeing and kicking me in the thighs and butt instead. It hurt!!! A lot! When he was done, he put me in a diaper and tucked me into bed telling me that he loved me and suggested that tomorrow, I would get him a stick, right?

Friday evening came and went with lots of threats of spankings but no follow through. I figured the game was over. Then came Saturday. Daddy warned me all day that he had two spankings to give since he had to make up for Friday. That night, he told me to get him a stick. I whined at first so he said ok, we can do the same thing as Thursday night then. Thursday hurt a lot so I ran downstairs to grab a stick. He met me down there and picked up a few of the toys that I had set aside because they were TOO ouchie. "Let's go!" he said, pushing me over towards the bed in the corner.

I was definitely in littlespace and I was angry. I hopped up onto the bed and burried my face into the mattress. Daddy came over and placed his hand around my waist and then started smacking me with the wooden spoon saying that this was just a warm up for fighting with him and not getting him a stick. It hurt sooooo bad though! This wasn't a warm up!!! He asked me what I'll do next time. I started fussing and refused to say at first but he kept going so I gave in and shouted that I'd get him a stick next time. He stopped for a moment and I started kicking. "Go ahead. He said. Get it out." I stopped. "It's ok. Keep going." Humph! I didn't want to do what he told me to! I was angryc!

Daddy picked up the tube thing and the metal cane. NOOOO! I flipped over on my back, covering my bottom, and shot him a grumpy look. "Ok then," he said, grabbing my legs and pulling them up like he was changing me. He held my legs up and continued with the spanking. I was on the edge of tears. He let me go so I scooted all the way to the back corner by the wall. "That was for Friday night. Let's do Saturday and we're done."

He grabbed my arm, pulled me over the side of the bed, and started up with the spoon again. He kept asking me questions that I had to answer. I didn't want to but the spanking hurt too much so I did. I tried to get away one more time so he grabbed me by the hair and held my face down to the ground. I relented and let him finish the job.

Before putting the toys away, Daddy held each one in front of my face and told me to kiss it. I grumbled so he took a fistful of my hair and held my head in place. I resentfully kissed them and put them away. Daddy brought me upstairs, diapered me up, and snuggled me in bed saying he loved me. He told me, no phone for the night and I should know what would happen if I did try to use it.

I was in littlespace the whole time and I was angry. My "little" emotions can be fierce so I was feeling it strong! I did NOT want to give in. I did NOT want a spanking. Usually I'm pretty well behaved but I didn't want to behave tonight. Even at the end, I felt the incredible urge to grab the toys and throw them across the room. I was feeling fiesty and wanted to challenge Daddy's will. Even now, I feel like I wanted him to break me down. Push me to the point where I'm a weepy mess. It was really strange though because there were moments where I would slip into deep inner child mode and start feeling abused almost. I had to keep pulling myself out of that space and reminding myself that this was a fun sort of scene and that I wasn't being abused. I've never had to fight myself that hard before. I wonder if that feeling would have gone away if we had wandered into some deeper pain.

July 28, 2007 - BDSM And AB/DL

I've been chatting with a potential new roommate. I'm very excited about the prospect of living with a like-minded person. Just like my Daddy and I, he is involved in the AB and BDSM lifestyles. We all have similar hobbies, interests, and personalities. I hope that this works out. It would be nice to have a roommate who won't be freaked out by the sound of a flogger or the sight of a diaper on an adult.

I've been thinking. I like getting punished...a lot. At first I thought that I just liked BDSM but there's more to it than that. I mean, I like just BDSM but it does more for me if I make myself believe it's a punishment. Why though? Well, when I was punished as a kid, my parents told me that they did it because they loved me. Do I connect punishment with love now? Everyone wants to be loved. Also, the Dominant in a BDSM situation is supposed to care for the submissive. They're supposed to make sure that she's safe. They're supposed to listen for her safeword. They're supposed to provide aftercare if needed. All of this makes me feel loved. Is that why I like BDSM? Maybe I just like to be the center of attention. When being punished, all of my Daddy's focus is on me. I don't think this is really the case though. All the attention is focused on me when I'm just being little whether there's a punishment or not. I also like the contrast between the violence and harshness of a scene vs the love and care I get afterwards. I love it when my Daddy calls me nasty names and causes me pain then holds me and tells me how much he loves me. It's such a wonderful feeling.

Daddy likes to play with me a lot too. Usually he tickles me. I really want to spend a whole day as a child. I'd even be happy with just a couple of hours. I want to experience being fed, changed, talked to, played with, and maybe even punished like a little girl for a short period of time. Daddy is still learning to be a daddy though. He will change me or feed me on occasion but that's it. I guess I should be happy with that since there are many ABs out there who don't even get that. Maybe I could visit an AB nursery for a night sometime. I definitely don't have the money for it now but sometime maybe.

As usual, I'm fighting these thoughts that this is wrong...not natural. I'm...WEIRD. It's not wrong though. If it makes me happy and doesn't hurt anyone, it's not wrong. It's who I am. I can't help it.

July 6, 2007 - Fireworks And A Spanking

I got to see fireworks on Tuesday. I love fireworks! They were very loud but pretty. I had so much fun. There were so many people there though. It was crazy. I also got some ice cream which was delicious. Then Daddy came home later that night. What a perfect day.

Daddy punished me yesterday because I didn't bring my diaper bag with me when I went out with my friends. He put me over his knee and spanked me until I was crying. I tried to stop him but he kept pushing my hand away. He said that I already knew that he wanted me not to use the potty so I had to bring extra diapers with me. My bottom was very red and sore afterwards. I could barely sit down. I don't like to be punished. Who does? I like to be spanked but punishment is different. It means that Daddy is mad at me. He gave me a big hug afterward though so I know he's not REALLY mad at me.